Lula leaned over the seat, watching him. 'Good to keep a man on his toes,' Lula said. 'I bet he's all worried back there, cursing you out. He can't find a place to wheel that SUV around. Uh-oh, he just jumped the curb and knocked over a garbage can. Ranger won't be happy to see a scratch on that shiny new car.'
I pulled into the driveway, blocking my father's car so he couldn't make a getaway. Then I ran back to Cal, who was parking in front of the house. His face was red and a trickle of sweat traced a path down his temple.
'It's okay if you park here,' I said to Cal and Junior, 'but don't get out of the car. Both of you stay here and try to look normal.' Even as I said it, I knew it was an impossible request. 'And don't worry about that big gash in the right front fender. It's really not all that bad,' I said.
The red in Cal's face kicked up a notch.
Lula was waiting for me on my parents' front porch. 'You are so evil,' she said. 'There's no gash in the right front fender.'
Grandma Mazur opened the door to me. 'What a surprise,' she said, real loud. 'Look everyone, Stephanie's here.'
Mary Alice was back to being a horse, galloping around the house, making horse sounds. The baby was screaming surprisingly loud for a newborn and Valerie was furiously rocking it in the rocking chair. Angie was drawing on a pad in the dining room. She had cotton wads stuck in her ears and she was singing, trying to drown out the noise. Albert Kloughn was pacing in front of Valerie.
'Maybe there's something wrong with her,' Kloughn said to Valerie. 'Maybe we should take her back to the hospital. Maybe she's hungry. Maybe she's wet.'
'Maybe she's got gas,' Grandma Mazur said. 'I know I do. This family's getting on my nerves. I can't stand all this noise and commotion. It gives me indigestion. I gotta get some Maalox.'
'I'm outta here,' Lula said. 'Nice seeing you all, but I'm going to wait in the car. I'm not good with crying babies. I've been locked in a truck cab with a dog and two horny truck drivers for the last couple days and on top of that I'm worried I'm turning into a carnivore.'
'I wouldn't mind hearing about the two horny truck drivers,' Grandma said.
I went into the kitchen where my mother was ironing. She always irons when she's upset. Ordinarily no one would approach my mother when she's got an iron in her hand, but I thought I should say something. 'This house is bedlam,' I said to her.
'I got a nice almond ring from the bakery,' my mother said. 'Help yourself. And there's fresh coffee.'
Even when my mother was in a state, she was still a mother.
'What do you think of my hair?' I asked her.
She looked at me and made the sign of the cross. 'Holy Mary, mother of God,' she said. Then she smiled. 'I can always count on you to top anything we have going on here.'
'I hear Val's getting married.'
'Thank goodness.'
'And I hear they're all going to live here.'
'What can I do?' my mother said. 'They have to live someplace. Am I going to turn my daughter out on the street? They're going to buy a house as soon as Albert gets a little more established.'
There were heavy footsteps on the stairs.
'Your father,' my mother said. 'He's moving out. We've been married for over thirty years and now he's moving out.'
Only if he pushed my car out of the driveway.
I went back to Val in the living room and shouted over the baby. 'I'm living with Morelli these days,' I said. 'Why don't you and the kids and Albert move into my apartment?' This was right up there with poking myself in the eye with a hot stick. I didn't really want to turn my apartment over to Valerie, but it was the only way I could immediately get her out of my parents' house.
'It would just be temporary,' Kloughn said. 'Just until we find a place of our own. Boy, that's really nice of you. Valerie, isn't that nice of Stephanie?'
'It is,' Valerie said, shifting the baby so it could nurse.
Lisa stopped crying and Valerie looked like she was morphing back to the serene Saint Valerie. I was thinking that there was probably a lot of my mother in Valerie.
'There's nothing like a baby,' Grandma said.
Mary Alice galloped by and stopped to look. 'I'd rather have a horse,' she said.
'When she gets older you'll be able to help feed her,' Valerie said. 'And she'll be as much fun as a horse.'
'Horses have nice silky tails,' Mary Alice said.
'Maybe we'll let Lisa grow her hair long into a ponytail,' Valerie said. 'Would you like to take the little cap off her head so you can see her hair?'
Mary Alice took the cap off Lisa's head and we were all transfixed by the wispy dark hair that swirled from Lisa's crown and framed her face. Lisa's tiny hands were balled into fists, her eyes were open, and fixed on Valerie.
And just like that, as of that instant, I wanted a baby. I didn't care if it had to come out of my vagina.
'I'll tell your father about the apartment,' Kloughn said. 'I don't think he really wanted to move in with Harry Farnsworth.'
'I'll go over and box my stuff so you have room in the closet. You can move in anytime. Only thing, if there are
