escort.
Nicholaa barely spoke a word to anyone for the rest of the long day. She kept busy with a frenzy of cleaning. Royce didn't know how to console his wife. When she didn't come to the great hall for dinner, he went up to their room. He found Nicholaa sitting in a chair near the hearth. Without a word, he pulled her up, sat down, and then settled her on his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.
Neither said a word for a long while. Then Royce broke the silence. 'It was difficult for you today.'
She didn't remark on that truth.
'They didn't know how difficult,' he said then. 'I'm proud of you, Nicholaa.'
She closed her eyes and let her head drop onto his shoulder.
'Do you remember my order to you?' he asked.
'Which one?' she asked. 'There were so many.'
He ignored her sarcasm. 'The one about weeping,' he reminded her.
She smiled in spite of her misery. 'Ah, yes, rule number three,' she whispered. 'You told me I couldn't cry.'
He kissed the top of her head. 'I've changed my mind,' he announced in a gruff voice. 'You may weep if you're so inclined.'
It really was ridiculous for him to think that a simple change in orders could bring about her tears. She certainly wasn't going to cry just because he'd told her it was now permissible. Besides, she didn't feel like weeping.
She soaked his tunic through before she finished. Then she started hiccuping. He didn't try to stop her. He just continued to hold her close until she finally quieted down.
'They're good people, Nicholaa.'
'Yes.'
'They will treat Ulric like their own,' Royce remarked.
She nodded. Lord he hated to see her unhappy. 'Nicholaa, you do understand why I let Ulric leave, don't you?'
The worry in his voice was more of a comfort to her than his hug. He did care about her feelings, if only just a little, or he wouldn't have been so eager to make her fully understand his motives.
'You don't want to hurt Thurston because he's my brother, but you knew he'd come back here if Ulric remained. I understand.'
Royce was surprised he felt so relieved. 'I'm not a difficult man to get along with,' he told her.
He fully expected her agreement. He didn't get it. 'Yes, you are difficult,' she countered. 'Where will you send Justin?'
'I'm not sending Justin anywhere.'
'Then Thurston will still come back here. He'll come for Justin.'
'Yes.' He didn't expound on that answer.
Nicholaa leaned away from him. 'Ulric could have stayed…' She stopped when he shook his head. 'I don't understand,' she said.
'Justin's a man, Nicholaa. He can make his own choices. Ulric can't. I couldn't allow him to be caught in a tug-of-war.'
'But Justin's like a child, too,' Nicholaa argued.
'He isn't,' he countered. 'He's weak now, but each day he'll improve, in both mind and body.'
'And if Thurston comes back to get him before this improvement takes place?'
'Justin won't leave with him.'
Royce didn't add that it didn't matter if Justin wanted to go or not. He wouldn't allow her brother to leave until he was strong enough to survive on his own.
'Has he improved since that first day?' she asked, trying to sound only mildly interested.
'Yes.'
'So everything's going according to your plans?'
'Yes.'
She let out a loud sigh. 'Then you don't have to kick Justin anymore?'
Royce smiled. His wife had finally managed to bring up the topic he knew she'd wanted to discuss.
'Answer me, please,' she said. 'Do you still kick Justin?'
There was a noticeable sting in her voice now. Royce ignored it. 'Only when I want to,' he finally answered.
She tried to get off his lap. He held her tight. 'You really shouldn't have watched, you know.'
'Lawrence told you, didn't he?' She sounded indignant.
'My vassal didn't betray you, Nicholaa. It was his duty to tell me. Besides, your expression would have told me anyway.'
'It was my right to watch,' she announced. 'He's my brother.'
'That isn't as important as his relationship to me.'
'He's just your brother-in-law,' she said incredulously.
'He's also my vassal,' he patiently explained. 'That bond is far more important. Surely you understand that.'
She didn't understand anything anymore. Everything had been turned inside out since the Normans started running things. King William had set up a rigid power structure in which everyone in his kingdom had a specific place, a specific duty. Aye, from the lowest serfs to the highest noblemen, everyone had a place. Everyone but Nicholaa… or so she felt in her heart. She didn't fit in to this new scheme of things. She was suddenly so frightened that she actually started shaking. For a long time she'd had many responsibilities, but now Royce was methodically taking those duties away from her. She'd made a vow to protect her family in any way that she could. She had once believed that Ulric and Justin needed her to keep them safe. Now Ulric was gone. Soon Justin would leave, too. When her brother completed his training, he would leave to find his own way in this difficult world. Justin didn't need her even now, she realized. No, he needed Royce to teach him how to be strong again.
No one needed her. The holding belonged to Royce, and so did the servants. They had already given her husband their complete loyalty. It was only right, she told herself, because he was the master of this castle now… but where did that leave her?
Nicholaa couldn't shake the bout of self-pity she seemed to be wallowing in. She let out a sigh, pushed herself off her husband's lap, and prepared for bed. She barely noticed that Royce was undressing, too.
Damn, she hated feeling sorry for herself, but she couldn't seem to stop. She felt empty inside-guilty, too. She'd deliberately trapped Royce into this marriage. He was only making the best of his circumstances.
Nicholaa was standing near the bed, dressed only in her white chemise, her mind filled with chaos, when Royce put his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him. He leaned down to nuzzle the side of her neck.
'Royce, you don't need anyone, do you?'
Since they'd been talking about her brother only minutes before, he misunderstood her question. 'I'm a trainer,' he answered. 'I'm not supposed to need anyone.'
She turned around in his arms, splaying her hands on his bare chest. 'I have a confession to make to you,' she said. 'Will you listen to me?'
Her fingers were making circles around his nipples. He put his hands on top of hers. 'If you want me to listen, you'll have to stop that.'
'This is a serious confession,' she warned him.
He quit smiling. 'All right. I'm listening.'
She turned her gaze to his chin. She didn't want to be distracted. 'When I chose you for my husband, I was thinking only of myself. I was being very selfish. I realize that now. I didn't care if I ruined your life.'
'I would never allow anyone to ruin my life,' he countered.
'But you never would have chosen me,' she rushed out. She put her hand over his mouth to stop him from interrupting her again. 'You probably think I was just getting even with you for taking me to London, and in part, perhaps that was true. But there was much more to my reasons, Royce. You were so gentle with Ulric. I knew you'd be a good father when I saw how you held him and made certain he was protected. You were gentle with me,
