The Midwife's Confession

“I remember Lily so well,” I said. “I remember her like someone painted her in my brain, and I don’t picture her growing up looking like this girl. And yet—”

“I want to meet her!”

“Are you sure? It’s going to seem weird, Haley. And you don’t know if she’s your sister or not. You have to keep that in mind. Not get your hopes up.”

“I definitely want to meet her. I’ve wanted to meet her my whole life.”

“But she might not be—”

“I want her to be Lily so much!” she said.

I remembered when she was diagnosed with leukemia this time, she told me she wished I had Lily so I wouldn’t be alone if she died. I’d been touched by her bravery. Her generosity. Yet I didn’t want her to feel that way. Not at all.

I reached for her foot where it was covered by the blanket. “You know that no one can ever, ever take your place, right?” I asked.

“Let me meet her, Mom,” she pleaded, shooing me away from her bed with her hands. “Go get her before she disappears again.”

51

Grace

I folded my hands in my lap and sat very still. As freaked out as I was about what might happen next, it was my mother who kept popping into my mind. When would she have figured out I was gone? When would she figure out I wasn’t in Chapel Hill? She would be so worried. She’d call Emerson then, maybe, and Emerson would tell her that I wasn’t really her daughter. My chest hurt just thinking about it and I pressed my hands together hard. My mother would feel totally alone then. No husband. No daughter. She’d think about her real baby, the one who died, and wonder how amazing that baby would have turned out. Probably brilliant, like her dad, and a bubbly social butterfly like her mom. Nothing like the girl they’d ended up with.

But my mother loved me and, right then, I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be able to let her know I was okay, but that I needed to work something out on my own. I was afraid to call her, though. I was going to be in so much trouble.

This Anna woman was cold. I’d expected something totally different. I’d expected her eyes to light up with joy when she heard who I was. I’d expected her to pull me into her arms and be filled with the kind of instant love all mothers had for their children. There’d been none of that. She was suspicious of me and all she really cared about was her other daughter, Haley. I was falling through the cracks between two worlds. My real mother—Anna—had long ago given me up for dead and focused all her love on her other daughter, while the mother who raised me was by now probably grieving for the baby she’d lost.

Mom. Why did I always push her away? She was worried about me. I knew that. She’d be seriously freaking out right now.

I pulled the phone from my backpack and dialed her number. It rang a couple of times before she picked up.

“Hello?” she said, and I could tell with that one word that she was a mess.

“It’s me,” I said.

“Grace! Grace! Where are you? Are you okay? Where are you calling from? You left your phone—”

“I’m okay,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know that. I have to do something and then I’ll—”

“Are you at Children’s Hospital?”

I didn’t know what to say. How could she know that?

“I’m on my way there with Emerson and Jenny,” she said. “Is that where you are? I love you, Grace. I love you so much. I’ve been so scared, honey.”

“Mom. You don’t have to come here. I’m—” I looked up to see Anna standing in the doorway. “I have to go,” I said, and flipped the phone closed.

“Was that your mother?” Anna asked. “You spoke with her?”

I nodded. The phone rang and I dropped it into my backpack.

“You don’t want to get that?” Anna asked.

I shook my head.

Anna smiled at me. She did have a really nice smile. “Haley would like to meet you, if you’re willing,” she said.

I stood. Anna put an arm around me as we walked into the hall. It felt like the arm of a stranger. She rested it lightly on my back, the way you’d guide someone you didn’t know well from one room to another. My mother’s voice echoed in my ears. I love you, Grace. I love you so much. I smiled a little to myself.

“My mother said she’s coming here,” I said.

“Oh, that’s very good,” Anna said. “We need to get some things straightened out, don’t we? How far away is she?”

“She’s in Wilmington…except she said she was already on her way, so I don’t know how close she is. My best friend and her mother are with her.” I pictured the three of them driving together.

“Here we are,” Anna said. We were back at the door to Haley’s room. “Come on in.”

I followed her into the room and stood just inside the door.

“Haley, this is Grace,” Anna said. “Grace, this is Haley.”

Haley was sitting cross-legged on the bed and she was hooked up to a bunch of bags and poles and wires. She had very short brown hair that had either been shaved that way or was just growing in.