traffic. She was being taken somewhere remote. Based on this and the disregard for her safety-a rag stuffed so far down her throat she almost choked-she was certain that she was about to die.
How long had she been a captive? She had no way to know-the passing of time had become difficult to judge. After being snatched from the apartment she’d been drugged. Bundled into the car, she’d seen Raisa fall. That was the last thing she remembered before waking up, her head thumping, her mouth as dry as dust, sprawled on the floor of a windowless brick chamber. Even though she’d been unconscious when she’d been brought in, she’d had an acute sense that she was deep underground. The air was always cool and damp: the bricks never grew warm, giving no clue as to the cycles of day and night. The stench strongly suggested a sewer system. She’d often heard the sound of water. Sometimes the vibrations had been so strong it felt as if there were rivers rushing through adjacent tunnels. She’d been given food and bedding, her captors making no attempt to conceal their identities. They hadn’t spoken to her except for a series of curt commands and questions, showing little interest in her beyond the bare necessities of keeping her alive. Yet from time to time she’d been vaguely aware of someone watching her, hiding in the gloom of the corridor outside her cell. As soon as she moved closer, trying to catch a glimpse of them, they’d slip away into the darkness.
Over these past couple of weeks she’d thought about death, turning the subject over and over like sucking a boiled sweet. What exactly was she living for? She nurtured no dreams of being rescued. The idea of freedom did not bring tears of joy to her eyes. Freedom had been life as an unpopular, unhappy schoolgirl-hated and hateful. She felt no more alone in captivity than she had done in Leo’s home. She felt no more like a prisoner now than she had before. The setting had changed. Her captors had changed. Life was the same. She didn’t cry at the memory of her bedroom, or of a hot meal eaten together around the kitchen table. She didn’t even cry at the memory of her sister. Maybe Elena would be happier without her-maybe she was holding her little sister back, stopping her from leading a normal life and growing close to Leo and Raisa.
Why can’t I cry?
She’d pinch herself. But it was no good. She couldn’t cry.
She hoped Raisa had survived the fall. She hoped Elena was safe. Yet even these hopes, sincere though they were, felt detached, as if they were other people’s ideas of what she should be feeling rather than deeply held emotions. A crucial cog in her internal machinery was missing-instead of connecting emotions to experiences, wheels spun aimlessly. She should be afraid. But instead she felt as if she were floating in a bath of lukewarm resignation. If they wanted to kill her, they could. If they wanted to free her, they could. Bravado aside, it was honestly all the same to her.
The truck turned off the freeway, rattling over a dirt track. After some time, slowing down, it made several further turns before coming to a stop. The front doors opened and shut. Feet crunched across the ground, approaching the back. The tarpaulin was pulled aside. Like freight, Zoya was lifted up and placed on her feet, barely able to stand, the wire lashed around her ankles making it difficult to balance. The ground consisted of coarse mud and small stones. Queasy from the journey, she wondered if she was going to be sick. She didn’t want her captors thinking she was weak and afraid. Her gag was removed. She breathed deeply. A man began to laugh, condescending laughter, smug and deep and slow, as the steel wire was unwound and the blindfold was removed.
Zoya squinted at the daylight that seemed as bright as if she was only a hand’s length away from the surface of the sun. Like a subterranean ghoul caught outside its lair, she turned her back on the sky. Her eyes adjusting, the surroundings slowly came into focus. She was standing on a dirt track. In front of her, on the shoulder, were tiny white flowers, spread unevenly like splashes of spilled milk. Looking up, she saw woodland. Deprived of stimuli, her eyes behaved like a desiccated sponge dropped into water, widening, expanding-absorbing every drop of color before her.
Remembering her captors, she turned around. There were two of them-a squat man with thick arms and a thick neck, an oversized muscular torso. Everything about him was stout and squashed, as though he’d been grown in a box too small. In contrast, standing beside him was a boy, perhaps thirteen or fourteen years old, her age. He was lean and sinewy. His eyes were sly. He regarded her with open disdain, as if she were beneath him, as if he were an adult and she was nothing but a little girl. She disliked him intensely.
The squat man gestured at the trees:
– Walk. Stretch your legs. Fraera doesn’t want you getting weak.
She’d heard that name before- Fraera -catching fragments of conversations when the vory were drunk and boisterous. Fraera was their leader. Zoya had met with her only once. She’d swept into her cell. She hadn’t introduced herself. She didn’t need to. Power hung around her like a robe. While Zoya hadn’t been afraid of the other thuggish men, whose strength could be measured by the thickness of their arms, she had been afraid of this woman. Fraera had studied her with cool calculation, a master craftsman examining the intricacies of a second-rate watch. Though it had been an opportunity to ask the question- what are your plans for me?- Zoya had been unable to speak, stupefied into silence. Fraera had spent no more than a minute in the cell before leaving, having not said a word.
Free to walk, Zoya stepped off the dirt track, entering the woods, her toes sinking into the damp soil and vegetation. Maybe they’d kill her as she walked toward the trees. Maybe the guns were already raised. She glanced back. The man was smoking. The boy was following her every move. Misunderstanding her glance, he called out:
– Run and I’ll catch you.
She prickled at his superior attitude. He shouldn’t be so sure of himself. If there was one thing she could do, it was run.
Twenty paces into the forest, she stopped, pressing her hand against a tree trunk, eager for sensations different from the monotony of cool, damp bricks. Despite being watched she quickly lost her self-consciousness and crouched down, squeezing a fistful of earth. Trickles of dirty water ran down the sides of her hand. As a child brought up on the kolkhoz, she’d worked alongside her parents. From time to time, tending the fields, her father would bend down and take a handful of soil, rubbing it through his fingers, breaking up clods, squeezing the earth as she was squeezing it now. She’d never asked him why. What did it tell him? Or was it just habit? She regretted not finding out. She regretted many things, every wasted second, sulking and playing silly games and not listening when he wanted to talk and misbehaving and causing her parents to lose their tempers. Now they were gone and she would never speak to them again.
Zoya unclenched her fist, hastily brushing the soil off. She didn’t want to remember anymore. If she couldn’t see the point of life, she could certainly see the point of death. Death would mean the end of all these sad memories, the end of regrets. Death would feel less empty than life. She was sure of it. She stood up. These woods were too much like the woods in Kimov, near the kolkhoz. Better the monotony of cool, damp bricks-they reminded her of nothing. She was ready to go.
Zoya turned back to the truck. She jumped, startled to find the squat muscular man standing directly behind her. She hadn’t heard him approach. Looking down at her, he grinned, revealing a mostly toothless smile. He’d tossed a cigarette aside and she watched where it landed, smoldering on the damp ground. He’d already taken off his coat. Now he rolled up his shirtsleeves:
– Fraera’s orders were for you to get some exercise. And you haven’t had any.
He reached out, touching the top of her shirt, running his finger over her face as though wiping away a tear. His nails were coarse, bitten down. He lowered his voice:
– We’re not tamed, like you. We’re not polite, like you. If we want, we take.
Zoya struggled to maintain her brave facade, stepping away as he stepped forward.
– Taking is what we do best. Submission is what young girls do best. You might call it rape. I call it… exercise.
Fear was what this man desired-fear and domination. She would give him nothing:
– If you touch me, I’ll kick you. If you pin me down, I’ll scratch your eyes. If you break my fingers, I’ll bite your face.
The man laughed out loud:
– And how will you do that, little girl, if I knock you unconscious first?
Every step Zoya took, he matched, his wide body caging her, until she was pressed against a tree, unable to move any farther. Out of sight, her hands patted the tree trunk, searching for something she could use to defend herself. Breaking off a small branch, she rubbed her fingertip over the end. It would have to do. She looked to the
