'If you wish. That one, that one, and that one.' I'd picked the three most gaudily dressed of his entourage, and I think I picked right. I must have singled out someone pretty important, since a trickle of sweat went down the ambassador's cheek. I could see him weighing the loss of face against the loss of someone special. Face lost out.
'The first man you picked is Subotai Bahadur. He, like me, is sworn to report to Batu Khan. You must pick another. '
'As you like. How about that pretty little guy on the end?' I later found out that this man was the ambassador's son, but the father didn't bat an eye.
He spoke briefly to the three men in what must have been Mongolian. Then he said, 'I have just ordered these men to cut their own throats, as a demonstration of their loyalty and obedience to the kakhan!'
And those three men did it! One after another, they stepped forward, said some sort of prayer, drew their belt knives, and cut their own throats! There were gasps of horror and disbelief from the audience. I glanced at the duke and he looked a little pale.
If word of this got around, Polish morale would suffer. I couldn't let them outdo us, but I wasn't going to see if any of my men felt suicidal! So I laughed at him.
'Well, don't feel too bad about it,' I said. 'We have crazy people in this country, too. Of course, we try not to show them off in public when company is calling, but I suppose that customs differ. How about that one? Would he cut his throat, too?'
'Any true Mongol would obey orders!'
'Then let's see it!'
And damned if he didn't order it and the poor bastard ended up bleeding on the floor along with the others.
'And how about that one?' I said.
'What are you trying to do?' screamed the ambassador.
'Well, I figured that if we could get every Mongol to cut his fool throat, we wouldn't have to fight a war next spring.' The room exploded in laughter.
'Were I not forbidden by my lord Batu to fight, I would kill you here and now!'
'It wouldn't be much of a fight, especially since you don't have a sword anymore. Why, any of our women could beat any of your fools with a sword. Even little Krystyana over there could take on any one of you, and she's had six children.'
'Could 1, my lord? Could I really fight him?' Krystyana said as she eagerly stepped out from the crowd. She was in court dress and so of course was unarmed, but she had borrowed her husband's sword with such vigor that Sir Piotr had a thin trickle of blood running down from his left ear.
'Well, I was just talking, Lady Krystyana. This is a diplomatic meeting, and not the place for a fight.'
'Ah! You make a foolish boast and then you try to wiggle out of it! I say that you must back up your boast!'
'I suppose, if you insist. Sir Piotr, what do you say about this? She's your wife, after all.'
'My lord, when she's in this mood, I've found it's best to let her have her own way.'
'Very well then, pick your best swordsman,' I said to the ambassador.
'Let the lady choose her own executioner,' he said with a greasy smile.
'I want that one,' Krystyana said. 'He's wearing the most gold, and I get it when I win, don't I?'
'To the victor goes the spoils, my lady,' I said.
'Good! Of course, I can't fight in this silly outfit!' She said, as she stripped her clothes off. The Mongols were all wearing armor and she was proposing to fight naked!
At this time, Poland didn't have a nudity taboo, so a naked lady wasn't all that unheard of, but the duke had let it be known that he wanted a complete coverup in his own court, and thus far, no one had ever dared defy him. I glanced at the duke again, but he just looked up at the coffered ceiling.
The Mongol acted as if he was just going to walk up and murder her. Krystyana parried his blow easily and gave him a horizontal cut on the forehead.
This startled the man, and he started hacking in earnest. It got him nowhere. He might have been good at saber fighting on horseback, but his footwork was almost nonexistent. The parries used on horseback are different from those used on foot, and are slower, since on a horse you have the animal's neck between your legs and it gets in the way.
But mostly, he'd never seen a rapier before, whereas Krystyana had often fought rapier against saber. She'd beaten me that way quite a few times.
So she played with him. She added a vertical cut to the one horizontal one on his forehead, making a perfect Christian cross. Then she put a cross on each cheek, and during all this had not taken a cut herself.
She was making the Mongol look like a buffoon, which was wonderful. She was savvy enough to realize that we had to take people's minds off the dead bodies on the floor.
The crowd was going wild, and the ambassador was turning livid purple.
'She's making a Christian out of him!' Piotr yelled.
'Does that count as a Baptism?' somebody shouted.
'No! That's Extreme Unction!' another wit called back.
'Krystyana, didn't your mother tell you not to play with your food?' yelled someone else.
She was working at cutting the Mongol's armor off when I said, 'I think you've made your point, Lady Krystyana. Kill him and be done with it.'
'Yes, my lord. On the count of four! One! ... Two' ... Three! . . . '
And she skewered him, straight through the heart, on the count of four. Then she bowed to the duke and to the crowd, picked up her clothes, and retired. The applause rocked the castle!
I turned to the ambassador. 'With regards to your request for submission, the answer is no.'
'And who are you, to say this thing? What is your name and station?'
'I am Baron Conrad Stargard.'
'What! I have been talking to a mere baron?'
'Surely you didn't expect our duke to dirty his lips by talking to such as you? I'm the lowest ranking man up here!'
The Mongols turned and left, leaving their dead on the floor.
The duke stood and motioned for me to follow. Once we were alone in his privy chamber, he turned and glared at me.
'Damn you, Conrad! I asked you to conduct a preliminary interview, not to set policy for me!'
'Yes, your grace. I guess I sort of got carried away.'
'You 'sort of got carried away'? Were my father still on the throne, you would be carried away in a coffin!'
'Yes, your grace.'
'Yes, your grace!' Is that all you can say?'
'Well, your grace, what other outcome could there have been? Surely you never considered submitting to them! You know what has happened to every other people that has done that. They make insatiable demands, require hostages, and ruinous tribute! Poland under the Mongols would be a living hell until they killed us all! Then it would be a dead one!'
'I know, I know. But there was no need to make them mad! You've told me that their plan is to simultaneously attack both Poland and Hungary. After what you've done, they just might come at us alone with all their forces! King Bela can put two knights in the field for every one that Poland can, and I include Sandomierz, Mazovia, and the Teutonic Knights as being with us!'
'Then maybe I've done some good, your grace. If I've made them mad enough, they'll go straight back to Batu Khan without talking to the other Polish powers. There was always the chance that they could have split us up, or talked some of the others into being neutral.'
'That would never have happened, Baron. We may not be united, but we Poles would always stand together against a foreign aggressor.'
'I hope you're right, your grace. But the Crossmen aren't Poles, they're Germans who have no great love for us. The Duke of Mazovia is a fourteen-year-old boy! Who can tell about a child?'
'Perhaps the Teutonic Knights are a cipher, but if the Duke of Mazovia's youth causes problems, they will be in
