The Midwife's Confession

one hand to the other. “You’re Miss Popularity, but your grades suck, am I right?” he asked.

“Go to hell.” Jenny laughed. “I could get in if you could.”

“I had a 5.2 GPA,” he said.

“You’re half-black,” Jenny said. “That’s why you got in.”

I kicked her leg with my bare foot. “You’re so rude,” I said. It was practically the first words I’d said since we’d come upstairs. Why did I feel so stupidly shy around him all of a sudden?

Cleve grinned. “It probably didn’t hurt,” he admitted.

“I have time to figure it out,” Jenny said. “All I know is I want to go into a helping profession.”

“What the hell is a helping profession?” Cleve asked. “You mean like a nurse?”

“Or a doctor, you sexist asshole.” Jenny laughed again. They’d always talked this way to each other. “Or a teacher or a counselor. Something that helps people, unlike architecture that only helps buildings.”

“God, you are ignorant,” Cleve said. “Who do you think lives and works in buildings?”

I was watching his hands as he tossed the pacifier from one to the other. I knew how it would feel to have him slide those hands up my thighs and under my skirt. Seriously, if Jenny hadn’t been there I would have stood and unzipped my dress and been all over him. Well, maybe not. But that’s what I wanted.

“At least Grace has some ambition.” Cleve caught me totally off guard by mentioning my name. “How many people do you know who can write as well as she can?”

“Yeah, but it’s hard to make money writing,” Jenny said.

“Hard but not impossible. And she’d be doing something she loves and that’s what matters.” They were talking about me like I wasn’t there, but I didn’t care. He was smiling at me. A really good smile. He’s still into me, I thought. I wanted Jenny to disappear. I could talk to him much more easily if it was just the two of us.

Cleve tossed the pacifier high in the air with one hand and caught it with the other. “Let’s go to the park,” he said, standing.

Yes, the park! We’d spent so many evenings there. We’d had sex there for the first time the night before he broke up with me. I’d always worried there’d been some connection between the two things: sex and the breakup.

“That’d be cool.” Jenny got to her feet.

“I’ll catch up,” he said, heading for the hallway. I guessed he wanted to use the bathroom. I grabbed Jenny’s arm before we started down the stairs.

“Could you stay here, Jen?” I asked. “Please? I’m sorry. I just need to talk to him alone.”

She looked surprised, but only for a second. “No prob,” she said. “I feel like crap, anyway. Tell him my mom asked me to help with something.”

“You’re the best,” I said, hugging her.

“Just—” she wrinkled her nose “—don’t get hurt, okay?”

I was already halfway down the stairs. “I won’t,” I said. The thought of getting hurt wasn’t even on my radar.

I waited for him on the front lawn and saw him walking down the driveway. He’d come out the back door, probably to avoid all the people in the living room.

“Jenny’s got to help Emerson,” I said when he was close enough to hear.

“Cool,” he said, but I could tell by the way he said it that he meant “okay,” not “that’s great.” We headed toward the park, walking in and out of the pools of light from the streetlamps. “Jenny should probably be with us, though,” he said after a minute. “Why?”

“Just…not a good idea for you and me to be alone together.”

I laughed. “You think we need a chaperone?”

“Actually, yeah. Especially with how hot you look tonight.”

Oh, God. “Thanks,” I said.

“Seriously. I was looking at you tonight thinking what an asshole I was for breaking up with you.”

Did he want to get back together? I nearly asked him, but I was afraid of pushing my luck. “Yeah,” I said. “You were.”

“It was the right move, though, Grace,” he said. “I mean, you look amazing tonight, but I’d only hurt you if we got back together. I’m three hours away and I want to be able to get to know people without feeling guilty about it.”

“Other girls, you mean.” We’d had this conversation before.

“Girls. Guys. New people.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I just need to be free for now.”

“I know all this,” I said. “Let’s not talk about it.” Talking about it now only reminded me of how much it hurt when we discussed it the first time. “I get it. We don’t need to go all over it again.”

“Good,” he said. Neither of us said anything for a couple of minutes. We’d gotten to the park entrance and headed toward the playground as if we were on autopilot. I was honestly having trouble thinking of things to say to him that had nothing to do with us getting back together. Before everything fell apart, I could talk to him pretty easily and now I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to him that wouldn’t end up with me crying.

He sat down on one of the swings, and I took off my shoes and sat on the swing closest to him. “I didn’t care if we had to be long distance,” I said before I could stop myself.