'I'm an alcoholic, Matthew. I've got to face the fact and I've got to deal with it.'
'I didn't have the impression that you drank that much.'
'It's not how much you drink. It's what it does to you. I have blackouts. I have personality changes. I tell myself I'm not going to drink and I do. I tell myself I'm going to have one drink and the next morning the bottle's empty. I'm an alcoholic.'
'You were in A.A. before.'
'That's right.'
'I thought it didn't work for you.'
'Oh, it was working fine. Until I drank. This time I want to give it a chance.'
I thought for a minute. 'Well, I think that's great,' I said.
'You do?'
'Yes, I do,' I said, and meant it. 'I think it's terrific. I know it works for a lot of people and there's no reason why you can't make it work. You're going to a meeting tonight?'
'That's right. I was at one this afternoon.'
'I thought they only had them at night.'
'They have them all the time, and all over the city.'
'How often do you have to go?'
'You don't have to do anything. They recommend ninety meetings in the first ninety days, but you can go to more. I have plenty of time. I can go to a lot of them.'
'That's great.'
'After the meeting this afternoon I was on the phone with somebody I knew when I was in the program last time. And I'm going to a meeting tonight, and that'll get me through today, and I'll have one day of sobriety.'
'Uh-huh.'
'That's how it's done, you see. You take it one day at a time.'
'That's great.' I wiped my forehead. It gets warm in a phone booth with the door closed. 'When do those meetings end? Ten or ten thirty, something like that?'
'Ten o'clock.'
'Well, suppose-'
'But people generally go out for coffee afterward.'
'Uh-huh. Well, suppose I came by around eleven? Or later, if you figure you'll want to spend more than an hour over coffee.'
'I don't think that's a very good idea, Matthew.'
'Oh.'
'I want to give this a fair shot. I don't want to start sabotaging myself before I even get started.'
I said, 'Jan? I wasn't planning to come over and drink with you.'
'I know that.'
'Or in front of you, as far as that goes. I won't drink when I'm with you. That's no problem.'
'Because you can stop anytime you want to.'
'I can certainly not drink when we're together.'
Another pause, and when she spoke I could hear the strain in her voice. 'God,' she said. 'Matthew, darling, it's not quite that simple.'
'Oh?'
'One of the things they tell us is that we're powerless over people, places and things.'
'I don't know what that means.'
'It means to avoid those elements that can increase our desire to drink.'
'And I'm one of those elements?'
'I'm afraid so.'
I cracked the phone booth door, let a little air in. I said, 'Well, what does that mean, exactly? That we never see each other again?'
'Oh, God.'
'Just tell me the rules so I'll understand.'
'Jesus, God. I can't think in terms of never again. I can't even think in terms of never having a drink again. I'm supposed to take it a day at a time, so let's do this in terms of today.'
'You don't want to see me today.'
