a poison taster for his food. I doubt my role as the attending physician in your psychological care is unrelated to this.”
“Hm.”
“I noticed you arrived in Yukikaze. Quite a display you put on there. Did you mean that as a threat to the other participants in this meeting? Major Booker certainly knows how to liven up a show, doesn’t he?”
Captain Foss didn’t know that Yukikaze’s appearance had been wholly unexpected, and he figured she probably didn’t know that Llanfabon had been assigned to observe and protect the meeting either.
Rei said nothing. Captain Foss gave him a sidelong glance and then asked, “Or did you and not Major Booker plan that little production?”
“You don’t have to examine me anymore, Captain.”
“I’m asking this out of personal interest. I know you aren’t the sort who’d take offense at the question. You didn’t show up here in Yukikaze for some other duty, right? I don’t know why you’d go out of your way to do something like this, though. There’s a lot of things about you SAF people that are a mystery to me.”
“Having Yukikaze show up here wasn’t my idea or Major Booker’s. It wasn’t a show. It didn’t happen by chance, and it wasn’t for any other duty.”
“Could you just talk straight with me? The inability to get to the point is sometimes evidence of mental illness —”
“Okay, I don’t like you. Is that straight enough?”
“Perfectly. Now why did you show up here in Yukikaze?”
“No comment. Major Booker didn’t tell me it was okay to tell anyone else about it.”
“But you just said it wasn’t a show and it wasn’t by chance. Was it okay to say that?”
“He didn’t say to keep completely quiet about it either.”
“So then why do you say ‘no comment’ about anything more than that?”
“Because I’ve always wanted to say ‘no comment’ to somebody.”
“Are you mocking me?” Foss asked.
“Boy, there’s no hiding anything from you, is there? Yeah, I am.”
“You have some serious character issues.”
“You and me both. You’re the one who said I rode up in Yukikaze to liven up the show here. I figured, fine, have some fun and mock her right back.”
“You thought I was making fun of you?”
“I don’t get what you mean,” Rei said.
“I’m still interested in your relationship with Yukikaze. Did you really think I was mocking you when I asked if she was your lover?”
“No, you were being serious, so I answered you seriously. Why are you asking me this?”
“Why? Because this isn’t fun for me. There’s nothing fun about being mocked. You aren’t the only one who engages in this roundabout game of tit for tat. Everyone in the SAF is like that,” Foss said. “Talking to any of you pisses me off, and it’s all I’ve been able to do to maintain my personal feelings in the face of it. That goes for me both as a doctor and as an individual. But everyone has their limits, and I’ve reached mine. I hate you. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Do you understand?” A long time ago, a woman whose face he could no longer remember had said the same thing to him. Rei stopped walking and looked Captain Foss in the eye.
What was it about him that prompted such words? What thing, what deficiency inside of him inspired such black rage?
Captain Foss also stopped walking and met Rei’s gaze. Her mouth was open, but she noticed the hard expression on his face and slowly pressed her lips back together. Rei didn’t overlook how the pupils in her eyes contracted.
This doctor had been personally angry with him before, but now something had changed. His reaction was unexpected, and so either out of curiosity or her sense of duty as a doctor, she had raised her head to study him. What was it about this patient that made him constantly contradict what she said and react so excessively?
Rei himself was bewildered by his reactions.
He thought he’d forgotten everything about his past, so why was he dredging it back up now? He’d heard similar words from other people ever since he’d joined the FAF. He’d never once been bothered by anyone saying that they hated him. All he’d said to Captain Foss before was “I don’t like you,” to which she’d responded, “I hate you. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Do you understand?” That was all it was. So what of it? He shouldn’t have any problem with that.
So why did he feel the way he did?
Was Rei’s distress over this woman declaring her hatred of him due to some unconscious desire to court the favor of the opposite sex? Would he feel the same way if this doctor had been a man? But he couldn’t count the number of times other women had said that they hated him.
Captain Foss held her breath for a few moments, waiting for Rei to say something. When it looked like he wasn’t going to, she spoke instead.
“What happened between you and Yukikaze?”
Rei sighed and asked which way to go, ignoring her question.
“We’ve got a meeting to get to. Show me the way.”
“I can’t take much more of this, Captain Fukai. Even you must have emotions. There isn’t a human alive who can be told that they’re hated and not feel something about it. I know there’s some sort of wound in your heart.”
“I’m not here to fight with you, and I don’t know you well enough to have some sort of lovers’ quarrel either.”
“The meeting’s over there. You can’t miss seeing Major Booker, can you? Rei, don’t try to avoid talking about things. This is a serious problem for you.”
“What problem?”
“You want to have a fight. You want your ‘lovers’ quarrel’ to turn into an actual loving relationship.”
“That’s ridiculous. Why would I want that sort of relationship with you —”
“Not with me. With Yukikaze. Captain Fukai, I’ll ask you again: what happened between you and Yukikaze?”
“No comment.”
“Then I’ll do the talking. Think of this as a monologue. You’ve been told by Yukikaze that she hates you. Not a while ago, but very recently. And so what I said reminded you of that —”
“Yukikaze has no emotions.”
“But you do. Even you don’t know what will happen if, for example, somebody says that they hate you, and now Yukikaze is ignoring you. When I asked you before if Yukikaze was your lover, you knew already that she wasn’t. That wasn’t the relationship you shared before. You want to go back to that relationship, but you also know now that you can’t. So you attempted to erase your irritation, your feelings of being jilted, by mocking me. But when I refused to play along, you felt how empty you really were inside.”
Foss continued. “The problem is that Yukikaze is changing, whether you like it or not. When I said I hate you and don’t want to talk to you anymore, it felt like it was coming from Yukikaze. The reason for this must be that something similar happened between you and she. That’s why I asked you what it was. You don’t have to tell me, but then I want you to please stop using me as your emotional outlet. I’m an individual human being too, Captain Fukai. I’m not your lover, your best friend, your caregiver, your mommy, or your babysitter, and I’d like you to please stop mocking me. If I wasn’t a doctor, I’d tell you that you’re not the only human being and that you should try to be aware of how self-centered you are.”
“You
“I said this was a monologue.”
“Well, since you are a doctor, I’ll tell you this: You see me as a patient with psychological problems. You wouldn’t say what you did to most people, because there’s no need to. If you hate somebody, you can just stay away. So was everything you did planned from the start? Did you intentionally try to piss me off just to see what my reaction would be?”
“You’re letting your imagination run away with you,” Foss said. “You really don’t understand how to interact
