“No. But you know how the bakery has those two glass doors? So, like, suppose there were two people going in and out of those doors at exactly the same time? Would they be in or would they be out? And, like, would that count?”
“Yes, it would count,” I told him.
“Then there was someone else, and she was either in or out. Now that I’m thinking about it, she might have been a teensy bit more out. It was her gazongas that were over the line. She had, like, massive gazongas. They’d definitely crossed the midway line before the rest of her.”
“She was coming out when you were going in?”
“Yeah,” Mooner said.
“Did you watch her cross the lot?”
“No, man. I was caught in the cinnamon roll tractor beam.”
“Okay, so what did she look like?” I asked him.
Mooner grinned. “She had real big gazongas.”
“We’ve already established that,” I said.
“He got a gazonga fixation,” Lula said. “What is it with men and gazongas? It’s not like women got a nut fixation. It’s not like we go around looking for some guy with basketballs hangin’ down to his knees.”
“Back to the woman,” I said. “How old was she?”
“She was about our age.”
“Pretty?”
“Yeah. She was, like, porn-star pretty.”
“What the heck is porn-star pretty?” Lula wanted to know.
“Like, out there with the gazongas, you know?”
“You say gazongas one more time, and I’m gonna hit you,” Lula said.
“Moving on,” I said. “What else?”
“She was wearing a lot of eye makeup, and she had big fat shiny lips, and she was in one of those black leather tops with the shoestrings. And it was, like, hardly holding the… you-know-whats in.”
“She was wearing a bustier,” Lula said.
“And she was in a black leather skirt that was, wow, really short. And stilleto heels.”
“Yep, that’s a porn star all right,” Lula said.
I was pretty sure I knew the porn star, and she was only a porn star in her home movies. “What about hair?” I asked.
“Red. Like Lula’s, but there was, like, a lot of it, and it was all in waves and curls. Like a red-haired Farrah Fawcett.”
“Joyce Barnhardt,” I said.
“Yeah,” Mooner said.
“You knew it was Joyce?”
“Sure.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You didn’t ask me if I knew her name,” Mooner said.
“Can I hit him now?” Lula wanted to know.
I cut my eyes to her. “You’d hit the brownie maker?”
“Yeah, good point,” Lula said.
“At least we know where Vinnie’s hiding out,” Connie said.
“Yeah, he took off sniffing after Barnhardt,” Lula said. “I’m just surprised he’s still there. Barnhardt uses ’em up and kicks ’em out.”
Joyce Barnhardt is my arch nemesis. I went all through school with Joyce, and she did her best to make my life a misery. In all fairness to Joyce, I wasn’t singled out. Joyce made everyone’s life a misery. She was a fat kid who spit on other people’s food, looked under the stall door in the bathroom, lied, cheated, and bullied. Somewhere in high school, she morphed into a sexual vampire, and eventually she lost weight, bought breasts, inflated her lips, died her hair, and honed her skills as a home wrecker and user to an all-time high. She’s had multiple marriages, each more profitable than the previous, and she’s currently single and hunting. She drives a flashy Corvette and lives in a large house not far from Vinnie.
“Let’s saddle up,” I said to Lula.
“You going to get Vinnie?” she asked.
“Yes. I don’t know why, but I feel compelled to retrieve him.”
“I hear you,” Lula said.
TWENTY-ONE
JOYCE LIVED IN a house that was a cross between Mount Vernon and Tara from Gone with the Wind. Professionally maintained green lawn leading to a monster white colonial with black shutters and a columned entrance. I turned onto Joyce’s street and saw that Vinnie was sitting on the curb in front of the house. He was back to wearing only boxer shorts, and he had a two-day beard.
“That’s disgustin’,” Lula said. “You aren’t gonna let him into this nice car, are you? He’s probably got Barnhardt cooties all over him. Maybe you should strap him to the roof.”
“I haven’t got any bungee cords. He’s going to have to ride inside.”
I stopped and let Vinnie into the Mercedes.
“What took you so long?” he said.
He was in the backseat, and I looked in my rearview mirror and gave him my death stare.
“You got no manners,” Lula said to Vinnie. “I’m gonna have to disinfect my eyes with bleach after seeing you in them shorts. Why are you always just wearing shorts whenever we rescue you?”
“I wasn’t wearing anything when I got kicked out,” Vinnie said. “The neighbors complained, and Joyce threw these shorts out to me. They’re not even mine.”
“Why didn’t you at least call?”
“Hello?” Vinnie said. “Do you see a phone on me?”
“Guess not any of Joyce’s neighbors were gonna open the door to a naked man,” Lula said.
“Only long enough to send the dog out after me,” Vinnie said.
“So why’d Joyce kick you out?” Lula asked.
“She found out I didn’t have any money.”
A half hour later, I was back at the office and Vinnie was inside, staring down at the electric cord running out to Mooner’s RV. “What the hell?”
“He needed juice for the Cosmic Alliance,” Lula said. “Are you gonna put clothes on? I’m gettin’ nauseous lookin’ at your nasty weasel body.”
“My clothes are all in the rolling goof house out there. That guy is a nut. Hasn’t anyone ever told him Hobbits aren’t real?” Vinnie went to his office and looked around. “What happened to my furniture? All I’ve got in here is my desk and a folding chair.”
“We sold it,” Connie said.
“Yeah, we sold everything,” Lula told him. “We sold all the dishes, guns, grills, and jewelry. We even sold the motorcycle.”
“The BMW? Are you shitting me? That was my private motorcycle.”
“Not no more,” Lula said.
“We needed the money to buy back your debt,” I told him. “You’re off the hook with Sunflower and Mickey Gritch.”
Mooner ambled in. “Hey, amigo,” he said to Vinnie. “Welcome back, dude. Long time, no see.”
“Yeah, a lot longer than I wanted. Didn’t you give anybody my note?”
“You didn’t leave a note.”
“Of course I left a note,” Vinnie said. “It was on the table. I couldn’t find any paper, so I wrote it on a
