Two for the dough

'It's a penis,' Grandma said. 'Stephanie got it in the mail. It's a pretty good one too.' My father recoiled. 'Jesus and Joseph!'

'Who would do such a thing?' my mother shouted. 'What is it? Is it rubber? Is it one of those rubber penises?'

'Don't look rubber to me,' Grandma Mazur said. 'Looks to me like a real penis, except it's kind of discolored. I don't remember them being this color.'

'That's crazy!' my mother said. 'What person would mail his penis?' Grandma Mazur looked at the envelope. 'Says Klein on the return address. I always thought that was a Jewish name, but this doesn't look to me like a Jewish penis.' Everyone turned their attention to Grandma Mazur.

'Not that I'd know much about it,' Grandma said. 'It's just that I might have seen one of them Jewish ones in National Geographic .'

Morelli took the box from me and replaced the lid. We both knew the name to attach to the penis. Joseph Loosey.

'I'm going to take a raincheck on dinner,' Morelli said. 'I'm afraid this is a police matter.' He snagged my pocketbook off the hal table and draped it over my shoulder. 'Stephanie needs to come too, so she can make a statement.'

'It's that bounty hunter job,' my mother said to me. 'You meet all the wrong kinds of people. Why can't you get a good job like your cousin Christine? No one ever sends Christine these things in the mail.'

'Christine works in a vitamin factory. She spends her whole day watching the cotton stuffer to make sure it doesn't malfunction.'

'She makes good money.'

I zipped my jacket. 'I make good money . . . sometimes.'

Chapter Eleven

Morelli yanked the door to the truck open, tossed the overnight envelope onto the seat, and made an impatient gesture for me to follow. His face was composed, but I could feel the vibrations of anger radiating in waves from his body.

'Goddamn him,' Morelli said, slamming the truck into gear. 'He thinks this is fucking funny. Him and his damn games. When he was a kid he used to tell me stories about the things he'd done. I never knew what was real and what was made up. I'm not sure Kenny knew. Maybe it was all real.'

'Were you serious about this being a police matter?'

'The post office frowns on the mailing of human body parts for sport purposes.'

'That was why you rushed us out of my parents' house?'

'I rushed us out of your parents' house because I didn't think I could manage two hours at the dinner table with everyone focused on Joe Loosey's joystick sitting in the refrigerator next to the applesauce.'

'I'd appreciate it if you could keep this quiet. I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea about me and Mr. Loosey.'

'Your secret is safe.'

'Do you think we should tell Spiro?'

'I think you should tell Spiro. Let him think the two of you are in this together. Maybe you can learn something.'

Morelli eased the truck into the Burger King drive-through and got a couple bags of food. He rolled the window up, pulled out into traffic, and the truck immediately filled with the smell of America.

'It's not pot roast,' Morelli said.

That was true, but with the exception of dessert, food is food. I stuck the straw into my milk shake and dug around in the bag for the french fries. 'These stories Kenny used to tell you . . . what were they about?'

'Nothing you want to hear. Nothing I even want to remember. Very sick shit.' He took a handful of fries. 'You never told me how you happened to locate Kenny in the motel.'