The Complete Yes Minister

Then we all laughed.

‘By the way,’ I asked, ‘who would have had my job if I’d gone to Brussels?’

‘I’ve no idea,’ said Humphrey.

But Bernard said: ‘Didn’t you tell me it was to be Basil Corbett, Sir Humphrey?’

A bucket of cold water had been thrown over our temporary spirit of bonhomie. Humphrey looked more embarrassed than I’ve ever seen him. No wonder he would have been so sorry to lose me.

I looked at him for confirmation.

‘Basil Corbett?’ I asked.

‘Yes Minister,’ said Sir Humphrey. And he blushed.

¹ A left-wing politician prominent in the 1970s and the early 1980s, a peer’s son educated at Westminster and Oxford, chiefly remembered for his lisp, his staring eyes, and his earnest attempts to disguise his privileged background by drinking mugs of tea in workers’ co-operatives.

² In conversation with the Editors.

³ Basil Corbett.

⁴ Hacker’s driver.

13

The Quality of Life

[Early in September Sir Humphrey Appleby started negotiations with the merchant bank of which Sir Desmond Glazebrook was the Chairman. Sir Desmond had been appointed Chairman of the Co-Partnership Commission in March by Hacker, at Appleby’s instigation, in order to get them both off the hook of the Solihull Report scandal (see here).

In September Sir Humphrey was negotiating for a seat on the board of the bank when he retired three or four years hence. Sir Humphrey Appleby still had not received his G, nor had he sewn up a suitable retirement position for himself. Recent encounters with Sir Arnold Robinson (see Chapter 10) suggested that, although it was not impossible that he would become the next Secretary of the Cabinet, he was probably not the front-runner. He was known to be anti-Europe, so a Director-Generalship in Brussels seemed unlikely to be offered. He was therefore most anxious to ensure the seat on the board of Sir Desmond’s bank – Ed.]

September 14th

Excellent coverage in the press today for my speech on the environment last night.

Headlines in a couple of the quality dailies: HACKER SPEAKS OUT AGAINST TOWER BLOCKS and MINISTER’S COURAGEOUS STAND ON HIGH BUILDINGS, though the latter does make me sound more like Harold Lloyd than a Minister of the Crown. Still, to be called courageous by a newspaper is praise indeed.

But all this coverage in the posh press, though nice, isn’t worth all that much in votes. There was no coverage of my speech in the popular press. It’s weeks since I had my photo in any of the mass-circulation dailies.

So I called in Bill Pritchard, the press officer, and asked his advice. He thought for a moment or two.

‘Well,’ he offered, ‘the papers always like a photograph of a pretty girl.’

Brilliant. I pointed out that, although it may have escaped his notice, I did not qualify on that score. But he went on to suggest that I judge a bathing beauty contest, kiss the winner, that sort of thing. A cheap stunt really, and rather old hat. Besides, if my picture’s going to be in the paper I’d like the readers to look at me.

Then he suggested animals and children. He pointed out that tomorrow’s visit to a City Farm will almost certainly yield good publicity. Apparently it’s to be covered by the Mirror, Mail, Express, Sun, and Today and Nationwide.

This is marvellous. Telly coverage is the best of all, of course. And an innocuous non-controversial venue like a City Farm can’t possibly contain any hidden pitfalls.

Bill told me that Sue Lawley wanted to interview me. And that I was to be photographed with some baby donkeys at the Sun’s special request.

Sometimes I think he’s got no sense at all! Even if the Sun has no ulterior motive (which I doubt) it would be a gift for Private Eye – JAMES HACKER WITH A CROWD OF OTHER DONKEYS or A MEETING OF THE INNER CABINET.

I refused. He offered little pigs instead. I don’t think that my being photographed with a crowd of little pigs is any great improvement! That could give rise to SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH jokes.

I told Bill to pull himself together, and that I’d agree to be photographed with Sue Lawley or a nice woolly lamb. Positively no one else.

[Politicians frequently try to avoid making public appearances that could give rise to jokes at their expense. For instance, when Harold Wilson was PM in the late 1960s some of his advisers suggested that perhaps he shouldn’t go to Fiddler on the Roof as it might encourage jokes about his leadership style. He also avoided going to visit A Month in the Country as it was feared that this would give rise to dangerous speculation that he was going to the country, i. e. calling a general election – Ed.]

At my diary session later this morning Bernard said that Sir Desmond Glazebrook wanted an urgent meeting with me tomorrow. He’s a ridiculous old fool who keeps making speeches against the government. Unfortunately, I appointed him Chairman of the Co-Partnership Commission – I’d had no choice [see Chapter 7 – Ed.].

Glazebrook wants to talk to me about his forthcoming application to add some more storeys to his bank’s proposed new office block.

Clearly he hasn’t read this morning’s papers!

This is just the sort of thing we have to stop. Someone has to speak out to save the environment. I shall do it,