'In the first place,' cries Mrs. James, 'her eyes are too large; and she hath a look with them that I don't know how to describe; but I know I don't like it. Then her eyebrows are too large; therefore, indeed, she doth all in her power to remedy this with her pincers; for if it was not for those her eyebrows would be preposterous. Then her nose, as well proportioned as it is, has a visible scar on one side. Her neck, likewise, is too protuberant for the genteel size, especially as she laces herself; for no woman, in my opinion, can be genteel who is not entirely flat before. And, lastly, she is both too short and too tall. Well, you may laugh, Mr. James, I know what I mean, though I cannot well express it: I mean that she is too tall for a pretty woman and too short for a fine woman. There is such a thing as a kind of insipid medium--a kind of something that is neither one thing nor another. I know not how to express it more clearly; but when I say such a one is a pretty woman, a pretty thing, a pretty creature, you know very well I mean a little woman; and when I say such a one is a very fine woman, a very fine person of a woman, to be sure I must mean a tall woman. Now a woman that is between both is certainly neither the one nor the other.'
'Well, I own,' said he, 'you have explained yourself with great dexterity; but, with all these imperfections, I cannot help liking her.'
'That you need not tell me, Mr. James,' answered the lady, 'for that I knew before you desired me to invite her to your house. And nevertheless, did not I, like an obedient wife, comply with your desires? did I make any objection to the party you proposed for the masquerade, though I knew very well your motive? what can the best of wives do more? to procure you success is not in my power; and, if I may give you my opinion, I believe you will never succeed with her.'
'Is her virtue so very impregnable?' said he, with a sneer.
'Her virtue,' answered Mrs. James, 'hath the best guard in the world, which is a most violent love for her husband.'
'All pretence and affectation,' cries the colonel. 'It is impossible she should have so little taste, or indeed so little delicacy, as to like such a fellow.'
'Nay, I do not much like him myself,' said she. 'He is not indeed at all such a sort of man as I should like; but I thought he had been generally allowed to be handsome.'
'He handsome!' cries James. 'What, with a nose like the proboscis of an elephant, with the shoulders of a porter, and the legs of a chairman? The fellow hath not in the least the look of a gentleman, and one would rather think he had followed the plough than the camp all his life.'
'Nay, now I protest,' said she, 'I think you do him injustice. He is genteel enough in my opinion. It is true, indeed, he is not quite of the most delicate make; but, whatever he is, I am convinced she thinks him the finest man in the world.'
'I cannot believe it,' answered he peevishly; 'but will you invite her to dinner here to-morrow?'
'With all my heart, and as often as you please,' answered she. 'But I have some favours to ask of you. First, I must hear no more of going out of town till I please.'
'Very well,' cries he.
'In the next place,' said she, 'I must have two hundred guineas within these two or three days.'
'Well, I agree to that too,' answered he.
'And when I do go out of town, I go to Tunbridge--I insist upon that; and from Tunbridge I go to Bath--positively to Bath. And I promise you faithfully I will do all in my power to carry Mrs. Booth with me.'
'On that condition,' answered he, 'I promise you you shall go wherever you please. And, to shew you, I will even prevent your wishes by my generosity; as soon as I receive the five thousand pounds which I am going to take up on one of my estates, you shall have two hundred more.'
She thanked him with a low curtesie; and he was in such good humour
