The Midwife's Confession

“Grace,” he said, “don’t start.”

“You could even go out with other girls, as long as you didn’t…you know. I know you need to make friends and stuff.”

“Look,” he said, “who knows what’ll happen in the future? But for now, we really need to experience the rest of the world. Both of us. Until we get to know lots of other people, how can we ever know who’s the right one for us?”

I was speed-reading between the lines. I heard him say, You’re the one I want, but I need to be able to say I’ve gone out with other girls so when I come back to you, I know for sure.

Neither of us was swinging on the swings. We were just holding the chains, pushing ourselves around a little with our feet in the sandy pit beneath us. Suddenly, I couldn’t stand the physical distance between us any longer. I stood and walked over to his swing. I knew how to do this. I knew how to change everything in less than a minute. I held on to the chains right above his hands and leaned forward to kiss him. He didn’t resist at all. I knew he wouldn’t, and when I finally lifted my lips from his, it was only to reach down and touch his hard penis through his pants. He caught my hand, more to hold it there than to pull it away. But I stepped back, hiked up my dress and slipped my thumbs under the top of my panties.

“Oh, Gracie, don’t,” he said, but he didn’t mean it, and when I climbed onto the seat—onto him—he was every bit as lost as I was.

38

Grace

“I don’t want to go to church today,” I told my mother as we ate breakfast the morning after the party. At least, she was eating breakfast. Oatmeal and bananas. I was too wired to eat the toast on my plate.

“Oh, come with me, honey,” she said. “I have a solo today.” She was already in her church clothes—tan pants, white blouse, blue jacket with white-and-blue-checked scarf around her neck. I was still in my pajama bottoms and T-shirt.

“I’m really tired,” I said. “I just want to stay home, okay?” She looked disappointed—maybe even hurt—but I never really liked going to church. I hated afterward when you were supposed to stand around and talk to people. Of course, that was Mom’s favorite part. The only thing that made it okay was that Jenny was usually there. I was sure she’d be staying home today because she was sick, plus I needed to wait for Cleve to call. I wanted to get together with him before he left. Even though it was a three-day weekend, his friend needed to go back tonight and Cleve had no other ride, so he was stuck.

I’d called Jenny late last night to tell her how great things went with him.

“Are you back together?” she’d asked. Her voice was so hoarse I could hardly hear her.

“We didn’t specifically get into that,” I’d said. Last night had been about action, not conversation. I smiled now as I nibbled the corner of my toast, remembering my mother’s words from a couple of weeks earlier: you need to take action. Well, Mom, I did and you were right.

Omigod, it had been so good! Cleve kept saying, “Holy shit!” after it was over. He was holding me and kissing my hair and it was just the most amazing night.

“How did it go with Cleve last night?” my mother asked, and I jerked my head up. It was like she was able to hear my thoughts. What did she know?

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Just…seeing him.” She sipped her coffee. “I worried it’d be hard for you.”

“It was no big deal,” I said. “We’re good.”

She was looking at me like she wasn’t sure she believed me, and I stood to carry my plate to the counter and get away from her eyes.

“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” she said. “What did you think of the party?”

“It was nice.” I threw my toast in the trash beneath the sink.

“I still feel bad about the travel mug, Gracie,” she said.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I wasn’t ready to let her off the hook on that one.

She stood and looked at her watch. I couldn’t wait for her to leave. I was worried Cleve would call while she was still home. My phone was on the counter and I kept looking at the display, waiting for it to light up.

“I have a meeting with the choir committee late this afternoon,” she said. “We’re meeting at Port City Java to plan the music for the rest of the year. Do you want to come? You could do your homework there and then we could grab something to eat.”

I didn’t understand how she could even look at Port City Java when that was the last place my dad had ever been. “No, thanks,” I said. “I’m probably just going to hang out with Jenny.” I rinsed my hands and reached for a paper towel. I couldn’t tell her I’d be hanging out with Cleve. That would start a whole new bunch of questions.

“Could you clean your bathroom, please?” she said as she headed for the door. “It’s looking pretty bad.”

“All right,” I said. I just wanted her to go.

At ten-thirty, I carried my phone to the living room and laid down on the sofa. He should be up by now. I texted, U up yet?

A few seconds later, he replied. On my way to CH.

What? I sat up, staring at the words. U said tonite! I typed, then waited, my fingers gripping the phone.

Friend needed go back early. Sorry.

I stared at the display. Screw texting! I dialed his number.

“Hey,” he said when he picked up.

“I can’t believe you just left without letting me know!” I said.

“Listen, Grace,” he said. “I’m sorry about last night.”