only knows how you’ll manage but manage you will I’m sure.’
Moira rested her hand on Kate’s shoulder. ‘Look, let me make you a cup of tea and we can talk, perhaps that will help.’
Kate sat on the shabby, comfortable sofa in the parlour of Moira’s house and looked at the faded wallpaper. It was once grand in Regency stripes, now the stripes had faded to indistinct beige. She felt numb.
‘Want to tell me about it?’ Moira handed her a cup of tea and Kate was glad of the hot liquid pouring down her dry throat.
‘Same old thing—fell in love, let him have his way—when I fell for the baby it was all too late.’ Suddenly she felt the urge to confess.
‘He wasn’t the first. I thought I was helping the boys face the thought of war and death but all I was doing was getting myself a bad reputation. When Eddie, my boyfriend, found out, he lost all his faith in me and do you wonder?’
‘It will never change. I expect when women got the vote they thought the world would be theirs, that they would be equal to men in all ways, but though a man will take a woman with very little thought for her reputation, when he marries, the hypocrite wants a virgin.’
Kate knew Eddie wasn’t like that. He had loved her, he had respected her, what would he think of what she was doing now? At last, beaten, she left the midwife’s house.
When she met Doreen outside, she shook her head. ‘I didn’t have it done, I couldn’t.’
‘Oh, Kate—’ Doreen sounded exasperated—‘you’ve done me out of a few bob now!’
Kate looked at her hard. ‘So to be sure it wasn’t concern and friendship that you offered me then, just a way to make an extra bit of money. I knew Moira gave you a few bob but I didn’t realize that’s the only reason you helped me. Thanks a million.’ She forced back the tears. ‘I thought you were quick off the mark realizing I was expecting a baby, trained to it now I expect.’
She walked away from Doreen, her eyes running with tears, could she trust no one to be a real friend? There was Hari of course but could she tell even Hari what she nearly did to her baby?
She didn’t sleep that night and she got up for work on Monday heavy-eyed and with a pounding headache. Mammy didn’t notice. She pushed a breakfast of bacon and eggs under Kate’s nose and got on with the business of making a pot of tea.
Even the tea tasted off. Kate hated being pregnant, she would never do it again so long as she lived. How she was going to cope in the coming months when it was all showing and she grew fatter and fatter she had no idea. No doubt Mammy would throw her out for the shame of it.
‘I’m late.’ She pushed her food away. ‘I’m going to have to run for the bus, Mammy. See you later,’
‘Not eating, all right are you?’
For a moment Kate thought of telling her the truth and getting it all over and done with but her courage failed her. ‘Just a bit too much to drink last night, Mammy, I’ll be all right. I’ll get something in work.’
She met Hari on the bus and sank beside her with a sigh of relief. The feeling of nausea was still with her but at least it was better now that the smell of greasy food was out from under her nose.
Hari was leafing through some papers. ‘What’s that—another letter from your dear little sister?’
‘It’s a love letter.’ Hari spoke in a tone that was so matter-of-fact that Kate almost thought it was a joke. Then she saw the sprawled signature.
‘Who is Michael?’ she asked, bewildered. She’d never heard of any Michael, not among their crowd.
‘He’s the son of the woman who owns the farm where Meryl is staying. Meryl hints he’s got German blood but his mother’s as British as we are so I suppose he’s allowed to stay. In any case, Jessie needs Michael on the farm. It’s war work, isn’t it?’
‘You’re keen on him?’
‘I don’t really know.’
‘Is he gorgeous?’
‘He’s very gorgeous.’ Hari’s cheeks were pinker than usual behind her fall of long red hair.
‘You
‘I suppose I do.’
‘Well, don’t let him anywhere near you.’ Kate’s voice was rueful and she knew it and knew what Hari would read from it. She did.
‘What are you going to do about it, Kate?’
Kate shrugged. ‘I just don’t know Hari, live with it I expect.’
At the gates to the sheds Hari hugged Kate and then held her at arm’s length. ‘You look too small and frail for all this and you shouldn’t be carrying buckets of powder or anything else in your condition. I’m going to see if I can get you a transfer to the canteen or something.’
‘They’d want to know why,’ Kate said softly. ‘Don’t feel you have to interfere, Hari. I know it’s well meant but I’ll handle everything myself.’
After a moment Hari nodded. ‘OK then, I’d best get off—I’ve got loads of work to do.’
Kate watched her go and she suddenly had an empty feeling deep in her gut. What if something dreadful happened and she never saw her friend again? She shrugged the feeling away, she was depressed that’s all.
She went into her designated shed and as soon as she crossed the threshold Doreen sniffed and turned her back and some of the other girls eyed Kate curiously. It was obvious they all had been told of her condition.
Some of them were kind and did a lot of the carrying instead of her but then, in the afternoon, Doreen put her foot down. ‘Let her fetch her own buckets. She’s got to pull her weight, we can’t carry her for evermore! If she’d been seen to by my friend we’d all help for a couple of days but as far as I’m concerned I did my best, gave up my time and went with her to the midwife and then she chucks it back in my face, wasting everyone’s time.’
‘I’ll do it for you, Kate.’ Little Janey Smith smiled at her and Kate shook her head.
‘It’s all right, as Doreen says, I must pull my weight.’
‘Come on then, I’ll come with you. At least I can help you.’
The two girls set out across the misty ground. The fog was heavy, obscuring the buildings, and appeared like a diaphanous blanket draped across the chimneys of the main buildings, before seeping wetly between walls. She could hear Bob coughing and the grate of the shells across the floor as he stacked them. She heard soft masculine voices, the mumble of conversation. Everything was eerie, unreal.
Kate suddenly felt the hair on her neck rise, something awful was going to happen. She just knew it; her fears were coming true. She hesitated, her footsteps faltered. She felt a sudden blast, hot and searing, lifting her off her feet. She twirled through the air and then she hit the boards of the walkway with a heavy thump.
A roaring noise and sudden, leaping flames filled the air. She felt the heat as suddenly Bob’s shed was a mass of fire and rolling smoke leaping upwards, tearing aside the mist. She rolled off the boards and lay in the earth, smelling it, feeling the dampness beneath her cheek; bits like black snow were falling on her.
She turned her head with an effort and saw Janey. She looked odd: her legs were several yards away from her body, her stocking rumpled around thin ankles. Janey’s dress and overall had gone, her washed-out knickers were on full view and Kate had an insane desire to cover her friend and make her decent. There was a sudden flash as another explosion rent the air. For a moment she blacked out.
And then she felt the ooze of blood between her own legs. She knew that the life of her baby, as well as her own, was slipping away. She rested her head and closed her eyes. Perhaps it was all for the best.
‘See you soon, if God wills it, Eddie,’ she said, as a deep dark blackness clouded her eyes.
Fifteen
When Kate opened her eyes, it was dark. She was surprised that she was still alive; last thing she remembered was noise, flames, lying in the earth with Janey’s mutilated body beside her. Now, she could tell, she was on a soft bed with iron sides. She listened to the sounds around her and realized she must be in hospital. The clink of tea cups, the swish of water in a bowl, the smell of carbolic soap disinfectant being mopped around her bed—all the sounds of morning. Soft sunlight bathed her face but she could see nothing but darkness. She sat up.
