'For the last couple days my teeth have been feeling funny. You know, like they're growing. Just these two ones in front. What do they call them… canines. And then I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning when I was brushing my teeth and I was thinking they looked bigger. Like vampire teeth. Like I'm eating so much meat I'm turning into a carnivore. And I'm getting dog teeth.'
Connie and I were speechless.
'What happened to your hair?' Lula asked me. 'You look like Don King.'
'Yes, but I'm not cute,' I said.
'Fuckin' A,' Lula said.
Lula and I packed off in my car and headed for the Apusenjas. Boo was on Lula's lap, ears up, eyes bright.
'Look at him,' Lula said. 'He knows he's going home. Isn't it something the way dogs know these things? I tell you, I'm going to miss this little guy.' Lula cut her eyes to the rearview mirror. 'Looks like you still got a bodyguard.'
I turned and squinted back at the Explorer. Cal was behind the wheel. And he had someone riding shotgun. Great. Now I had two baby-sitters.
I whipped out my cell phone and called Ranger.
'Lula's back,' I told him. 'So, thanks anyway, but I don't need Cal.'
'He's staying,' Ranger said.
'I can take care of myself. I want you to tell Cal to stop following me.'
'The carnation killer isn't going to move on you when you're so obviously guarded. He doesn't want to shoot you in the head from a distance. He wants to play with you.'
'Yeah, but this is really annoying and it could go on forever.'
'Not forever,' Ranger said. 'Just long enough for the police to do their thing. They have some leads. Having Cal in place buys them some time.'
'Grandma Bella said I wasn't going to die until I was real old.'
'That makes me feel so much better,' Ranger said. And he disconnected.
I parked in front of the Apusenjas' house. Lula leaned forward and adjusted the rearview mirror and checked out her teeth.
'You're starting to creep me out with this teeth stuff,' I said.
'How do you think I feel? I'm the one turning into a… creature. I feel like Michael J. Fox in that werewolf movie. Remember when he started growing hair all over? It was like he was turning into Connie.'
Lula gave up on the teeth and looked over at the house. 'I'm bringing this dog back because that's the right thing to do, but the bride of Frankenstein better not start on me.'
'The bride of Frankenstein likes us now. She said she guessed I wasn't such a bad slut.'
'Bet you got all excited over that.' Lula levered herself out of the Escape, holding tight to Boo. She set him down on the ground. Boo ran to the Apusenjas' front door and started yapping to be let in.
Mrs. Apusenja opened the door and let out a shriek. She scooped up Boo and held him close and got a lot of sloppy Boo kisses.
'Isn't that nice,' Lula said. 'A family reunited. It almost makes me want to get a dog. Except for the peeing and pooping part.'
Tell me about it.
CHAPTER 15
I WAS ON my way back to the office when Grandma Mazur called.
'We got a situation here,' she said. 'I don't suppose you're in the neighborhood?'
'What kind of a situation?'
'Valerie decided she's going to marry Albert.'
'That's great.'
'Yeah, except Albert's been living with his mom and his mom isn't happy that Albert's not marrying in his faith. Albert's mom wants him to marry a Jewish girl and so she's kicked him out of the house. That means everyone's going to be living here. Albert just showed up with a couple boxes of his stuff and he's moving it into that little room upstairs with Valerie and the girls.'
'Oh boy.'
'Exactly. We need to put rubber walls on this house. We don't all fit in it anymore. Your father says he's moving in with Harry Farnsworth. He's upstairs packing and your mothers all upset.'
'My dad's moving out?'
'I can sort of see his point on this. He had to drive to the gas station on Hamilton to use the bathroom this morning. So I don't exactly blame him, but what's your mother going to do if your father moves out permanent? Where's she going to find another man? It's not like she's a live wire.'
I did a large mental sigh. 'I'll be right there.'
'Don't tell nobody I called you,' Grandma said.
I made a U-turn on Hamilton and smiled, knowing Cal was scrambling to follow me in the big Explorer.
