Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man

Q: Why do some screws have one?slot heads and others have cross?hatched Phillips heads? And who is Phillips, anyway?

A: Never met the guy. But someone told me that his misshapen head comes to a point, but folks don't dare talk about it since the murder-yes, with a screwdriver. Guess he's related to the milk of magnesia family. (What the hell is a magnesia and how do you milk it?) This seems reasonable since you need some milk of magnesia to calm your stomach after spending all day trying to get a Phillipshead screw out of the wall after you've stripped the slots in the first two minutes. And here's some more bad news. Now the hardware stores feature something called the star?pad screw. The screw head is indented in the shape of a five?pointed little twinkler. Now all the manufacturers are using it, which means that five billion screwdrivers are obsolete. Don't you wish you'd thought of that!

Q: What's the weirdest tool you ever bought?

A: Actually, it was a garden shredder. A garden machine, but still a tool, right? It was a major deal. A freight company had to deliver it to my door. A big diesel Kenworth pulled up in front of my house and two burly guys hauled the shredder off the truck. The thing has a twelve?horsepower motor, and is all tricked out. Here's what it does: It grinds up wood right on your property.

Don't laugh. (Okay, my wife did, too.) I just wanted to get rid of all the twigs that had gathered during the year on my little acre?and?a?half I've got a lot of big trees and they're always shedding. The guy made it look so easy on the commercial; his hair never moved. After using the shredder, the young couple on TV put the grounds in a blender and made mulch. They smiled all the while. You're supposed to put it on your junipers and related bushes. Unfortunately, I almost lost a leg trying to start the shredder because it was so powerful. And then it made so much noise just running I thought it was broken. So I got scared. All I could visualize was an index finger getting caught on one twig and then sucking me in like a guy who gets too close to the jet intake on an F?14. My wife told me she wasn't looking forward to tending to my bloody stump just because I wanted to occasionally see the lawn. She also thought I was indulging in a little overkill.

'Aren't you using an atomic bomb to kill a mosquito?' Always so quick with a metaphor. 'Just wrap up the twigs, take them to the street, and let the garbage man pick them up. I'm quite certain he won't break your leg or bloody your body. Better yet, burn them. That means you get to play with fire!' She sure knows how to push my buttons.

It was good advice. Now the shredder is moldering in the shed, right next to the lawn tractor I don't use anymore.

Q: How would you reinvent classic household tools?

A: I'd like to have an upright cordless vacuum cleaner. Also, a washing machine that lets you know when to put in the fabric softener. Not that I've ever vacuumed or done the laundry. I'd do it, though, if they'd design an iron, or a washing machine, or a clothes drier that a man would like. I don't need floral patterns, mushrooms, or birds on everything. I'm not even sure women do.

Q: Can you explain why plugs now have one prong bigger than the others, and can I alter the big one by hand at home and still use it safely?

A: It's all about polarities, to make all current run in the same direction. There's a big danger in alternating current. If you cross too many currents it will short out the whole system-possibly the planet. So they designed the new plugs to keep everything running in the same direction. I'm not sure I believe this, though. In fact, I'd like to know who gave them permission to change the plug, and maybe make one of his nostrils just a little bit bigger than the other.

On three?pronged plugs, the round prong is the ground. The most serious electrical problem in America is having an appliance or a computer with a three?pronged plug and only two?pronged holes to plug it into. Just what are you going to do? Those little gray adapter plugs never stay in the wall. Plus they look ugly. So you go through a big guilt trip wondering if you should cut off the fat bastard.

'Nobody's watching. There's no cops here. What would happen if I just sliced that sucker right off?'

I'd do it, but fm still under the impression that somewhere in your neighborhood's power plant is one gauge designed to monitor this particular problem, that goes like this: 'What th-? Some idiot snipped off that ground plug! All points bulletin. Send a squad car to Allen's house! We'll scare the crap out of him and he'll never do it again.'

Good thing the first offense is only a misdemeanor, though I hear that if you cut off three prongs you're out.

I've never clipped the ears off the big?sided prong. I bought a grinder to do that.

Q: What else would you like to improve around the house besides the plugs?

A: I wish the home's control center was more visible. I want more access to plumbing. And electrical wiring shouldn't be quite so hidden. My house wouldn't be real pleasant to look at; it would seem more like a submarine than a home, but I think there's a way you make the mechanics of the house more functional and still live with it.

I told the guy who's building a house for me my concerns. He said, 'I can make this look like an office building if you want.'

Yeah, that's just what I meant.

Q: You're so manly. What are you really good at around the house?

A: Mostly just hanging pictures. It's good work, a steady job. I use a hammer, and on special occasions a level. It's real exciting.

Q: Do you mind it when complete strangers ask you for home improvement advice?

A: A pilot did once. He knew I was on the flight and he came back to the passenger section from the cockpit. I saw him and my first thought was 'Oh god. Please let the autopilot be on.' Then he stared at me for a few seconds, trying to make up his mind about something, and I thought, 'No, don't let him tell me that there's only one guy aboard who can land this 757, and that would be me.'

Finally, he sat down, and from the corner of his mouth he said, 'If my stucco went all the way down to the foundation and I was getting a leak, would I. .' I cut him off. Then I said, 'What would you do?' Letting him figure things out for himself was my best option since I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

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When it comes to more power, you can always find it on late?night infomercials. And it's always something we've never heard about before in America but is supposed to be really huge in Europe.

If it's so great, why haven't we heard of it? And how come they're reduced to selling it with infomercials? How come the retail stores aren't lining up to get their hands on the newest miracle product? Is the phrase 'not available in stores' something that is supposed to entice me? Is it better if it's available on the street corner? How come I'm supposed to always beware of imitations? How come they're always limited time offers? No wonder I have anxious bowel syndrome.

This reminds of the Psychic Hot Line, also advertised via infomercial. 'Want to know the future, call the hot line. Your own personal psychic is waiting for your call.' Yeah, right. When I call, I never tell them my name. Let them tell me! Most infomercials rely on the Boxcar Willie syndrome. He's huge in Europe but no one's ever heard of him here. I don't even know who he is! But if all of Europe (and remember, Hungary and Bulgaria are also part of Europe) is wild about a car wax that protects your car's finish so well that you can light a fire on the hood and leave no marks, you've got to wonder if we've even been talking to Europe lately. Phone lines down? Have we not communicated with these people for months at a time?

Here's what I think. In Europe, the infomercials say the product is bigger than Moses in America. And the truth is that we have warehouses full of some crap we bought in Taiwan and can't get rid of.

The last time I bought anything by mail was from the Sears catalog. I could trust them. But now the catalog is gone. Too bad, since they had everything in there, including beekeeping equipment. Sounds just like a company that kept good tabs on their customers' needs.

Actually, I did buy one tool from a TV ad. I've never taken it out of the box, though. So does that count? From what I could see on the infomercial, the thing is a wonderful tool, so practical it has a thousand and one uses-but I've never been able to get it out of the box. Guess I need one of those tools to help. I hear it gets into tight places that no screwdriver could ever fit.

My favorite is the magical lubricant that the hucksters spray on the sparkplugs and distributor cap of a