'I think it's fun,' I told Grandma. 'It brings out the color in your eyes.'
I could see my mother bite into her lower lip, and I knew she was eyeing the liquor cabinet again.
'II makes me feel like a whole new person,' Grandma said. 'Sissy says I look just like Shirley MacLaine.'
I zipped my jacket. 'I just stopped in to say hello. I have to get back to the office.'
I checked myself out in the hall mirror on my way to the door to make sure there were no leftover effects from the stun gun… like my tongue hanging out or my eyes rolling around in my head. I didn't notice anything, so I left my parents' house, buckled myself into the Cayenne, and called Lula.
'Un hunh,' Lula said.
'I'm going to check on Carl Coglin. Want to ride along with me?'
'Sure. Maybe I can explode another squirrel on myself.'
Five minutes later, I picked her up in front of the bonds office.
'Now this is what I call a car,' Lula said, getting into the Cayenne. 'Only one place you get a car like this.'
'It's Rangers.'
'Don't I know it. I get a rush just sitting in it. I swear, that man is so hot and so fine it's like he isn't even human.'
'Mmm,' I said.
'Mmm. What's that supposed to mean? You think he isn't fine?'
'He involved me in a murder.'
'He told you to choke Dickie in front of the whole law office staff?'
'Well, no. Not exactly.'
'Not that Dickie don't deserve getting choked.'
'Dickie's scum.'
'Fuckin’ A,' Lula said.
'Although it would appear I'm the sole beneficiary in his will.'
'Say what?'
'Apparently, he had a will drawn up when we were married, making me heir, and he never got around to changing it.'
'How do you know that?'
'Joyce has a copy. She told the police about it, and they brought me in for questioning.'
'Then it's Joyce that involved you in this murder.'
'Yes!'
'Bitch,' Lula said.
I drove up Hamilton and pointed the Porsche toward North Trenton. It was four o'clock, and another day was slipping by without a capture. If this continued, I'd have to scrounge around for another job. At least something part-time.
'What's the plan here?' Lula wanted to know.
'If he's home, we grab him and cuff him and drag him to the car. You have cuffs, right?'
'Not with me. You're the big-deal bounty hunter. You're supposed to have the cuffs.'
'I lost my cuffs.'
'Again? Honest to goodness, I've never seen anybody lose things like you.'
'You usually have cuffs,' I said to Lula.
'They're sort of attached to my bed. Tank was over, and we got playful.'
Eeek. Either one of them in handcuffs attached to a bed wasn't a good picture. 'I didn't realize you were a couple.'
'We're one of them couples who don't see each other all the time. We just see each other some of the time. And sometimes it goes to once in a while.'
'Okay, then we can grab Coglin and stun-gun him. Do you have your stun gun?'
'Sure I got my stun gun.' Lula pulled her stun gun out of her big purse.
'Uh-oh, low battery.'
I knew she had her Glock. And I knew it was loaded. But I didn't especially want her to shoot Coglin.
'How about I grab him and sit on him until he gives up?' Lula said.
'I guess that would work.'
I cruised down Coglin's street and idled in front of his house. Lights were off inside. I drove around the block and scoped out the back of the house. No car parked in the alley. I cut the engine and Lula and I got out and walked to Coglin's back door. I rapped on the door and announced myself. No answer.
Lula had her hand on the doorknob. 'Its unlocked,' she said, pushing the door open, stepping inside. 'This guy's real trusting.'
'Maybe he never came back.'
We went room by room, flipping lights on, looking around. The stuffed animals were everywhere. He had an entire bedroom filled with pigeons.
'Who would want a stuffed pigeon?' Lula asked. 'I mean, what sort of a market do you suppose there is for a dead pigeon?'
We went back downstairs, made our way out to the porch showroom, and Lula stopped in front of a beaver.
'Look at this bad boy,' Lula said. 'Now, this is what I'm talking about. This here's the biggest fuckin' rodent ever lived. This is practically prehistoric.'
I'd never seen a beaver up close and personal, and I was surprised at the size. 'Do you suppose they're always this big?'
'Maybe Crazy Coglin overstuffed it.'
Lula picked up a remote that had been placed beside the beaver. The remote had two buttons. One of the buttons was labeled eyes and the other bang!
Lula pressed the EYES button and the beaver's eyes glowed. She pressed it again and the eyes shut off.
'Probably I don't want to press the bang! button,' Lula said. 'This here looks to me like a exploding beaver. And it's not like it's some second-rate squirrel. This mother's gonna make a mess. This is atomic. This is something you only give to the enemy.'
I looked over at Lula and smiled.
'I know what you're thinking,' Lula said. 'You're thinking of Joyce and how she deserves this beaver. You're thinking we have a obligation to give this beaver to Joyce.'
'She likes animals.'
'Yeah, especially big trained dogs and ponies.'
'Maybe the second button doesn't explode it. Maybe the beaver sings a song or something.'
'The button says bang!'
'It could be mislabeled.'
'I see where you're going,' Lula said. 'You're thinking we have to say a lot of Hail Marys if we send this to Joyce and explode it on her. But it wouldn't be our fault if it exploded accidental. Or if there was a misunderstanding on our part.'
'I wouldn't want to maim her.'
'Of course not.'
'Just because she shot at me, zapped me with a stun gun, and ratted me out to the police isn't any reason to do her bodily harm.'
'Whatever.'
'Still, it would be fun to send her a singing beaver.'
Lula looked at her watch. 'How long we gonna stand here doing this rationalizing shit? I got stuff to do.'
I scrounged around in my purse and came up with eight dollars and forty cents. I left it on the table and pocketed the remote.
'What's that?' Lula wanted to know.
'It's for the beaver. I'm in enough trouble. I don't want to be accused of stealing a… singing beaver.'
'And you think it's worth eight dollars and forty cents?'
