arch or superior in her tone. Just common sense, plainly spoken.
Only it put our Portnoy into a rage, incensed The Temper Tantrum Kid. What do you mean why would you want to do a thing like that? Why do you think, you simpleton- goi! Go talk to your dog, ask him. Ask Spot what he thinks, that four-legged genius. 'Want Kay-Kay to be a Jew, Spottie-hub, big fella, hub?' Just what the fuck makes you so self-satisfied, anyway? That you carry on conversations with dogs? that you know an elm when you see one? that your father drives a station wagon made out f wood? What's your hotsy-totsy accomplishment in life, aby, that Doris Day snout?
I was, fortunately, so astonished by my indignation that I couldn't begin to voice it. How could I be feeling a wound in a place where I was not even vulnerable? What did Kay and I care less about than one, money, and two, religion? Our favorite philosopher was Bertrand Russell. Our religion was Dylan Thomas' religion. Truth and Joy! Our children would be atheists. I had only been making a joke!
Nonetheless, it would seem that I never forgave her: in the weeks following our false alarm, she came to seem to me boringly predictable in conversation, and about as desirable as blubber in bed. And it surprised me that she should take it so badly when I finally had to tell her that I didn't seem to care for her any more. I was very honest, you see, as Bertrand Russell said I should be. 'I just don't want to see you any more, Kay. I can't hide my feelings, I'm sorry.' She wept pitifully: she carried around the campus terrible little pouches underneath her bloodshot blue eyes, she didn't show up for meals, she missed classes.. And I was astonished. Because all along I'd thought it was I who had loved her, not she who had loved me. What a surprise to discover just the opposite to have been the case.
Ah, twenty and spurning one's mistress-that first unsullied thrill of sadism with a woman! And the dream of the women to come. I returned to New Jersey that June, buoyant with my own 'strength,' wondering how I could ever have been so captivated by someone so ordinary and so fat.
Another gentile heart broken by me belonged to The Pilgrim, Sarah Abbott Maulsby-New Canaan, Foxcroft, and Vassar (where she had as companion, stabled in Poughkeepsie, that other flaxen beauty, her palomino). A tall, gentle, decorous twenty-two-year-old, fresh from college, and working as a receptionist in the office of the Senator from Connecticut when we two met and coupled in the fall of 1959.
I was on the staff of the House subcommittee investigating the television quiz scandals. Perfect for a closet socialist like myself: commercial deceit on a national scale, exploitation of the innocent public, elaborate corporate chicanery-in short, good old capitalist greed. And then of course that extra bonus. Charlatan Van Doren. Such character, such brains and breeding, that candor and schoolboyish charm-the ur-WASP, wouldn't you say? And turns out he's a fake. Well, what do you know about that. Gentile America? Supergoy, a gonif! Steals money. Covets money. Wants money, will do anything for it. Goodness gracious me, almost as bad as Jews-you sanctimonious WASPs!
Yes, I was one happy yiddel down there in Washington, a little Stern gang of my own, busily exploding Charlie's honor and integrity, while simultaneously becoming lover to that aristocratic Yankee beauty whose forebears arrived on these shores in the seventeenth century. Phenomenon known as Hating Your Goy And Eating One Too.
Why didn't I marry that beautiful and adoring girl? I remember her in the gallery, pale and enchanting in a navy blue suit with gold buttons, watching with such pride, with such love, as I took on one afternoon, in my first public cross-examination, a very slippery network P.R. man… and I was impressive too, for my first time out: cool, lucid, persistent, just the faintest hammering of the heart-and only twenty-six years old. Oh yeah, when I am holding all the moral cards, watch out, you crooks you! I am nobody to futz around with when I know myself to be four hundred per cent in the right.
Why didn't I marry the girl? Well, there was her cutesy-wootsy boarding school argot, for one. Couldn't bear it. 'Barf' for vomit, 'ticked off' for angry, 'a howl' for funny, 'crackers' for crazy, 'teeny' for tiny. Oh, and 'divine' (What Mary Jane Reed means by 'groovy'-I'm always telling these girls how to talk right, me with my five-hundred-word New Jersey vocabulary.) Then there were the nicknames of her friends; there were the friends themselves! Poody and Pip and Pebble, Shrimp and Brute and Tug, Squeek, Bumpo, Baba-it sounded, I said, as though she had gone to Vassar with Donald Duck's nephews… But then my argot caused her some pain too. The first time I said fuck in her presence (and the presence of friend Pebble, in her Peter Pan collar and her cablestitch cardigan, and tanned like an Indian from so much tennis at the Chevy Chase Club), such a look of agony passed over The Pilgrim's face, you would have thought I had just branded the four letters on her flesh. Why, she asked so plaintively once we were alone, why had I to be so 'unattractive'? What possible pleasure had it given me to be so 'ill-mannered'? What on earth had I 'proved'? 'Why did you have to be so pus-y like that? It was so uncalled-for.' Pus-y being Debutante for disagreeable.
In bed? Nothing fancy, no acrobatics or feats of daring and skill; as we screwed our first time, so we continued-I assaulted and she surrendered, and the heat generated on her mahogany fourposter (a Maulsby family heirloom) was considerable. Our one peripheral delight s the full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. There, standing thigh to thigh, I would whisper, 'Look, Sarah, look.' At first she was shy, left the looking to me, at first she was modest and submitted only because I wished her to, but in time she developed something of a passion for the looking glass, too, and followed the reflection of our joining with a certain startled intensity in her gaze. Did she see what I saw? In the black pubic hair, ladies and gentlemen, weighing one hundred and seventy pounds, at least half of which is still undigested halvah and hot pastrami, from Newark, NJ, The Shnoz, Alexander Portnoy! And his opponent, in the fair fuzz, with her elegant polished limbs and the gentle maidenly face of a Botticelli, that ever-popular purveyor of the social amenities here in the Garden, one hundred and fourteen pounds of Republican refinement, and the pertest pair of nipples in all New England, from New Canaan, Connecticut, Sarah Abbott Maulsby!
What I'm saying. Doctor, is that I don't seem to stick my dick up these girls, as much as I stick it up their backgrounds-as though through fucking I will discover America. Conquer America - maybe that's more like it. Columbus, Captain Smith, Governor Winthrop, General Washington-now Portnoy. As though my manifest destiny is to seduce a girl from each of the forty-eight states. As for Alaskan and Hawaiian women, I really have no feelings either way, no scores to settle, no coupons to cash in, no dreams to put to rest- who are they to me, a bunch of Eskimos and Orientals? No, I am a child of the forties, of network radio and World War Two, of eight teams to a league and forty-eight states to a country. I know all the words to 'The Marine Hymn,' and to 'The Caissons Go Rolling Along'-and to 'The Song of the Army Air Corps.' I know the song of the Navy Air Corps: 'Sky anchors aweigh/ We're sailors of the air/ We're sailing everywhere-' I can even sing you the song of the Seabees. Go ahead, name your branch of service, Spielvogel, I'll sing you your song! Please, allow me-it's my money. We used to sit on our coats, I remember, on the concrete floor, our backs against the sturdy walls of the basement corridors of my grade school, singing in unison to keep up our morale until the all-clear signal sounded-'Johnny Zero.' 'Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition.' 'The sky-pilot said it/ You've got to give him credit/ For a son of a gun of a gunner was he-e-e-e!' You name it, and if it was in praise of the Stars and Stripes, I know it word for word! Yes, I am a child of air raid drills, Doctor, I remember Corregidor and 'The Cavalcade of America,' and that flag, fluttering on its pole, being raised at that heartbreaking angle over bloody Iwo Jima. Colin Kelly went down in flames when I was eight, and Hiroshima and Nagasaki went up in a puff, one week when I was twelve, and that was the heart of my boyhood, four years of hating Tojo, Hitler, and Mussolini, and loving this brave determined republic! Rooting my little Jewish heart out for our American democracy! Well, we won, the enemy is dead in an alley back of the Wilhelmstrasse, and dead because I prayed him dead-and now I want what's coming to me. My G.I. bill-real American ass! The cunt in country-'tis-of-thee! I pledge allegiance to the twat of the United States of America -and to the republic for which it stands: Davenport, Iowa! Dayton, Ohio! Schenectady, New York, and neighboring Troy! Fort Myers, Florida! New Canaan, Connecticut! Chicago, Illinois! Albert Lea, Minnesota! Portland, Maine! Moundsville, West Virginia! Sweet land of skikse-tail, of thee I sing!
From the mountains,
To the prairies,
To he oceans, white-with-my-fooaahhh-mmm!
