'In that case the hell with it,' I said. 'In that case I think what I want is a drink and it shouldn't be all that hard to find somebody willing to sell it to me.'
'Matt, don't take it that way.'
'Don't tell me how to take it,' I said. 'Don't give me that shit.'
There was something clean and satisfying about the rage I felt. I stalked out of there, my anger burning with a pure flame, and stood on the sidewalk trying to decide where to go for a drink.
Then someone was calling my name.
I turned. A fellow in an army jacket was smiling gently at me. I couldn't place him at first. He said it was good to see me and asked how I was doing, and then of course I knew who it was.
I said, 'Oh, hi, Jim. I'm okay, I guess.'
'Going to the meeting? I'll walk with you.'
'Oh,' I said. 'Gee, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it tonight. I have to see a guy.'
He just smiled. Something clicked, and I asked him if his last name was Faber.
'That's right,' he said.
'You called me at the hotel.'
'Just wanted to say hello. Nothing important.'
'I didn't recognize the name. Otherwise I would have called you back.'
'Sure. You sure you don't want to tag along to the meeting, Matt?'
'I wish I could. Oh, Jesus.'
He waited.
'I've been having a little trouble, Jim.'
'That's not so unusual, you know.'
I couldn't look at him. I said, 'I started drinking again. I went, I don't know, seven or eight days. Then I started again, and I was doing okay, you know, controlling it, and then one night I got into trouble.'
'You got in trouble when you picked up the first one.'
'I don't know. Maybe.'
'That's why I called,' he said gently. 'I figured maybe you could use a little help.'
'You knew?'
'Well, you were in pretty rocky shape at the meeting Monday night.'
'I was at the meeting?'
'You don't remember, do you? I had a feeling you were in a blackout.'
'Oh my God.'
'What's the matter?'
'I went there drunk? I showed up drunk at an AA meeting?'
He laughed. 'You make it sound like a mortal sin. You think you're the first person who ever did that?'
I wanted to die. 'But it's terrible,' I said.
'What's so terrible?'
'I can never go back. I can never walk into that room.'
'You're ashamed of yourself, aren't you?'
'Of course.'
He nodded. 'I was always ashamed of my blackouts. I didn't want to know about them and I was always afraid of what I might have done.
Just for the record, you weren't so bad. You didn't make trouble. You didn't talk out of turn. You spilled a cup of coffee—'
'Oh, God.'
'It's not as if you spilled it on anybody. You were just drunk, that's all. In case you were wondering, you didn't look to be having a very good time. Matter of fact, you looked pretty miserable.'
I found the courage to say, 'I wound up in the hospital.'
'And you're out already?'
'I signed myself out this afternoon. I had a convulsion, that's how I got there.'
'That'll do it.'
We walked a little ways in silence. I said, 'I wouldn't be able to stay for the whole meeting. I have to meet a guy at ten o'clock.'
