It all came to a head today.
Humphrey and I were summoned – together this time – to a meeting at Number Ten. We were ushered into the Cabinet Secretary’s office, where Sir Arnold and Sir Mark sat at the far end of a very long room. I think they were trying to intimidate us. But Humphrey and I are made of sterner stuff.
We greeted them cheerfully, and I sat in one of the armchairs in the conversation area. As a Minister of the Crown they were all my servants (nominally, at least) so they could not insist on a desk-bound interview. At my suggestion they joined me in Sir Arnold’s armchairs. But he opened the batting. ‘Another leak,’ he said. ‘This is extremely serious.’
‘There has indeed been another leak,’ I agreed. ‘I can’t think how it occurred! Our high-cost proposal was all over this morning’s papers.’
Humphrey and I agreed earnestly that this new leak was indeed extremely serious.
‘It is almost approaching a disciplinary level,’ said Sir Arnold.
‘I do agree,’ I said, ‘don’t you, Humphrey?’
He nodded emphatically. ‘Indeed, if only one could find the culprits it would be a most serious matter for them.’
Sir Mark piped up. He said he could help with that. He thought that if he were to use his influence he could achieve a disclosure from
I shook Humphrey up a bit by offering to help further.
‘Are you sure, Minister?’ He sounded a warning note.
‘Oh yes,’ I said. ‘In fact I’m confident that I could find out how the press got hold of the leak about the Prime Minister’s opposition to our original plans. Of course, if it transpires that the PM’s own office leaks, then that would be even more serious than a leak in a cabinet minister’s private office, wouldn’t it? The security implications alone . . .’
I let that threat hang in the air, and sat back.
‘Ah,’ said Sir Mark.
There was a pause while everyone thought and rethought their positions. I felt I had the initiative, so I continued: ‘In fact, perhaps we ought to bring in the police or MI5 – after all, the implications of a leak at Number Ten are really very serious indeed.’
Arnold fought back. ‘Nevertheless, our first priority must be to investigate the original leak.’ He tried to insist.
I contradicted him flatly. ‘No. Our first priority must be to track down the leak involving the PM.’
He really couldn’t argue with that. And he didn’t. He just sat in silence and looked at me. So after a moment, having won the Battle of the Leak Enquiries, I turned to the matter of the Transport Policy.
‘At all events,’ I said, summing up the situation, ‘you will appreciate that the public outcry in response to all these leaks makes it very difficult for me to develop a national transport policy within the DAA.’
Sir Humphrey agreed vigorously. ‘The time is unripe. The climate is unpropitious. The atmosphere is unfavourable.’
‘And,’ I nodded, ‘the only two lines of approach are now blocked.’
Again there was a silence. Again Arnold and Mark stared at me. Then they stared at each other. Defeat stared at them both. Finally Sir Arnold resigned himself to the inevitable.
But he tried to put as good a face on it as he could. He raised the oldest idea as if it were the latest inspiration. ‘I wonder,’ he addressed himself to Sir Mark, ‘if it might not be wiser to take the whole matter back to the Department of Transport?’
I seized on the suggestion. ‘Now that, Arnold,’ I said, flattering him fulsomely, ‘is a brilliant idea.’
‘I wish I’d thought of that,’ said Humphrey wistfully.
So we were all agreed.
But Sir Mark was still worried. ‘There remains the question of the leaks,’ he remarked.
‘Indeed there does,’ I agreed. ‘And in my view we should treat this as a matter of utmost gravity. So I have a proposal.’
‘Indeed?’ enquired Sir Arnold.
‘Will you recommend to the PM,’ I said, in my most judicial voice, ‘that we set up an immediate leak enquiry?’
Sir Arnold, Sir Mark and Sir Humphrey responded in grateful unison. ‘Yes Minister,’ replied the three knights.
1 ‘Beware of Greeks bearing gifts’ is the usual rough translation.
2 London School of Economics.
3 A hole in the head.
4 In conversation with the Editors.
5 Department of Education and Science.
6 Originally said by Frederick the Great, King Frederick II of Prussia.
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