The Midwife's Confession

“I’ve been there the whole time,” I said.

“What’s your life been like?” Haley asked.

“My life’s been…” I had to stop and think, the question catching me off guard. I thought of my house, always obsessively neat with the exception of my room. I thought of how Jenny and I redecorated our bedrooms during the summer, filling them with color and polka dots as we talked about Cleve and Devon and laughed our butts off. I thought of how Daddy and I would invent elaborate coffee drinks together. I remembered how people brought us food for weeks after he died. With an ache in my heart, I thought of how my mother always planned my birthday parties down to the color of the sprinkles on the cake. That’s the way she shows her love, Gracie. I thought of growing up with Jenny and Emerson and Ted and even Noelle as my extended family. Of Wilmington and everything I loved about it, from the Spanish moss hanging on the live oaks to the Riverwalk to the little park in my neighborhood. And suddenly, I couldn’t imagine my life without all of that. All of the good and the bad that made up my existence. It seemed so wrong to be glad that Noelle had stolen me, yet in that moment, I was glad.

How could I possibly explain all that to someone who didn’t know all the people and places in my world? “My life’s been, you know, the usual,” I said weakly. “Some good and some bad.”

“I hope you’ll get tested,” Haley said. “I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to be, though. I mean, you just show up and meet your real family and they all grab you and go after your body parts.” She laughed and I wrapped the blanket even more tightly around myself.

“Your mother said just a cheek swab or something like that,” I said.

“Right. First it’s only the cheek. Then if you match up with your cheek cells, they look at your blood. And then if that’s a match, you have to have surgery to remove some of your bone marrow, but I don’t think it’s all that bad. Not as bad as what they’ll put me through. They’ll do chemo and radiation to kill off my whole immune system so I don’t reject the bone marrow. But it’s, like, my only chance.”

I thought of my father and the way I’d felt when I learned he died—how it seemed like there should have been something I could do to bring him back to us, if only I could think of what it was. I thought of the email I’d mistakenly sent to Noelle that might have caused her to take her life. This time, maybe there was something I could do to save someone. Something hard and horrible, but good and right. It would mean needles and scalpels and probably staying in the hospital overnight. But maybe I could save a life. My sister’s life.

The thing was, I wanted my mother with me before I’d let them touch me.

I wanted to hear my mother tell me that everything would be okay.

52

Anna

Oh, shit, I was afraid.

I sat near the hospital coffee shop and dialed Bryan’s cell phone number with trepidation so deep and wide I felt as though it might drown me. Bryan had only recently found the courage to move back into our lives. He was only now finding his footing with the two of us. Now this. I was afraid he would run again. Maybe stay in California. I reminded myself that he was not the man he’d been back when Lily disappeared. Not the man he’d been when Haley first got sick. He’d grown up. He was solid. Or was I kid ding myself? I worried that I was only imagining that he was the man I wanted him to be. An even greater worry right now was that I’d allow myself to believe the girl in Haley’s room was truly Lily and then have those hopes dashed yet again. I’d taught Haley never to give up hope, yet I knew the truth: hope could lead you down the garden path.

I’d dared to leave Haley and Grace together for the time it would take to make this call. I had to talk to him before Grace’s mother arrived. I just couldn’t hold on to this revelation alone any longer.

“Hey,” Bryan answered. “Everything okay?” Oh, the warmth in that voice! I was so afraid of losing that warmth. I was afraid that whatever Bryan and I had recaptured between us would be gone in a few moments’ time.

“Yes,” I said. Nothing was okay, of course, but I knew what he meant. He meant, Nothing’s changed for the worse with Haley, has it? And nothing had.

“Something unbelievable’s happened,” I said.

“Uh, unbelievably good or unbelievably bad?”

“A girl showed up at the hospital today claiming to be Lily.”

He said nothing and I wondered what the words meant to him. Was he as afraid of hope as I was?

“Who is she? What’s her game? Do you think all the publicity—”

“I don’t know.” I cut him off. “She has this letter with her.” I told him about the letter. About the date of birth on her driver’s license. “I don’t think anyone put her up to this,” I said. “But something doesn’t feel right about it. I can’t put my finger on it. Her mother is on her way here from Wilmington. Apparently, the girl—her name is Grace— found all this out from a friend and took off with out telling her mother. Her father is dead.”

He was quiet, taking it all in. “Have you spoken to the mother?” he asked finally.

“Not yet. Bryan, the girl’s willing to be tested to see if she’s a match.”

“Do you believe she’s really Lily?”

“I don’t know what to believe. I… Of course I want her to be but she doesn’t look like I imagined Lily looking. She doesn’t look like either of us and nothing like Haley. She’s beautiful and seems like a nice kid, but—”

“Where is she now?”

“With Haley.”

“You let her meet Haley?” His voice told me he didn’t approve, but I felt confident I’d done the right thing.

You still don’t really know your daughter, I wanted to say to him. “I explained it all to Haley. I told her my doubts. She wanted to meet her.”

“Look, I’ll get a flight back tonight,” he said. “The interview went great today and I have one scheduled with a higher-up tomorrow morning, but I’ll tell them I have a family emergency and need to—”

“No, don’t,” I said. “Stay there and do the interview. I can handle things here.”