'How could she know?' Sally asked. 'We were way across town, and it's been less than an hour, start to finish.'
'The first call always comes from Traci Wenke and Myron Flatt on account of they listen to the police band on their radios,' Grandma said. 'And then Elsa Downing probably called. She finds out early because her daughter works as a dispatcher. And I bet Shirley called to see if she could drop the kids off so she could go to the hospital.'
I parked the Buick, and by the time I got to ray mother her face was white, and I expected steam to begin curling out of her ears at any moment. 'Don't start,' I said. 'I'm not talking about it until I've had some cake.'
My mother wheeled around without a word, marched to the kitchen, and sliced me a wedge of cake. I followed after her. 'Ice cream,' I said.
She scooped half a tub of ice cream onto my plate. She stepped back and looked at me. 'Blood,' she said.
'Not mine.'
She made the sign of the cross.
'And I'm pretty sure Eddie's going to be okay.'
Another cross.
There'd been places left at the table for Grandma and me. I took my place and shoveled in cake. Grandma brought an extra chair from the kitchen for Sally and bustled around filling plates. The rest of the family was silent at the dining-room table. Only my father was active, head down, forking up chicken and mashed potatoes. Everyone else was frozen in their seats, mouths open, eyes wide, not sure what to make of me with the blood on my shirt… and Sally in his earrings.
'You all remember Sally, don't you?' Grandma asked as introduction. 'He's a famous musician, and he's a girl sometimes.
He's got a whole bunch of pretty dresses and high heel shoes and makeup. He's even got one of them black leather bustier things with pointy ice cream cone breasts. You don't even hardly notice his chest hair when he's got that bustier thing on.'
Three
'Now can he be a girl sometimes?' Mary Alice wanted to know.
Mary Alice is in third grade and is two years younger than her sister, Angie. Mary Alice can ride a bike, play Monopoly if someone helps her read the Chance cards, and can recite the names of all of Santa's reindeer. She's in the dark on gender crossing.
'I just dress up like a girl,' Sally said. 'It's part of my onstage persona.'
'I'd want to dress up like a horse,' Mary Alice said.
Angie looked at Sally's wrist. Why are you wearing an elastic band?'
'I'm trying to quit cussing,' Sally said. 'Every time I cuss I snap the elastic band. It's supposed to make me not want to cuss anymore.'
'You should just say a different word than the cuss word,' Angie said. 'Something that sounds like the cuss word.'
'I've got it!' Grandma said. 'Fudge. That's what you should say.'
'Fudge,' Sally repeated. 'I don't know… I feel silly saving fudge.'
'What's the red stuff all over Aunt Stephanie?' Mary Alice wanted to know.
'Blood,' Grandma said. 'We were in a shoot-out. None of us got hurt, but Stephanie was helping out Eddie Gazarra. He was shot twice, and he had blood spurting all over the place.'
'Eeeuw,' Angie said.
Valerie's live-in boyfriend, Albert Kloughn, was seated next to me. He looked down at my blood-spattered arm and fainted. Crash. Right off his chair.
'He fucking fainted,' Sally said. 'Oh f-f-fudge.' Snap.
I was done with my cake, so I went to the kitchen and tried to clean up. Probably I should have cleaned up before coming to the table but I really needed the cake.
When I got back to the table Albert was sitting in his seat. I'm not squeamish or anything,' he said. 'I just slipped. It was one of those freak accidents.'
Albert Kloughn was about five foot seven, had sandy blond hair showing the beginnings of male pattern baldness, and the chubby face and body of a twelve-year-old. He was a lawyer, of sorts, and he was the father of Valerie's baby. He was a sweet guy, but he felt more like a pet than a future brother-in-law. His office was located next to a laundromat, and he dispensed more quarters than legal advice.
There was a light rap on the front door, the door opened, and
Joe walked in. My mother was immediately running for an extra plate, not sure where she was going to put it. Even with the leaf in, the table could only accommodate eight, and Joe made ten.
'Here,' Kloughn said, jumping to his feet, 'you can have my place. I'm done eating. I don't mind. Honest.'
'Isn't he a cuddle umpkins?' Valerie said.
Grandma hid behind her napkin and made a gagging gesture.
Morelli held his response to a benign smile. My father kept eating.
And it occurred to me that cuddle umpkins fit Kloughn perfectly. How awful is that?
'Now that everyone's here, I have an announcement to make,' Valerie said. 'Albert and I have set a date to get married.'
This was an important announcement because when Valerie was pregnant she was thinking she might hold out for Ranger or Indiana Jones. This was a worrisome situation since it was unlikely either of those guys would be interested in marrying Valerie.
Valerie's opinion of Albert Kloughn improved with the birth of the baby, but until this moment my mother harbored the fear that she'd be saddled with Valerie gossip for the rest of her life. Unwed mothers, horrific painful deaths, and cheating husbands were the favorite topics of the Burg gossipmongers.
That's wonderful!' my mother said, clapping a hand to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. 'I'm so happy for you.'
'A wedding!' Grandma said. 'I'll need a new dress. And we need a hall for the reception.' She dabbed at her eyes. 'Look at me… I'm all teary.'
Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs.
I'm going to marry my snuggy wuggums,' she said.
Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and leaned close. 'If you ever call me snuggy wuggums in public I'll lock you in the cellar and chain you to the furnace.'
Kloughn was standing at the end of the table with a glass of wine in his hand. I have to make a toast,' he said. 'To the future Mrs. Kloughn!'
My mother went still as stone. She hadn't totally thought through the consequences of Valerie's marriage to Albert. 'Valerie Kloughn,' she said, trying not to show her horror.
'Holy crap,' my father said.
I leaned close to Morelli. 'Now I'm not the only clown in the family,' I whispered.
Morelli raised his glass. To Valerie Kloughn,' he said.
Kloughn drained his glass and refilled it. 'And to me! Because I'm the luckiest man ever. I found my lovey pumpkin, my one true lovey dovey, my big fat sweetie pie.'
'Hey, wait a minute…' Valerie said. 'Big fat sweetie pie?'
Grandma refilled her wineglass, 'Somebody stun-gun him,' she said. 'I can't take no more.'
Kloughn rushed on. His face was flushed, and he'd started to sweat. 'I've even got a baby,' he said. 'I don't know how that happened. Well, I mean, I guess I know how it happened. I think it happened on the couch in there…'
Everyone but Joe sucked in some air. Joe was smiling. 'And to think, I almost missed this,' he whispered to me.
My mother looked like tomorrow she'd be shopping for a new couch. And my father was studying his butter
