Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man

running engine. Then they turn a fire hose on the engine. Most engines will stop dead if you drive through a puddle fast enough. But this thing just kept running.

How come we don't know about this? Has anybody told the drivers at Indy? Hell, I'm going to call NASA myself.

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Real men get really dirty, and they need something strong to clean up with. I like Lava soap, the soap for men. Lava can wash those grease?stained palms and hairy arms and filthy fingernails. There's also Go?Jo, that cream auto mechanics use. Wipe it on-you don't need water-and wipe it off with a rag. I think it works by removing the top layer of skin. Yet it's easy on your hands because it's made with lanolin. I know lanolin comes from sheep. (Do sheep know lanolin comes from sheep?) I think Go?Jo, is made from the whole animal ground up. It's full of oil and it's got a really bad odor. But it works, and with an ounce of imagination, it makes you feel like a real mechanic. Go?Jo will take off anything, including chrome. It also works wonders making French fries.

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Jerky, from a cow, a buffalo, even a turkey, is nature's most perfect food. Beef jerky is a grown?up's V?8 juice. It makes you feel like a real cowboy. I reach for my jerky when I want something not sweet but substantial. Which reminds me of a story.

I once met a guy in a club in Texas who had shot a boar. Shooting it was illegal, but he said it had come after his dog. It was probably more like 'Honey, let the dog out now, okay?'

Once it was good and dead, he brought the boar to the club, wrapped in towels. Why he'd want to use his wife's nice red towels to wrap a boar, I don't know, but from the look on his face when he slapped it down on the table, it was clear that if I didn't eat some, he'd think I was a puss, and he'd slap me. 'You want a bite of it now? It's a fine taste.'

'Uh-yeah. Sure.'

And I ate it. It was possibly the finest taste I'd ever had in my life. I was rolling it around in my mouth when he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'You don't think I'd bullshit an entertainer, do you?'

My first thought was that he was just waiting for me to fall to the ground and hold my stomach so that he could say, 'I hate guys like you.'

And now excuse me a second.

'Honey, let the dog out now.'

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The Victoria's Secret catalog is one of the finest modern?day examples of men's stuff. Why some people think it's women's stuff, I don't know.

Men are very different around women than they are around themselves. Imagine four guys-with their wives- looking at the Victoria's Secret catalog.

'That would look good on you, honey.'

'That's a nice uh. . what do you call that thing?'

'A camisole.'

'Yeah. Yeah. It's you, honey. How about if we order that?'

'How sweet! Give me your credit card.'

Now: four guys by themselves:

'Wow. What I could do with her.'

'Wish my wife looked like that.'

'That bustier is tighter than my. . oh, oh, here come the girls. Honey, hi. Isn't this a great look?'

'Just give me your credit card and I won't say another thing.' The Victoria's Secret catalog revolution happened quickly and quietly. It just took off. No Morality First groups complained about its being too sexy or pornographic like some other magazines. It goes through the U.S. mails without a hassle. Every guy knows the models' names by heart. This is one reason that men, no matter how much they hate shopping with their wives or girlfriends, are always willing to make an exception and stop by the Victoria's Secret store at the mall. Never seem to feel sleepy there.

You never know when Jill Goodacre will pop by.

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If men have tools, so do women.

Women as a rule have different priorities. Their tools come in a cosmetics box, which is just a fishing?tackle box, only for women. Operating on the 'real men don't ever look in a woman's purse' principle, I've never snuck at peek in a woman's cosmetic kit. I'm afraid of what I'd find. Shampoo, combs, and brushes are no big deal, but what's that scissor thing with a half moon of foam on it. I've seen one lying around, but I still can't figure out what it's for. Taking the eyeball out and dusting or something? Don't fiddle with women's stuff when they're not around, either.

'What happened to my eyeliner pencil? Did you touch it?'

'Ohhh. The phone rang, I couldn't find anything else to write with. It's just a pencil, I'll go replace it.' Thirty?eight bucks and a decent command of the French language later. .

Epilady is a woman's tool that has always confused me. The only thing louder than that machine is her screams as it rips the hair from her body. It was the most returned gift ever at Kmart. And they took it back, though they don't generally take personal hygiene products back-for good reason. But women had no idea how rough the Epilady was. And when they found out, and tried to give it to their husbands, there were no takers.

'No thanks. I'd rather not rip the hair off my face. I'm going to need it again tomorrow.'

Note: Don't put women's underwear on your head and run around making faces. If you must experiment, try it when she's gone. You can look in the mirror longer, and you're much freer to express yourself. I recommend her bikini briefs, ears through the holes, and going nuts to the Tijuana Brass Whipped Cream on Top album. You know the green cover with that naked girl hidden by Reddi Wip? Oh, and for god's sake be sure to pull the shades. Wow. I was just making that stuff up. You didn't think that I. . I was just saying that. I don't do that. Unless you do that. Do you do that? If you do that, then I may have done that once-or twice. Unless you haven't. Then I was just kidding.

Women use stuff like concealer powder. Lamb placenta. Lamb placenta from Estee goddamn Lauder. I'm guessing it's lamb placenta from a lamb, but they know best.

'It's from Europe!'

'Yeah. I'll bet it's the rage in Bulgaria.' Now there's an attractive bunch of women.

I can't buy my wife anything without gems in it anymore. Often she tells me to buy her stuff that I'd want to see.

'We've been married for years. Just use your instinct.'

So I bought her a bench grinder. That pissed her off.

'Well, if you're not going to use it, I'll just store it in my shop.' I wanted to smooth things over, so I got her a scissors sharpener from QVC: 'It eliminates the worry of sharpening scissors at home!' When I heard that, I was half drunk with anticipation. My Visa card was so excited it dialed the 800 number itself. Now that I can sharpen all my scissors, I'll save all that time. I'd forgotten that I'd never sharpened a pair in my life! I've got the same bent?up pair I had in high school. When I was little, my mom had some good scissors in a little velvet case, in the safe?deposit box. She put them there after I tried to use them to trim my little brother's ear lobes. She caught me and screamed: 'Don't touch the good scissors for god's sake. They're from Europe!'

Some people think a vibrator is the ultimate women's tool. Not me. I think women would rather have lipstick than a vibrator. Lipstick makes them look pretty. A vibrator just makes them look scary. I'm a little suspicious of those neck vibrators and body massagers I see in the gift catalogs. Why do they list them by inches: seven, nine, eleven. Isn't that just a little odd? Even so, I've never heard of a big run on vibrators. But a new shade of lipstick, with a $30 'free' makeup?kit gift with purchases of $6,000 or more. This is what women want. A tip: Stay away from department stores during cosmetic specials. It would hurt less to be run over by a buffalo stampede.

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I once went to Sears to buy a workbench. I thought it was about time. Sears had a sale on. It came in a big, big box and there was some assembly required. There were instructions, but I didn't need those. Hey, I'm a guy;