Seattle Noir

Petey runs. He used to jog this trail, back when he lived in a funky apartment on Bowdoin, back before his mind betrayed him, when he had a job and a life.

You still got a life, says Fox, but not if they catch you. Step on it!

You need a bandage, lad. Use your coat.

Petey tears off his jacket and wraps it around his bleeding arm. That helps. He’s still on the trail, which heads down and finally under the bridge.

We need crowds, says Fox. Go left!

Petey turns up Evanston Avenue. The movie stars had stopped for the knife and the book, but he can hear them on his track now.

On the hunt, says Strabo, and sings again.

Oh how will you cut him, said Milder to Moulder

Oh we may not tell you, said Festel to Fose

With knives and with forks, said John the Red Nose

With knives and with forks, said everyone…

The movie stars are gasping. They haven’t run this hill route a thousand times like he has, before the world went to hell.

Petey’s laughing, because this is really happening. There was a goddamned dinosaur made of plants. There really is a giant rocket on top of that building on the corner.

I’m not insane. I’m just in goddamned Fremont.

He dodges a bus on 36th Street and staggers to a halt.

Keep going! yells Fox. What’s wrong with you?

A man stands in front of him, twenty feet tall. The familiar face scowls down from under his cap.

He’s crazy, says Lenin. That’s what’s wrong with him.

Petey can’t move, caught in the big man’s glare.

It’s just freaking Lenin! screams Fox. The statue they brought from Russia! You’ve seen it a thousand times!

Now hold on, says Strabo. It doesn’t make sense, does it? Why would anyone put up a monument to a dead Communist in the middle of this merchant kingdom? No, I’d say the lad is delusional.

Out of his capitalist mind, says Lenin, and somebody hits Petey from behind. He slams into the base of the statue and bangs his head.

He rolls over on the plaza tiles and Widmark lands on top of him. Petey sees the knife going up but his left hand is tangled in his jacket. He can’t stop the blade.

Freeze!

Widmark stops, looks up. He slides off and drops the knife.

Thank god you’re here, officer! This man just confessed to murder.

Get away from him, says the cop, who looks a little like Matt Damon.

It’s true, says Mineo. He told us he killed a woman near the bridge last night.

Damon’s eyes widen. He’s heard about the dead woman.

Is that true?

I didn’t kill anybody, says Petey. They did it. You saw them attack me.

We took the knife away from him, says Widmark.

Ask him why she died, says Mineo.

The cop is frowning, not sure where to point the gun. Why’d she die, sir?

Be silent, boy, says Strabo, but Petey can’t help himself.

She was a spy. For Starbucks.

See? says Mineo.

Petey shakes his head, trying to clear it. They attacked me by the dinosaurs. Then I came up here, past the rocket, and saw Lenin.

Damon nods. You were attacked by a dinosaur and came here by rocket. Was that after you killed the woman?

Dear, dear, says Strabo. The constable’s not from around here.

Damon has his handcuffs in one hand, gun in the other. Put your hands on your… What happened to your arm?

He’s afraid you’ll get his cuffs bloody. Har har.

Your honor, says Strabo, my client pleads not guilty by season of inanity.

Petey falls back on the tiles. He’s crying.

You’re under arrest, says Lenin.

The detective is Bill Cosby, except his hair is gray and he has a thin mustache. He is scowling and Petey figures it is because he’s only a TV star and the movie stars outrank him.

Mr. Gottesman, he says, you say you saw those two men following Ms. Mantello, but you didn’t do anything about it.

I was scared. Did you see him in Night and the City?

Who?

Petey explains about Richard Widmark. Cosby frowns more. Mr. Gottesman, where do you think you are right now?

Petey looks around. I’m sitting at a patio table in a Mexican-style plaza in the middle of Seattle. Dozens of tourists are watching me. I’m handcuffed to an umbrella, staring at Lenin’s giant butt, while a medic patches up my arm and a cop interrogates me. How much of that is real?

Cosby shrugs. All of it.

Petey repeats something Fox had said before disappearing again. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean there aren’t two men chasing you with a knife.

The detective thinks that one over. He looks at the movie stars standing on the other side of the plaza by the taco shop, talking to Matt Damon.

You said Ms. Mantello was a spy for a coffee company.

They told me that.

Cosby sighs.

Okay. Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re still under arrest. We’re gonna take you to the hospital to get that arm looked at. Then I think a judge will order an examination-

No hospitals, says Fox. They wipe your freaking memory there. You know that.

Think, Petey, says Strabo. Make him see the truth and the truth will set us free!

Listen, Bill, says Petey, I followed that woman because she looked like Abby, my ex-wife. I didn’t go near those guys because they scared me. But I didn’t kill her, and when it happened I couldn’t get near them because of the drawbridge.

The drawbridge? She came from Queen Anne?

We all did. But the drawbridge went up-

You didn’t mention that.

Nobody asked, says Petey.

I’m asking now. Tell me the whole route.

Petey does. Cosby nods and stands up.

He calls for Officer Bestock and Damon hurries over.

There’s a bank on Nickerson Avenue and they’ve got a security camera out front. Tell ’em we need the tapes from last night. He looks at the movie stars and raises his voice. If that woman was over there, we’ll know. And if someone was following her, we’ll see who it was.

Mineo starts to cry. Widmark tells him to shut up, but it’s too late.

Cosby turns to Petey. How’d you know my name is Bill?

It’s in the credits.

Petey tells them he has no insurance, which usually saves him from medical care, but this time they insist he’s