Antony Jay
1
Open Government
Well, perhaps it’s the early hours of Friday, the 23rd now. I am most excited. I have just been returned to Parliament by Birmingham East. And after years in opposition, the party has finally won a general election and we’re back in office.
After the result was announced I went to the celebration do at Alderman Spotteswoode’s1 and saw Robert McKenzie on the telly say: ‘And so Jim Hacker’s back, with an increased majority in his marginal constituency. After many years as a Shadow Minister he seems almost certain to get a Cabinet post in the new government.’
Robin Day seemed doubtful, though. I do hope Bob McKenzie’s right.
I’m still hoping but I wonder if Robin Day knows something that I don’t.
I’ve been sitting by the telephone ever since breakfast. No potential Cabinet Minister ever moves more than twenty feet from the telephone in the twenty-four hours following the appointment of a new Prime Minister. If you haven’t heard within twenty-four hours, you’re not going to be in the Cabinet.
Annie kept me supplied with constant cups of coffee all morning, and when I returned to the armchair next to the phone after lunch she asked me to help do the Brussels sprouts for dinner if I didn’t have anything else to do. I explained to her that I couldn’t because I was waiting for the call.
‘Who from?’ Sometimes Annie really is a bit dense.
The phone rang. I grabbed it. It was Frank Weisel, my special political adviser, saying that he was on his way over. I told Annie, who wasn’t pleased.
‘Why doesn’t he just move in?’ she asked bitterly.
Sometimes I just don’t understand her. I patiently explained to her that, as my political adviser, I depend on Frank more than anyone. ‘Then why don’t you marry
It is awfully difficult for Annie, I know. Being an MP’s wife is a pretty thankless task. But now that I may be a Minister, she’ll at last reap the rewards!
The phone rang all day. Alderman Spotteswoode, the Gas Board, Frank, all sorts of useless people ringing up to congratulate me. ‘On what?’ I said to Annie: ‘Don’t they realise I’m waiting for the call?’
She said, ‘You sound as if you’re about to enter the ministry.’
‘Yes,’ I said, ‘but which ministry, that’s the whole point.’
Suddenly Annie screamed. I couldn’t believe my ears. ‘It was a
‘Are you a bit tense?’ I asked. She screamed again, and threw herself onto the floor. I thought of calling an ambulance, but was worried about the adverse publicity affecting my career at this crucial juncture – NEW MINISTER’S WIFE TAKEN AWAY IN STRAIT-JACKET.
‘Are you a bit tense?’ I asked again. Carefully.
‘No,’ she shouted – ‘No, no, no, I’m not tense. I’m just a politician’s wife. I’m not allowed to have feelings. I’m just a happy carefree politician’s wife.’
So I asked her why she was lying face downwards on the floor. ‘I’m looking for a cigarette. I can’t find any.’
‘Try the cigarette box,’ I advised, trying to keep calm.
‘It’s empty.’
‘Take a Valium.’
‘I can’t find the Valium, that’s why I’m looking for a cigarette. Jim, pop out and get me some.’
I explained to Annie that I simply didn’t dare leave the phone. Annie betrayed her usual total lack of understanding. ‘Look, if the PM wants you to be in the bloody Cabinet, the PM will phone back if you’re out. Or you can phone back.’
Annie will never understand the finer points of politics.
[
By the end of today I’ve heard on the grapevine that Bill’s got Europe. Poor old Europe. Bill can’t speak French or German. He hardly even speaks English, as a matter of fact. Martin’s got the Foreign Office, as expected, Jack’s got Health and Fred’s got Energy.
I told Annie of these appointments, and she asked me if anyone had got Brains. I suppose she means Education.
At last I’m a Cabinet Minister.
