The Complete Yes Minister

So I adopted a brisk tone like the family doctor. ‘What seems to be the trouble?’ I asked in my best bedside manner.

‘Two things,’ she said, ‘both of them rather worrying to the public.’

How dare she speak for the public, who know nothing about any of it? And never will, if I can help it!

She started with the French allegation of BES corruption in getting the Qumrani contract.

‘Absolute nonsense,’ I said categorically. If in doubt, always issue an absolute denial. And if you’re going to lie, then lie with one hundred per cent conviction.

‘But they quoted reports of payments to officials,’ she said.

I pretended to lose my rag. I fixed her with a piercing gaze. ‘This is absolutely typical. A British company slogs its guts out to win orders and create jobs and earn dollars, and what do they get from the media? A smear campaign.’

‘But if they won by bribery . . .’

I talked over her. ‘There is no question of bribery – I have had an internal inquiry and all these so-called payments have been identified.’

‘What as?’ she asked, slightly on the retreat.

Humphrey saw his opportunity to help.

‘Commission fees,’ he said quickly. ‘Administrative overheads.’

He’d given me time to think – ‘Operating costs. Managerial surcharge,’ I added.

Bernard chimed in too. ‘Introduction expenses. Miscellaneous outgoings.’

I thundered on. ‘We have looked into every brown envelope,’ I found myself saying, but changed it to ‘balance sheet’ in the nick of time. ‘And everything is in order.’

‘I see,’ she said. She really didn’t have a leg to stand on. She had no proof at all. She had to believe me. And I’m sure she knew only too well the risk of incurring the wrath of a Minister of the Crown with false allegations and accusations.

[We get the impression that Hacker, like many politicians, had the useful ability to believe that black was white merely because he was saying so – Ed.]

I told her that the allegations she was making were the symptoms of a very sick society for which the media must take their share of the blame. I demanded to know why she wanted to put thousands of British jobs at risk. She had no answer. [Naturally, as she did not want to put thousands of British jobs at risk – Ed.] I told her that I would be calling on the Press Council to censure the press for a disgraceful breach of professional ethics in running the story.

‘Indeed,’ I continued, rather superbly I thought, ‘the Council, and the House of Commons itself must surely be concerned about the standards that have applied in this shameful episode, and pressure will be brought to bear to ensure that this type of gutter press reporting is not repeated.’

She looked stunned. She was completely unprepared for my counter-attack, as I thought she would be.

Nervously she collected herself and asked her second question, with a great deal less confidence, I was pleased to see. ‘This rosewater jar, apparently presented to you in Qumran?’

‘Yes?’ I snapped, belligerently.

‘Well . . .’ she panicked but continued, ‘I saw it in your house actually.’

‘Yes,’ I replied, ‘we’re keeping it there temporarily.’

‘Temporarily?’

‘Oh yes,’ I was doing my ingenuous routine now. ‘It’s very valuable, you see.’

‘But Mrs Hacker said it was an imitation.’

I laughed. ‘Burglars, you silly girl. Burglars! We didn’t want gossip going around. Until we’ve got rid of it.’

Now she was completely confused. ‘Got rid of it?’

‘Of course. I’m presenting it to our local museum when we get back to the constituency on Saturday. Obviously I can’t keep it. Government property, you know.’ And then I came out with my master stroke. ‘Now – what was your question?’

She had nothing else to say. She said it was nothing, it was all right, everything was fine. I charmingly thanked her for dropping in, and ushered her out.

Humphrey was full of admiration.

‘Superb, Minister.’

And Bernard was full of gratitude.

‘Thank you, Minister.’

I told them it was nothing. After all, we have to stick by our friends. Loyalty is a much underrated quality. I told them so.

‘Yes Minister,’ they said, but somehow they didn’t look all that grateful.

¹ Central Office of Information.

² Financial Times.

³ In conversation with the Editors.