The Walrus and the Warwolf

record of the Court. Drake listened intently. He had never heard it before; he was flattered to learn that a follower of his temple had been impressed enough to write down a history of Drake's doings in Runcorn.This was fame indeed!

The prosecutor finished with Muck, and, very pleased with himself, addressed the Court:

'You have heard both my first witness and The Book of Arabin. Plainly, the accused is an evil, dangerous religious radical. He overthrew the rightful rule Of Runcorn. In its place he installed a monstrous regime of drunkenness, debauchery and polymorphous perversion. That more than suffices to make him a public menace, for what he did in Runcorn he might yet do in Selzirk.'Smirking, the prosecutor sat. And Drake was asked:'Do you have questions to put to the witness?'

'Aye, that I do,' said Drake. 'Under torture, if you please. Or, if he'll not submit to torture, let him swear to tell the truth, and let him swear by the Flame he preaches of.'

Drake's petition to have the witness tortured was denied, but Muck was made to swear (by the Flame) that he would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

'Man,' said Drake, 'you had me as apprentice on Stokos. Was I good or was I bad?'

'You were the worst apprentice I ever had,' said Gouda Muck. 'Drunk, disorderly, disobedient, shiftless, idle, gross, reckless and lawless. You stole my mastersword.''Did I ever steal gold?''No.'

'Or bread? Or wine? Or wood? Or anything else of you or yours?''No.'

'Did I ever hurt or harm or damage anything of you or yours?'

'Yes! You damaged a sword of mine. I remember it well. You were foolish at sword. You knocked out some iron inlay. I can tell the Court exactly. It was the letter Ac0wae.''How do you know it was that letter? Did I tell you?'

'You! Tell me! An illiterate fool like you? No, I knew the letter for what it was because I'm a scholar of sorts, as my father was before me.''Why call me illiterate?' said Drake, sounding hurt.

'Because you know not one letter from the other. Why, when you were sent to learn your theory, you had to memorize the whole by heart.'

'That's a cruel thing to say,' said Drake. 'Why make me out as ignorant?''Because you are!'

'All right,' said Drake. T let you have the point. I know not one letter from the other.'

'And never will,' said Muck, 'for you were no good at learning. Why, I had to beat you to learn you the simples of your business!'

'Beatings, was it?' said Drake. 'Was it with fists? Or with boot? Or with stick? Or did you bang my head against the wall? Or did you throw lumps of coal and ore at me? Or what method did you use?''All of those, and more,' said Muck. 'But all failed.'

'Did I ever beat back in return? Hit or punch or throw or spit?'Muck laughed.

'You'd never have dared!' he said. 'You were too fearful for that.''So what did I do to oppose you?'

'We've been through that! You stole my mastersword and ran away!''And when did you see me next?''Why, in Runcorn.''Tell the Court how you came to see me.'

'I'd made it my business to travel the Salt Road, preaching. I had with me loyal assistants – such as Sully Yot. A better man than you!''Tell the Court of this Yot,' said Drake.

'An apprentice of mine,' said Muck. 'He'd been a prisoner of pirates. You were one of those who took him prisoner!'

'Was I just?' said Drake. 'Was I then high in their ranks? A pirate captain, perhaps?'

'No,' said Muck, with a laugh. 'You were but a cook's boy. Peeling cockroaches and hashing up rats, that was about your limit. Why, Yot told of how you'd done the world's worst cookery in the Penvash channel. Rats and cockroaches, yes!''So I was the cook?'

'No, no, the cook's boy. You were never destined to go far in the world.'

'Did Yot tell you how I came by these rats and cockroaches he talked of?'

'Why, yes. He said you told him you'd meant them as a sacrifice for Hagon.''What is this Hagon?' said Drake.

And the Court heard from Muck the tale of how Drake had devotedly worshipped the Demon Hagon for years. Then Drake changed tack to bring him back on course for Runcorn:

'So the Court now knows about Hagon, aye, and about this fellow Yot. Who knew me, as you say. Yot came to Runcorn with you. What then?'

'We reached Runcorn. I was tired, therefore took to my bed at the inn. Yot went about the city, with the energy of the young. He saw you in the temple of the place. You and a woman, Zanya, whom he knew. I knew her too, for she had been my convert formerly. So Yot went privily to Zanya, and brought her to me.''And she spoke with you?''Yes. She told how you went by the name of Arabin lol

Arabin. For she knew you not as Drake Douay. Only Yot knew you as that.''And where is this Yot? In Selzirk?'

'No. He returned to Stokos, to manage my temple's affairs. He's high priest now.'

'An interesting story,' said Drake, smirking. 'You speak of a woman who knew a man called Arabin lol Arabin. Another man knows of no Arabin, but knows of a Drake Douay. He takes the girl to you, and by this means you identify this Arabin as Drake. At a distance, sight unseen. Is this black magic, or what?'

'I saw you with my own eyes,' said Muck. 'The very next day. It was in the square in front of City Hall in Runcorn.''What was I doing?''Standing on a balcony.'

'What? Admiring sunsets and singing them to sleep with fancy poetry?'

'No, for it was not evening but bright day. Besides, you have no poetry. You were shouting. At a mob.'

'A mob, was it? And was I shouting at them to burn the city, aye, and plunder it? Or was I seeking order?'

'You were seeking your life, for they were out to kill you. They'd recognized the evil of your religion.''So what did I say to them? Did I beg for mercy?''No. You promised them war.'

'War? The kind of war that Elkor Alish made? An attack on Androlmarphos? An invasion of Selzirk?'

'No,' said Muck, 'for you lack the imagination for such. Your war was to be against the ragged bands which roam the Lezconcarnau Plains.''So did I speak of Selzirk in my plans for war?''No.''Are you sure?'

'You . . . why, yes, you spoke of selling slaves to Selzirk. And, shortly after, you cried out to thousands that you were Arabin lol Arabin. Then the crowd ran riot.''Then what happened?'T saw you not, for I was fighting for my own life.' 'So when did you see me next?'

'About a season later. I was preaching in Selzirk when you turned up and shouted at me.''What did I shout? Of religion? Or of a woman?''Of a woman.''What woman was this?'

'Zanya Kliedervaust, a pilgrim from the Ebrells.' 'The same woman who had been in Runcorn?' 'Yes,' said Muck. 'The one that I have spoken of in my testimony.''What means she to you?''She is the guardian of my purity.''Your whore?' said Drake.

'I am a holy man!' said Muck, his voice rising in outrage. 'How can the Court let this – this criminal accuse me of whoring?'

'The defence,' said Judge Syrphus, easily, 'has a very free hand in the courts of Selzirk. As does indeed the prosecution. We think our justice no worse for it. Do you beg to differ?'

'My lord,' said Gouda Muck, 'I, as a stranger, would scarce set out to reform the courts of Selzirk.'

'Then answer the question!' said Drake. 'What was Zanya to you?'

'The guardian of my purity,' said Gouda Muck. 'As I've said already.'

Drake had thought to defend himself by showing Muck as a sexual rival. He had failed – for the moment. He tried another tack: to show Muck up as a madman.'And why must you have such a guardian?' asked Drake.'To preserve my holiness.''And why are you holy?''Because I am the flesh of the Flame.'

'You mean you live in fire, like one of these salamanders we sometimes hear of? Or that the skin beneath your robes is red, like that of the people of Ebrell? Or what?''I mean that I am the High God of All Gods.'

'You mean,' said Drake, 'a priest, surely. Surely the word meant was priest, not god.'

'No,' said Muck. T am a god! Not any god, but the High God of All Gods!''Have you always known this?' said Drake.'No.'

'Then how did you first come to know yourself as a god?''Why, the Flame told me.''Describe this Flame,' said Drake.

'It was purple,' said Muck. 'It leaped out of the furnace. It yelled at me.'