years and out, that's his plan.'
'That's everybody's plan.'
'I see what you're saying. Anyway, she was cool about it. It was something he did, it was his business, it was off to one side in a separate world. But he didn't want her to know he used sometimes.' He was silent for a beat. Then he said, 'He was stoned the other day. I called him on it and he denied it. I mean, fuck, man, he's gonna deceive a junkie on the subject of dope? Man's obviously high and swears he's not.
I guess it's because I'm clean and sober, he don't want to put temptation in front of me, but give me credit for some basic intelligence, huh?'
'Does it bother you that he can get high and you can't?'
'Does it bother me? Of course it fucking bothers me. He's going to Europe tomorrow.'
'He told me.'
'Like he's got to do a deal right away, build up the cash. That's a good way to get arrested, rushing into deals. Or worse than arrested.'
'Are you worried about him?'
'Jesus,' he said. 'I'm worried about all of us.'
ON the bridge back to Manhattan he said, 'When I was a kid I loved bridges. I collected pictures of them. My old man got it into his head that I should be an architect.'
'You still could, you know.'
He laughed. 'What, go back to school? No, see, I never wanted that for myself. I didn't have an inclination to build bridges. I just liked to look at 'em. I ever get the urge to pack it in, maybe I'll do a Brodie off the Brooklyn Bridge. Be something to change your mind halfway down, wouldn't it?'
'I heard a guy qualify once. He came out of a blackout on one of the bridges, I think it was this one, on the other side of the railing and with one foot in space.'
'Seriously?'
'He sounded pretty serious to me. No memory of having gone there, just whammo, there he is with one hand on the rail and one foot in the air. He climbed back and went home.'
'And had a drink, probably.'
'I would think so. But imagine if he came to five seconds later.'
'You mean after he took another step? Be a horrible feeling, wouldn't it? Only good thing about it is it wouldn't last long. Oh, shit, I should have got in the other lane. That's all right, we'll go a few blocks out of our way. I like it down here, anyway. You get down here much, Matt?'
We were driving around the South Street Seaport, a restored area around the Fulton Street fish market.
'Last summer,' I said, 'my girlfriend and I spent the afternoon, walked around the shops, ate at one of the restaurants.'
'It's a little yuppied up, but I like it. Not in the summer, though.
You know when it's nicest? On a night like this when it's cold and empty and you've got a light rain falling. That's when it's really beautiful down here.' He laughed. 'Now that,' he said, 'is a stone junkie talking, man.
Show him the Garden of Eden and he'll say he wants it dark and cold and miserable. An' he wants to be the only one there.'
IN front of my hotel he said, 'Thanks, Matt.'
'For what? I was planning on going to a meeting. I should be thanking you for the ride.'
'Yeah, well, thanks for the company. Before you go, one thing I've been meaning to ask you all night.
This job you're doing for Kenan. You think you got much of a chance of getting anyplace with it?'
'I'm not just going through the motions.'
'No, I realize you're giving it your best shot. I just wondered if you figured there was much chance it would pay off.'
'There's a chance,' I said. 'I don't know how good it is. I didn't start out with a lot to work with.'
'I realize that. You started with next to nothing, the way it looked to me. Of course you're looking at it from a professional standpoint, you're going to see it differently.'
'A lot depends on whether some of the actions I'm taking lead anywhere, Pete. And their actions in the future are a factor, too, and they're impossible to foresee. Am I optimistic? It depends when you ask me.'
'Same as your Higher Power, huh? The thing is, if you come to the conclusion that it's hopeless, don't be in a rush to tell my brother, huh?
Stay on it an extra week or two. So he'll think he did everything he can.'
I didn't say anything.
'What I mean—'
'I know what you mean,' I said. 'The thing is, it's not something I have to be told. I've always been a stubborn son of a bitch. When I start something I have a hell of a time letting go of it. I think that's the main way I solve things, to tell you the truth. I don't do it by being brilliant. I just hang on like a bulldog until something shakes loose.'
'And sooner or later something does? I know they used to say nobody gets away with murder.'
