comfortable with all of the acts written there,” the producer said.
As Darcy and Elizabeth read the script, their faces grew redder and redder.
The next day, Darcy was sitting next to Elizabeth, holding her hand under the table. They had spent another steamy night together after their role-play. Now they were gathered with the others at the resort’s ballroom to look at and vote for the clips from the role-plays. Besides the eight participants, some TV crew members had also been asked to be part of the judging panel.
Lady C said, “As you’ll recall, those participants who didn’t have a script for their segments were prompted by our hosts. Even when we gave the participants scripts, some didn’t follow them. There is a score sheet in front of you. Please rate their performances according to how witty, sexy, funny, and entertaining you find the role-plays. First up are Caroline and Collins. Their role-play is entitled ‘Collins Collins Pumpkin Eater.’”
When the film rolled, the audience could see Caroline, wearing a sexy orange bikini, kicking and screaming as she was placed inside a large, semi-transparent orange pumpkin shell. Collins stood to one side, wearing a farmer’s costume. The host for the segment was Wickham.
“Farmer Collins, I’m Reporter Wickham from Agricultural Australia Monthly. I see you have grown a special pumpkin for this year’s Agricultural Show. Indeed, you appear to have made your wife into a pumpkin. Why did you do that?”
“She likes to wander… . She shags with Richard there all the time,” Collins said stiffly.
“What? Why would he mention me there?” Richard protested. “Is he reciting from a script?”
The film rolled on. “What sort of fertilizer do you use to make her grow?” Wickham asked Collins.
“Well…mmm…dog shit, cow manure, mmh…food scraps… You know. The normal sorts of fertilizer,” Collins continued.
“How does she react to such rich fertilizer?”
“She loves it. She has to have it twice a day, every day of the week.”
“No wonder she has grown to such a size. We have some cow manure here. Can you show us how to apply it?”
Wickham handed Collins some dark-looking stuff, which the latter splashed and dumped onto Caroline.
“Stop it! Stop it! This is gross!” Caroline screamed. She was definitely not following a script. Her head and face were marred with the dark-hued shit.
“Miss Pumpkin Caroline, what’s so gross about it?” Wickham asked.
“Get this yucky stuff off of me! Why do I have to partner up with this toad? Why can’t I have a nicer outfit? I’ll sue your pants off, bloody Lady C!”
Lady C interrupted the film and said to the group, “Don’t worry about that last bit. It will be cut out.”
“Interesting! Farmer Collins, your pumpkin can talk back. She called you a toad. Should you do something about her?”
“Yes. This pumpkin is…very annoying. It doesn’t know how to stop talking. Let me try rolling and spinning her around.”
Collins proceeded to rotate the pumpkin with Caroline trapped inside.
“Stop, you toad! I’m going to throw up!” she screamed.
“Farmer Collins, I have heard that, despite your constant arguments with Miss Pumpkin Caroline, you’re in fact very fond of her. Some neighbours tell me that you love your unfaithful wife very much. They saw you pampering her. Can you show us how you do that?”
Wickham handed Collins a broom, which Collins used to brush Caroline from head to toe, mashing the fake manure all over her face. Then a bucket of water and a toilet brush were handed to him. He proceeded to pour the water all over her and brush her down.
“I’m going to kill you…” she threatened shrilly.
Their role-play continued for a few more minutes. At the end, Collins peeled off Caroline’s bulky pumpkin shell to reveal her sexy orange bikini once again. He attempted to give her a few kisses and fondle her a bit, to make the whole role-play sexy, but Caroline was furious. She grabbed the broom and toilet brush and chased Collins around, smashing his head with them.
Nearly all of the people in the studio watching the clip were laughing their heads off. Caroline and Collins were neither looking at nor talking to each other.
Lady C cleared her throat. “Now Charles and Jane, as Wild Tarzan and Jane. The host for this segment is Denny.”
The couple were both in sexy animal costumes. Against a jungle backdrop, Jane appeared to be unconscious. Denny, in an ape costume, pointed to Jane’s body and asked, “Tarzan/Charles, what do we have here?”
“An angel…? No, something like me,” Charles replied.
“Not very alike.”
“How so?”
“This one has two balls here and you don’t.” The ‘ape’ pointed from Jane’s breasts to Charles’s chest and said, “Squeeze them and tell me what they are like.”
Charles’s eyes widened. “Squeeze her breasts in front of …?”
“Why do you call them ‘breasts’?”
“I… heard some other apes say it,” Charles improvised.
“Squeeze!” the ape said, and elbowed Charles.
Charles knelt down near Jane and cupped her breasts lightly, making her moan.
“Oh, it moves. How did the round balls feel? Are they as hard as coconuts?” the ape asked.
“Of course not. They are firm but soft to touch.”
“It seemed to have trouble breathing. You should give it some air.” He elbowed Charles again.
“How?”
Ape/Denny grabbed Charles, kissed him on the mouth, and said, “Like that. Or do you want me to give her air?”
Charles pushed the ape away and bent over Jane to give her a soft kiss on the mouth. She gasped and her eyes opened.
“Well done, Tarzan/Charles.” The ape poked Jane’s shoulder. “What’s your name?”
“Jane.”
“How did you find Tarzan’s mouth?”
“He’s …soft. Quite nice.”
“And how did you feel when he squeezed your breasts?”
“Mmm…nice.”
“Tarzan/Charles, look under her animal-skin skirt and see if she is different below, too,” the ape suggested.
“What? No way!” Charles and Jane protested.
“I’ll look, then, if you don’t.” The ape moved, but Charles stepped protectively between the ape and Jane.
“Oh, you two are so boring!” The ape threw a tantrum. “Entertain me!”
“Why should we? I’m Tarzan. I should be the one commanding in the jungle.”
“So you want me to entertain you with Jane here?” Ape pretended to chase Jane. She squealed.
Charles turned, picked her up and ran. Jane wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.
The role-play neared a close with the ape chasing them into the jungle, through slippery foam. After a few slips and falls, both Tarzan and Jane, soaking wet, looked very sexy. Their performance also made many people in the studio laugh out loud.
“Next we have Richard and Charlotte as Crazy Cop and Innocent Housewife. Their host is Wickham.”
“Officer Richard, who have you got there?” Wickham asked Richard. They were in a holding-cell setting.
“A housewife named Charlotte. A neighbour complained that a ring was missing, and she was caught lurking in the vicinity.”
“Okay, Charlotte, hands on the wall, legs apart. Officer Richard, search her.”
