I obediently opened up and took her fingers in, looking into Doc’s dark eyes as I tasted his cum. His gaze filled with lust as he watched me suck her fingers.
“We’re home,” he managed, still breathless.
“I’ll say.” Carrie nuzzled his thigh, her hand moving in my hair.
As soon as we started straightening and tucking, putting clothes back in place, somehow the spell was broken. I rushed into the house before them, heading straight to my room, and pretended to be asleep when Carrie knocked and opened the door to check on me.
I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t. Instead I actually tried to sleep, rolling around on the futon that seemed too hot and small that night. And when I heard her cries and the rhythmic sound of the headboard slapping against the wall, I wanted to go to the door and open it, to slip into their bed and join them.
I rolled and stared up in the darkness. There was a vent, high up near the ceiling.
These were old apartments and I didn't know what kind of heat they had, but the vents were big and wide. I could see light spilling into my room from theirs. No wonder we could hear everything. There was nothing between the walls at all.
I heard every word, every sigh, every moan and thrust. I knew that if I did what I really wanted, if I crept into their bed, they would both welcome me. If I hadn’t known it before that night, I knew it for sure then. But for some reason, I couldn’t. I’d always done what I wanted, had gone against what everyone said I should do, but I couldn’t admit to anyone, even myself, that I wanted this.
Instead of taking my pleasure, I stole it, sliding my hand down under the covers to touch my aching clit in the dark. I closed my eyes and imagined me with them, between them, Doc’s hands, Carrie’s mouth, both of them on me, in me, taking it all. I rubbed myself frantically, throwing my arm over my mouth and moaning into my own elbow to keep them from hearing, knowing they could probably hear me anyway as I thrashed on the bed, my knee hitting the wall as I spread myself wide and thrust up against my hand.
I came when I heard the short, sharp sounds of Carrie’s orgasm and nearly passed out when she cried out my name-and then he did too, as if they were calling me to them through the darkness. But still I denied myself and didn’t go, burying myself under the covers and trying to drown myself in sleep until morning.
Chapter Six
I agreed to meet Mason at Sweetwater. That was my compromise-the Baumgartners insisted that I not see him alone, that it be in a public place. But I wouldn’t let them come in, so they sat in the car parked at the curb, feeding the meter while Mason and I talked.
“Dani, I’m sorry.” Mason didn’t drink coffee so he ordered a Coke, drinking it from the glass. “The things I said…”
I waved his apology away, shaking my head. “Forget it.”
“I’m going to move home after this semester.” He stated this flatly, not looking at me. I’d known, when he asked me to go with him, that he was going to. He did whatever his parents wanted him to do, and this was clearly something they wanted. “I told you, my dad offered me a job. And I’m not really doing much here.”
He looked at me sheepishly and I didn’t deny it. He’d been failing more classes than he passed since Isabella was born. His parents didn’t do anything about it except around report card time. Then they lectured and threatened for a phone call or two-but they still paid the rent and the groceries and put spending money in Mason’s account every month.
“Okay.” I glanced out the window and saw Carrie looking in. I knew she was worried. “That’s fine.”
“The apartment…” He swallowed. “My parents won’t pay for it anymore after Christmas break. We’ll have to move our stuff out.”
I felt my breath go away. It wasn’t the thought of moving out. I’d basically done that already. I could find my own place and get a job to pay for it. That wasn’t the problem. It was Isabella’s room-her things. What was I going to do with those?
I swallowed and lied. “Okay. That’s fine, too. I’m already practically moved out anyway.”
He stared at me. “What?”
“I’m living with the Baumgartners.” I saw the shock and anger on his face and was glad then, that Carrie had insisted on a public meeting. “They think it’s not safe for me, living at the apartment alone.”
“Fuck you, Dani.” Mason’s jaw worked, his eyes flashing. “You know I wouldn’t hurt you on purpose.”
I pushed my full coffee cup away. “Let’s not do this.”
“I just wanted to tell you in person.” He leaned back in his chair and I didn't want to look at him. He was too sad. “I thought we could at least do this thing without fighting.”
“Lots of people have amicable divorces.” I shrugged. “It's the 'in' thing.”
He paled. “No one said anything about a divorce.”
“What do you think we’re doing here? Playing house?” I scoffed.
“Dani, I…” His face fell. I didn't want to see this, do this. I desperately wished I was somewhere else. “I love you. That has to count for something.”
I swallowed and looked out the window. Carrie saw me and waved, but I didn't wave back. When I looked back at Mason, he had tears in his eyes. I thought maybe I could muster a few, just for show, but I think I was all cried out. I'd emptied myself completely after losing Isabella. I just didn't have anything left.
“I love you too.” I said the words. I even meant them. “But we don't work together.
Maybe we never did. Maybe your mother was right-we only got married because I was pregnant, and now that there's not a baby anymore, well, what's the point?”
“We're the point.” He leaned forward, giving in one last college try. “We could have a life together.”
I shook my head. “We want very different things. Don't you see that?”
“What if I came to Italy?”
“Then we'd be unhappy together in Italy.” I smiled at him sadly. “And you don't want to move any further away from your family. You want to move closer, not further.”
He sighed. “Then let's just leave things open.”
“We can't live like that.”
“We have been,” he argued.
“And it's been the year from hell,” I reminded him. “At least for me.”
“Me, too.”
I wanted to touch his hand, to hug him, but I knew it wasn’t the best thing for either of us. “We both need a direction.”
“Can't we go in the same direction?”
“Not anymore.” I grabbed my purse off the back of the chair, slinging it over my shoulder and standing. “I've got to go.”
“So I guess we'll move everything out…?”
“Tell your parents I'll get my stuff out over break.” The thought made me go cold.
“They won't have to pay for me anymore.”
“I wish…” He stood, putting his arms around me, and I let him, trying not to cry.
He didn't have to say it.
“Me too.”
“How did it go?” Carrie turned to me as I got into the backseat-after the other night, it was much safer back there. She looked sympathetic, but she kept casting suspicious glances at Mason. He was still sitting at the table, drinking his Coke.
Doc glanced at me in the rearview mirror. “You don't look so hot.”
“I have to move out of my apartment.”
“Well, we can get the rest of your things.” Carrie sounded relieved. I think the thing she'd been most afraid of
