Phoned W, told him in no uncertain terms there will be no detente.
‘You committed vicious and unpardonable acts. Now you'll pay the piper. And be very careful how you retaliate, W. Go too far and some of Jack's friends might… well, you know how they handle things. Also I know what you've been doing on the side, your venomous little schemes. Say one nasty word about me that'll hurt my case with Andy, and, I promise you, all that will come out.’
I hung up before he could reply. The old left eyeball must have been twitching up a storm.
Phoned Jack, thanked him for last night, told him T wants out of the Steadman deal, so if he's going to make a move on them it should be soon. He said he understood and will make arrangements. ‘When am I going to see you again?’ he asked. I told him I'll be busy the next few days, but maybe Sunday night.
Phoned R, left a message on his machine, said I won't be coming in tomorrow or for that matter ever again unless we can resolve the tensions between us. Told him I'll be in room 201 at the F at three tomorrow afternoon, that I'm inviting him to join me there, that he can come or not as he pleases, but whatever his decision to please not call to discuss the matter as I won't be taking calls.
Phoned Hansen, told him I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to combat A's custody claims. ‘Tell his attorney my most vital interests are at stake. Tell him I have knowledge of things that could be ruinous to A, certain sexual episodes and peccadilloes. Tell him that though it isn't my style to stoop so low, the stakes are so high for me that if he doesn't withdraw his claim he can expect a no-holds-barred battle to the death.’
Saying that felt good!
Having completed a good day's work in just half an hour, I treated myself to a two-hour canter through Maple Hills, showered, then drove over to the club, where I played a fierce singles match with Tess.
After I lost the first set, quite a crowd gathered, all the girls eager to see nasty Barb dethroned. Somehow I managed to pull it out, 3-6, 6-4, 6-4. Afterwards, Tess and I hugged to great applause. She whispered, ‘Will you be my doubles partner if I dump Elaine?’ ‘Great idea! Give me the weekend to get rid of Jane. Then it's you and me all the way to club finals!’ She kissed my sweaty cheek. ‘I'm thrilled. I've had a crush on you for years!’
God! Well, I guess that'll be interesting – if we ever get around to consummating it!
Certain sexual episodes and peccadilloes! Does this mean Waldo was telling the truth when he told the cops Barbara had been looking for proof Andrew was fooling around with men?
I hold my breath before reading on, for the next entry concerns Wednesday, August 20, one week to the day before the slaughter and the second Wednesday in a row that Dad cancelled his afternoon appointments:
Wednesday
R arrived precisely on time. I opened the door wearing a robe.
‘You came.’
‘Not for the reason you think.’
‘I didn't ask you here for that reason.’
‘I find that laughable.’
‘Then go ahead – laugh!’
‘We're not going to make love.’
‘I know that, I'm not a fool.’
‘Then why-?’
‘Why did I summon you? Because it was necessary that you come. Otherwise all our ‘assumptions’ are just so much garbage.’
‘You play a dangerous game, Mrs. F.’
‘Now you're back to calling me Mrs. F.’
‘Now you're back to calling me “Mrs. F”? Isn't professionality kind of silly here in this sleazy motel room where I regularly have sex with your namesake?’
Finally, he smiled. I invited him to sit on the bed.
‘Don't worry, I won't attack you. Please make yourself comfortable so we can talk.’
I told him I didn't think formal analysis was working for me, that I needed something more warm-blooded, something that will make me feel as though I'm connecting with a real human being. I told him how much I've been moved when he's shown concern for me, and how awful I feel when he coldly applies more formal methods. I told him that if he can't modify his treatment I'll have to quit therapy, and that I don't want to do that because I desperately need his help.
‘But real help,' I told him. ‘Compassionate help. And no more games.’
I told him I feel he's played me as much as I've played him, that his counter-seductions are seductions in themselves, and that I feel he shares as much of the blame as I for what's gone wrong between us.
I told him: ‘When you told me I should assume we've made love, assume my seduction of you has been successful, and that I should share my sexual fantasies about you, you show me the weakness at the core of your cool stance. I can't abide that pose. I need a friend, a brilliant friend who can really help me – because I need help, tons of it. This is why I invited you to this sordid place, to tell you all this so we can decide where we go from here. I couldn't tell you any of this from the couch in your office. Maybe that's part of my neurosis, that I needed to tell it to you here in this awful room face to face.’
I started to cry. I sobbed. He moved to me, held me in his arms. Then I could feel him sobbing, too. We wept together.
‘I care for you,’ he told me.
‘I know you do. Please know I feel the same way.’
‘But it's impossible. You understand?’
‘Yes. But maybe that's the best part of it somehow.’
We hugged each other, wept upon each other, and I felt so close to him then, so fine and close. It was the most moving experience I've had in a long time. And the strangest part was I hadn't planned it this way. I told him that, too.’
‘Truth is I don't know what was in my mind when I asked you here. I didn't know myself till I opened the door and saw you standing there so fearful and grave.’
‘This is wrong yet it feels so right. That's what I don't understand.’
‘Don't' try to understand it, Doctor,’ I urged. ‘Just keep feeling it the way we're doing.’
And at that we hugged and sobbed some more.
When we finally let each other go, our eyes clear and smiles on our lips, he said he owed me an apology. I told him he didn't, but he insisted.
‘When you first came to me, I recognized you were an extraordinary woman, but then I got bogged down thinking of you as a fascinating case rather than as a deeply troubled person in need of help. I thought too much about how I was going to write up your case, well-disguised of course, and that led me astray. I forgot that I'm a healer first of all, that feelings and compassion are my most effective tools, not theory and technique. I put personal ambition ahead of my oath to heal. I want you to know I'm not going to write up your case, rather I'm going to put all my efforts into working with you to solve your dream and free you of its tyranny.’
I told him that hearing that from him was more that I could have wished for. I told him I was so glad he held me and allowed me to hold him. ‘I needed to touch you,’ I said. ‘Sex is for pleasure, but I think to hold each other like we just have is deeper and better. Thanks so much for coming today.’
‘And will you come to me Friday at the usual time?’
‘Oh, yes, Doctor – you can be sure!’
We laughed, stood, embraced again. Then he left, and I lay down and cried by myself. I felt so moved by what had happened, the strangeness of it. Perhaps, I thought, there is some hope for me yet. And now I know the next right thing for me to do is to set T free as gently as I can.
As I put the diary down, all sorts of feelings flood in. First, pride in Dad that he didn't give in to his lust, didn't make love to his patient, rather discovered a truth in his experience with her that seriously altered his approach to his work. Second, enormous admiration for Barbara, her vulnerability and also her restraint. When the chips were down, she stopped playing power games and gave into the decent impulses that had always flowed beneath the hard surface she showed the world. Yes, I feel proud of them both.
In this passage, I see each of them reaching for redemption and attaining it. And I think: It must have been the kind of expression on Dad's face, engendered by his strange meeting with Barbara that afternoon, that Kate Evans saw when he left the room and came down the stairs and their eyes met as she viewed him from the pool.
