I don't understand all of what you say; but you're still so willing to spend so much time with me?'
'Selfishness. Not the bad way, the way so many people think of it, as someone that wants to take all the time and not give back; but the original meaning, of someone who's interest is in their own desires and wants, without hurting anyone else. Selfishly, I don't want to live in a world where the kind of crap that we've all gotten so used to goes on.
Selfishly, I want it to be better – for ME; but not at the expense of anyone else. And the way I figure I can do that best is by helping other people learn what I have, so that – selfishly – there are more of 'us' for me to deal with and enjoy – and fewer of 'them' to have to try to work around, or avoid. Simply put, all I want is the best – in me, and in other people. Selfishly, I'm not willing to settle for anything less.
Selfishly, I'm willing to put time and energy into helping other people develop their best.'
She was even more intense as she asked me 'So how do you manage to do all of that?'
'It's hard and easy, at the same time, to do; just like it's complex and simple at the same time, to think about. The doing part is easy, in that all I have to do is trust my own judgment, and learn from my experiences. It's hard, in that I have to accept responsibility for that judgment, and learning what's important from those experiences. The thinking part is simple, because all I have to do is be me, and no one else – completely, and all the time. It's complex because it's my responsibility to make sure that all the parts that make up the ME are things that I want me to be, and that they all work together, consistently. Just like one bad piece of wood can make a whole house weak to some degree, if there's one bad part of ME, then that makes all of me weak, to some degree.'
'How do you know when you're doing it right?'
'Simple – I feel good, about myself, and the people I keep around me.'
'How does that work?'
'Again, it's pretty simple. Remember when I said that how much you love someone is the instant total of all the values you see in them?' – she nodded, seriously – 'It works the same way with your own happiness: if you're happy with and about yourself, then that's the instant total of all the values you see in yourself.'
'But aren't the, uh, shitheads out there happy with themselves, too? At least, sometimes?'
'Sure – but the big difference is, because my values are higher, I'm more honest and consistent in how I use them – and because I'm more honest and consistent, I'm better able to see what they can't: just as my values are higher, so is my happiness. What's a hundred percent happiness for them might only be ten percent for me. Some of them might argue that their hundred percent is the same for them as *my* hundred percent is for me – but most of them know, deep inside their hearts and minds, that it doesn't work that way; they know that a hundred percent of a pile of gold isn't the same as a hundred percent of a pile of rocks. And that's why they spend so much of their time and money and energy trying to find new and different ways of distracting themselves from that knowledge – such as drugs, and that kind of nonsense. The high of marijuana or cocaine or adrenaline is a far, far second to the happiness of knowing that you have made the best you can of your heart and mind and soul.'
She stared at me for several long seconds, deep in thought, before she suddenly exclaimed'Oh, shit!', and a few moments later, repeated it.
'Jesus Christ on a crutch! That's it! I understand now – I know how you and Kelly and Jan and Sandra – and me now! even me! – can be how you, I mean we, are. It is, it's so simple!', she exclaimed, before focusing on me again, and saying'Dear God, how did you ever come UP with this? I mean, it's right there, in front of everybody; and its so obvious and so simple – and none of us every saw it! What the hell were we doing?
What were we thinking about? Damn!'
Seeing the bemused expression on my face, she stopped, giving me the chance to tell her 'How I found it wasn't easy – I spent nearly twenty years of my life, learning and studying, not only in school, but in the real world, and thinking about it before it came to me. And the reason so many people do miss it is for the very reasons you just said: it*is* obvious – so obvious that most people don't have any trouble looking right past it, because they're looking for something more complicated.'
'I can believe it – hell, I have to believe it, because I did the same damn thing.', she said; adding a few moments later 'Now I understand why Sandra acted the way she did – now I know how much I owe you, for
'And you also know that the debt isn't to me.'
She looked at me for a moment, before saying 'No, I guess it isn't, is it? But I'll repay it – but you know that, of course, don't you?', with a wry grin.
I was content to let her sit there, thinking things through – she'd found the core, the skeleton of what I'd learned, and needed a little time to develop it, to flesh it out. Several minutes went by as she gazed off into space, deep in thought, before her attention returned to where she was, and what she was doing.
When she did, she looked at me, and blushed a bit. She opened her mouth to speak, and I quickly put a finger across it, silencing her as I said 'It's okay. I understand.'
Her mouth closed, and she smiled at me, before telling me, 'Yeah, I guess you do. If anyone does, it has to be you!'
Suddenly realizing where we were, and the position she was in, she looked at me, saying 'We still haven't made love yet, though.'
'We don't have to. You know I love you, just as I know you love me.'
'Yeah, I do, and know you do, too. That's why I want us to make love, even more now than before.'
She let me pull her close, and we hugged each other, intimately but not passionately – that was to come later. For then, we were content to have, and know, each other.
After a while, we separated, and with a grin on her face, Robyn began kissing me, everywhere on my face but my mouth, slowly and softly, an expression of absolute radiance on her face.
Gradually, she started moving herself down and back, so that she could have easier access to me – taking my neck muscles between her teeth, she made a soft growling noise and chewing motion, as though literally eating me. Then she moved on, kissing and gently nipping the skin of my shoulders, and then on to my chest – even pausing for a while to caress and squeeze my chest muscles, much as I'd done with her breasts; and going even farther, to lick and suck at my nipples for a while, before continuing her journey down my body.
Resting on my tailbone as I was, it was easy for her to finally make her way to my penis – kissing it in passing as she continued to shower me with small licks and gentle kisses.
Finally, though, she did zero in on my then semi-erect penis. Without using her hands, she nibbled at it with her lips, then licking it and moving it around with her tongue. When it was erect enough that the glans raised off me, she readily took it into her mouth, walking her lips down it's length as she sucked it into her mouth – still without touching it with her hands, which she was using to caress and stroke my thighs and lower belly.
With her nose buried in my pubic hair, she had all of me – still not fully erect, but still… – in her mouth. When I got a bit harder, she let the head rest against her throat – not deep-throating me, but not missing it by much, either. Caressing me with her tongue as she applied a constant mild suction, I got closer and closer to full erection; she simply kept my glans where it was, allowing the 'surplus' to escape through her lips. Once she was satisfied that I was completely hard, she slowly pulled her head away from me, in exquisite slowness, stopping only when her lips were wrapped around the head. From there, back down she went, just as slowly, laying her tongue against the bottom of my member so I slid along it's surface as she took me in again.
When her mouth was filled with me again, she started sliding her tongue back and forth while keeping it pressed against the bottom ridge of my erection. She couldn't have been moving her tongue more than an inch or so, but if felt like miles, so slow and erotic was it.
After a bit, she again let me slide from her mouth, stopping with only the head in her possession, and back down again. Another repeat of the tongue action, and up she went, then back down.
Several times she went through the cycle, each time moving a bit faster, so that at the end, her head was bobbing almost constantly on my stiffness. Only when I felt a small drop of seminal fluid escape – which she promptly slurped up – did she slow her actions, and finally, stop them.
When she was again on my lap, we kissed passionately for several seconds, before she broke it. Reaching down between us, she parted her labia, and lowered herself slightly, so that the bottom of my erection was pressed against her vaginal opening. Once satisfied that I was 'just so', she pulled my hands to her breasts, saying 'touch me – and don't worry about being gentle', and put her hands on my shoulders.
I gave her breasts a firm squeeze, and she gasped in response, before hunching herself forward a bit, and sliding her labia a short way along my penis. Another squeeze, and another gasp as she slid herself back, close to
