'Because it is empty in my bed.'
'You had flanneurs, men who came to ask for your hand.'
'Until better women came along.'
'How could you not be chosen? You are Atie Caco.'
'Atie Caco to you. Special to no one.'
'You were so beautiful, Atie, when you were a girl. Papa, he loved you best.'
'I have then the curse of a girl whose papa loved her best.'
Tante Atie rubbed the scar on the side of her head. They looked up at the sky and pointed to a blinking star.
'You can keep the brightest ones,' said Tante Atie. 'When you are gone, I will have them all to myself.'
'We come from a place,' my mother said, 'where in one instant, you can lose your father and all your other dreams.'
Chapter 26
My mother and grandmother left early for the notary's. Tante Atie was not in her room. Eliab was playing with pieces of brown paper, stuffing them with leaves to make cigars.
I called him to buy me some milk from the market.
'The new lady,' he said, 'does she belong to you?'
'Sometimes I claim her,' I said, 'sometimes I do not.'
I gave him some money to buy me some goat milk from the market. He came back with some milk in a cut-off plastic container and a large mango for himself.
'That young fellow, he wants to marry your daughter,' my grandmother said as she and my mother walked into the yard.
Eliab looked embarrassed.
'Does that fellow know?' my mother laughed. 'My daughter has a very old husband.'
My mother was carrying a few large bundles.
I had never seen my grandmother so happy. My mother was glowing.
'We are now landowners,' my mother said. 'We all now own part of La Nouvelle Dame Marie.'
'Did this land not always belong to you and Tante Atie?' I asked my mother.
'Yes, but now you have a piece of it too.'
She flashed the new deed for the house.
'La terre sera egalement divisee,' she read the document. 'Equally, my dear. The land is equally divided between Atie and me and you and your daughter.'
My grandmother pulled out a dressy church hat that she had bought for Tante Atie.
'Sunday we go to the cathedral,' said my mother. 'We meet Manmans priest.'
My mother kissed the bottom of Brigitte's feet.
'Where is Atie?' asked my mother. 'I got her a hat that will make her look downright chic.'
'She went out,' I said.
'The gods will punish me for Atie's ways.' My grandmother moaned.
Tante Atie kept her eyes on the lantern on the hills as we ate dinner that night. She was squinting as though she wanted to see with her ears, like my grandmother.
'I look forward to the Mass on Sunday,' my grandmother said, breaking the silence. 'I want that young priest. The one they call Lavalas. I want him to sing the last song at my funeral.'
Brigitte shook the new rattle that my mother had brought her.
My grandmother took Brigitte from me and put a few rice grains in her mouth. My daughter opened her mouth wide, trying to engulf the rice.
Tante Atie walked up the steps and went back to her room.
'I don't know,' my grandmother said. 'Her mood changes more than the colors in the sky. Take her with you when you return to New York.'
'I have asked her before,' my mother said. 'She wants to be with you.'
'She feels she must,' my grandmother said. 'It's not love. It is duty.'
Everything was rustling in Tante Atie's room, as though she were packing. She was mumbling to herself so I dared not peek in. In the yard my mother and grandmother were sitting around the table, passing my grandmother's old clay pipe back and forth to each other.
'Manman, will you know when your time comes to die?' my mother asked sadly.
'The old bones, they will know.'
'I want to be buried here when I die,' my mother said.
'You should tell Sophie. She is your daughter. She will respect your wishes.'
'I don't want much,' my mother said. 'I don't want a Mass like you. I want to be buried the day after I die. Just like the old days when we kept our dead home.'
'That is reason for you and Sophie to be friends,' my grandmother said. 'She can carry out your wishes. I can help, but she is your child.'
My mother paced the corridor most of the night. She walked into my room and tiptoed over to my bed. I crossed my legs tightly, already feeling my body shivering.
I shut my eyes tightly and pretended to be asleep.
She walked over to the baby and stood over her for a long time. Tears streamed down her face as she watched us sleep. The tears came harder. She turned and walked out.
My mother walked into the room at dawn while I was changing Brigitte's diapers.
'Are you all right?' I asked.
'Fine,' she said.
'Do you still have trouble sleeping?' I tried to be polite.
'It's worse when I am here,' she said.
'Are you having nightmares?'
'More than ever,' she said.
My old sympathy was coming back. I remembered the nightmares. Sometimes, I even had some myself. I was feeling sorry for her.
'I thought it was my face that brought them on,' I said.
'Your face?'
'Because I look like him. My father. A child out of wedlock always looks like its father.'
She seemed shocked that I remembered.
'When I first saw you in New York, I must admit, it frightened me the way you looked. But it is not something that I can help. It is not something that you can help. It is just part of our lives.
'As a woman, your face has changed. You are a different person. Besides, I have always had nightmares. Every night of my life. It was just stronger then, because that was the first time I was seeing that face.'
'Why did you put me through those tests?' I blurted out.
'If I tell you today, you must never ask me again.'
I wanted to reserve my right to ask as many times as I needed to. I was not angry with her anymore. I had a greater need to understand, so that I would never repeat it myself.
'I did it,' she said, 'because my mother had done it to me. I have no greater excuse. I realize standing here that the two greatest pains of my life are very much related. The one good thing about my being raped was that it made the testing stop. The testing and the rape. I live both every day.'
'You're not dressed yet?' My grandmother was standing in the doorway. 'I am ready to go.'
My mother placed her hand on my grandmother's shoulder and signaled for her to wait. She turned back to me and said in English, 'I want to be your friend, your very very good friend, because you saved my life many times when you woke me up from those nightmares.'
My mother went to my grandmother's room to dress and soon they left for the road.
