The Ups and Downs of Life

'That's all right, now brandy pawnee lao [bring some brandy and water], Argh lao [bring a light], and a cheroot.'

I lay down on my cot and smoked. Presently I heard the galloping of a horse at speed, the horse was snorting as if distressed, the rider pulled up with a jerk at the door.

'Sahib hie [is you master at home]?' roared the voice of Captain M-.

'Yes, sir.'

'When did he come in?'

'Master has not been out this morning,' said the boy, innocently.

'Not been out? You lie, you soure [pig].'

'No sir, I tell truth, sahib not well; sahib not been out at all since yesterday.'

'Very odd,' said M-, in English, 'can I see him?'

'Hullo! is that you M-?' said I, from within, 'come in, old fellow, glad to see you.'

He entered, he looked heated and troubled, and was covered with dust and his horse's foam.

He beheld me in an immaculate clean cambric shirt, and striped silk pajamahs, languidly lolling on my cot, smoking, my face pale and unheated. He was evidently staggered.

'And you really have not been out this morning, S-.'

'Out, by Jove! what should I go out for in this broiling sun, and I as seedy as be damned. Oh, those blasted fellows of the — th Dragoons, they sewed me up damnably with their bad wine. In 'our service', you know, old fellow, we always give our guests good wine.' (The king's officers were always sneering at the company's, and used to say in 'our service' we do so and so, but then we are royal regiments, who serve a crowned head, and not a lot of beastly merchants.) M- winced, and bit his lip. I surveyed him with the utmost nonchalance, from head to foot; he was a powerful man, and could have made mincemeat of me in a moment.

'But, my dear fellow,' said I, affecting a fashionable drawl, 'what the devil's the matter with you, you look so deucedly excited, is anything up?'

'Up! Yes, by God, something is up!' cried M-, dashing his fist down on the table, 'and curse me if I don't fathom it.'

'Ah, weally!' said I, with the most imperturbable coolness as I blew out a cloud of smoke, 'try a cheroot, old fellar!' and I handed him my case.

M- took the case and lit a cheroot; while pulling at it he suddenly raised his eyes; they met mine. What he read there I don't know, but he gazed at me long and fixedly, without saying a word.

'Now is the time of trial,' thought I, and I continued steadily to meet his threatening fierce eye, with an expression half curious, half languid, my brows slightly raised, and a cynic smile (I felt it must be cynic) on my lips, from which ever and anon issued volumes of smoke.

'Damn it,' cried M-, 'either you are really seedy, and have not been out of your bungalow, as you say, or you are the most perfect specimen of duplicity and coolness I ever met.'

'You flatter me,' said I, with a faint smile.

'Flatter you! by Jove! Look here, old fellar, if you have been out of the house, you have been to Mrs T-'s, and if I thought you had been there, I'd kill you,' he roared fiercely.

'Now, my dear M-, pray talk any rhapsody you please, but have a little mercy on my nerves!'

said I, coolly, but to say truth I was in a most damnable funk.

'Then you really have not been out today?' said he, cooling down a little.

'Captain M-,' said I, rising, and making him a bow, 'when I tell a gentleman one thing, I don't mean another. If you think I'm a liar, say so like a man, and I shall know how to avenge myself for the insult!' and I bent upon him a look so fierce and defiant, that the strong man cast down his eyes; in the boy of seventeen he had found his match.

'But, sir,' I went on, 'as you have done me the honour to mention the name of that most virtuous lady, whose husband's friend I am, may I be permitted to enquire, Suppose I had been there this morning, what business is it of yours? You are not her husband, or the friend of her husband — nay he detests you — and I tell you, as a friend, that it is currently reported you are the father of her child.

Now, mind you, I pry into no man's secrets, it's nothing to me one way or the other, but if you, undermining the affections of that lady for her husband, have seduced her, very ill it becomes you to fall foul of any lovers, other than yourself, that she may have. You have seemed to imply that I am one; look upon me, look upon yourself,' and I pointed to a mirror, 'would a woman who would choose a stalwart like you, condescend to a mere boy like me?'

He seemed convinced, and took leave, saying, 'Forgive me, S-; I am sorry I offended you, but you don't know how much I love that woman.'

'My dear M-, she has deceived her old, confiding husband and, believe me, she will deceive you; there are no bounds to women; when once they fall — they fall, there's no chaining them up, it's the common lot! Good-morning. Oh! by George, how precious hot it is,' and I ran in from the verandah.

He galloped off in the sun. 'Now that fellow will run his thick head against a stone wall, and get the poor woman into trouble, by Jove, he will,' thought I.

CHAPTER 3

In which are given some little episodes commonly called 'lovers quarrels'

When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I missed was my watch. It was a gold Barwise, and had belonged to my father; it was worth forty guineas.

'Damn it,' said I, 'I would not lose it for a trifle and the chain was worth twenty.' I never dreamt of suspecting my servants, they were true as steel. I must have left it at Mrs T-'s. By and by a peon came with a written advertisement (in those days when a man wanted to advertise, he wrote his advertisement, engaged a messenger, and sent him round to every resident in the cantonment). I took the paper and read as follows:

Whereas some gentleman, unknown, left a valuable gold watch and chain, maker's inscription,

'Barwise, No. 1,739', at a lady's house, last evening, this is to give notice, that the owner may have the same on applying to Captain M- of HM's — rd Foot. If not claimed within ten days, it will be sold to defray expenses.

I handed it back to Muniah; he hesitated and looked at me. 'Cuah munchta [what do you want]?' said I.

'The sahib's watch is here described,' said he.

'Pooh,' said I, 'take the paper away.' He did so. By and by a bearer brought a dainty little three-cornered note. I opened it and read:

Dearest Boy — I hope you got off all safe. M- was furious, for 'twas he, my friend; he burst open my door also, and behaved like a great brute as he is. I was lying down on the bed, all had been put straight. He swore terribly, and told me I had been untrue to him, that the gardener had told him little S- was with me, and little S- he would find and cut his throat!

I laughed at him, told him he had no right to intrude upon me, that if I had received him as a lover, he was not my husband, and had no right to be jealous of me; that as for me, I would have as many men as I liked, but that I preferred men and not babies like little S-, that little S- had not been there, and the gardener did not know him, and had mistaken somebody else for him; that I would not deny that a gentleman had been there, and one whom I liked much better than him! and that he might go to the devil for aught I cared.

'Oh!' said he, 'I may go to the devil, Clara, may I?'

'Yes! you great bullying beast, as soon as you like! What right have you to interfere with me, and break into my bungalow? I am only sorry my servants are not here that they might throw you into the tank!'

'Very well, madam,' said he, restraining his rage, 'I'll go since 'tis your wish, and I'll take this handsome gold watch and chain with me!'