drinking. Except for the kind of people I had occasion to arrest.'
'Smack was strictly for lowlife types, then.'
'That's how I always saw it.'
He smiled gently. 'You probably knew some people who used it.
They just didn't let you know it.'
'That's possible.'
'I always liked it,' he said. 'I never shot it, I only snorted. I was afraid of needles, which was lucky, because otherwise I'd probably be dead of AIDS by now. You know, you don't have to shoot to develop a jones.'
'So I understand.'
'I got dopesick a couple of times and it scared me. I kicked it with the help of booze, and then, well, you know the rest of the story. I kicked junk on my own, but I had to go to a rehab to stop drinking. So it was alcohol that really kicked my ass, but in my heart I'm a junkie as much as I'm a drunk.'
He took a sip of coffee. 'And the thing is,' he said, 'it's a different city out there when you can see it through a junkie's eyes. I mean, you were a cop and all, and you've got street smarts, but if the two of us walk down the street together I'm going to see more dealers than you are. I'm gonna see them and they're gonna see me and we're gonna recognize each other. I go anywhere in this city and it wouldn't take me more than five minutes to find somebody happy to sell me a bag of dope.'
'So? I walk past bars all day, and so do you. It's the same thing, isn't it?'
'I guess. Heroin's been looking real good lately.'
'Nobody ever said it was going to be easy, Pete.'
'It was easy for a while. It's harder now.'
In the car he took up the theme again. 'I think, why bother? Or I go to a meeting and I'm like, who are these people? Where are they coming from? All this shit about turning everything over to a Higher Power and then life's a piece of cake. You believe in that?'
'That life's a piece of cake? Not quite.'
'More like a shit sandwich. No, do you believe in God?'
'It depends when you ask me.'
'Well, today. That's when I'm asking you. Do you believe in God?' I didn't say anything at first, and he said, 'Never mind, I got no right to pry. Sorry.'
'No, I was just trying to come up with an answer. I guess the reason I'm having trouble is I don't think the question's important.'
'It's not important whether there's a God or not?'
'Well, what difference does it make? Either way I've got the day to get through. God or no God, I'm an alcoholic who can't drink safely.
What's the difference?'
'The program's all about a Higher Power.'
'Yes, but it works the same whether He exists or not, and whether I believe in Him or not.'
'How can you turn over your will to something you don't believe in?'
'By letting go. By not trying to control things. By taking appropriate action and letting things work out the way God wants them to.'
'Whether He exists or not.'
'Right.'
He thought about it for a moment. 'I don't know,' he said. 'I grew up believing in God. I went to parochial school, I learned what they teach you. I never questioned it. I got sober, they said get a Higher Power, okay, no problem. Then when those fuckers send Francey back in pieces, man, what kind of a God lets something like that happen?'
'Shit happens.'
'You never knew her, man. She was a really good woman. Sweet, decent, innocent. A beautiful human being. Being around her made you want to be a better human being yourself. More than that. It made you feel like you could.' He braked at a red light, looked both ways, went on through it. 'Got a ticket like that once. Middle of the night, I stop, there's no one for miles in either direction, so what kind of idiot stands there waiting for the light to change? Fucking cop's lying doggo halfway down the block with his lights out, gives me a ticket.'
'I think we got away with it this time.'
'Looks like it. Kenan uses smack now and then. I don't know if you knew that.'
'How would I know it?'
'I didn't figure you did. Maybe once a month he'll snort up a bag.
Maybe less than that. It's recreational with him, he'll go to a jazz club and do up a bag in the john so that he can get into the music better. The thing is, he didn't let Francey know. He was sure she wouldn't approve, and he didn't want to do anything that would lower him in her eyes.'
'Did she know he trafficked in it?'
'That was different. That was business, that was what he did. And he wasn't going to stay in it forever. A few
