we made love, she still wore the cross. In a resting moment of that lovely afternoon, at one of those junctures when everything and nothing is relevant, I touched the little cross and inquired what her priest might have to say about our being in bed together, and so forth.
She answered that she had no priest.
'Aren't you a good Catholic girl?' I asked.
'Well, I'm a girl,' she said. 'And I'm good.'
She looked at me for confirmation and I smiled. She smiled back.
'So that's two out of three.'
I then asked her why the cross, welded, no less. She explained that it had been her mother's; she wore it for sentimental reasons, not religious. The conversation returned to ourselves.
'Hey, Oliver, did I tell you that I love you?' she said.
'No, Jen.'
'Why didn't you ask me?'
'I was afraid to, frankly.'
'Ask me now.'
'Do you love me, Jenny?'
She looked at me and wasn't being evasive when she answered:
'What do you think?'
'Yeah. I guess. Maybe.'
I kissed her neck.
'Oliver?'
'Yes?'
'I don't just love you …'
Oh, Christ, what was this?
'I love you very much, Oliver.'
6
I love Ray Stratton.
He may not be a genius or a great football player (kind of slow at the snap), but he was always a good roommate and loyal friend. And how that poor bastard suffered through most of our senior year. Where did he go to study when he saw the tie placed on the doorknob of our room (the traditional signal for 'action within')? Admittedly, he didn't study that much, but he had to sometimes. Let's say he used the House library, or Lamont, or even the Pi Eta Club. But where did he sleep on those Saturday nights when Jenny and I decided to disobey parietal rules and stay together? Ray had to scrounge for places to sack in — neighbors' couches, etc., assuming they had nothing going for them. Well, at least it was after the football season. And I would have done the same thing for him.
But what was Ray's reward? In days of yore I had shared with him the minutest details of my amorous triumphs. Now he was not only denied these inalienable roommate's rights, but I never even came out and admitted that Jenny and I were lovers. I would just indicate when we would be needing the room, and so forth. Stratton could draw what conclusion he wished.
'I mean, Christ, Barrett, are you making it or not?' he would ask.
'Raymond, as a friend I'm asking you not to ask.'
'But Christ, Barrett, afternoons, Friday nights, Saturday nights. Christ, you must be making it.'
'Then why bother asking me, Ray?'
'Because it's unhealthy.'
'What is?'
'The whole situation, Ol. I mean, it was never like this before. I mean, this total freeze-out on details for big Ray. I mean, this is unwarranted. Unhealthy. Christ, what does she do that's so different?'
'Look, Ray, in a mature love affair — '
'Love?'
'Don't say it like it's a dirty word.'
'At your age? Love? Christ, I greatly fear, old buddy.'
'For what? My sanity?'
'Your bachelorhood. Your freedom. Your life!'
Poor Ray. He really meant it.
'Afraid you're losing a roommate, huh?'
'Still, in a way I've gained one, she spends so much time here.'
I was dressing for a concert, so this dialogue would shortly come to a close.
'Don't sweat, Raymond. We'll have that apartment in New York. Different babies every night. We'll do it all.'
'Don't tell me not to sweat, Barrett. That girl's got you.'
'It's all under control,' I replied. 'Stay loose.' I was adjusting my tie and heading for the door.
Stratton was somehow unconvinced.
'Hey, Ollie?'
'Yeah?'
'You are making it, aren't you?'
'Jesus Christ, Stratton!'
I was not taking Jenny to this concert; I was watching her in it. The Bach Society was doing the Fifth Brandenburg Concerto at Dunster House, and Jenny was harpsichord soloist. I had heard her play many times, of course, but never with a group or in public. Christ, was I proud. She didn't make any mistakes that I could notice.
'I can't believe how great you were,' I said after the concert.
'That shows what you know about music, Preppie.'
'I know enough.'
We were in the Dunster courtyard. It was one of those April afternoons when you'd believe spring might finally reach Cambridge. Her musical colleagues were strolling nearby (including Martin Davidson, throwing invisible hate bombs in my direction), so I couldn't argue keyboard expertise with her.
We crossed Memorial Drive to walk along the river.
'Wise up, Barrett, wouldja please. I play okay. Not great. Not even 'All-Ivy.' Just okay. Okay?'
How could I argue when she wanted to put herself down?
'Okay. You play okay. I just mean you should always keep at it.'
'Who said I wasn't going to keep at it, for God's sake? I'm gonna study with Nadia Boulanger, aren't I?'
What the hell was she talking about? From the way she immediately shut up, I sensed this was something she had not intended to mention.
'Who?' I asked.
'Nadia Boulanger. A famous music teacher. In Paris.' She said those last two words rather quickly.
'In Paris?' I asked, rather slowly.
'She takes very few American pupils. I was lucky. I got a good scholarship too.'
'Jennifer — you are going to Paris?'
'I've never seen Europe. I can hardly wait.'
I grabbed her by the shoulders. Maybe I was too rough, I don't know.
'Hey — how long have you known this?'
For once in her life, Jenny couldn't look me square in the eye.
'Ollie, don't be stupid,' she said. 'It's inevitable.'
'What's inevitable?'
