Love the one youre with

For some reason, it is a question I hadn't anticipated, and one that magnifies my residual guilt and hangover. I shake my head, feeling fairly certain that this is not the answer she was hoping for.

Sure enough, she gives me a piteous look and says, 'Are you going to tell him?'

'I… I guess I should?' I say, my voice rising in a question.

Margot runs her hands over her belly. 'I don't know,' she says pensively. 'Maybe not.'

'Really?' I say.

'Maybe not,' she says again more resolutely.

'Don't you think he'll notice… the byline?' I ask as it occurs to me that we haven't engaged in this sort of relationship strategy and analysis in years. Then again, we haven't needed to. Other than a few silly arguments that arose during our wedding planning (in which Margot sided with me), Andy and I have never really been at odds-at least not in such a way that would have necessitated girlfriend collusion or intervention.

'Probably not,' Margot says. 'He's a guy… And does he even know Leo's last name?'

I tell her I'm not sure. He once did, I think, but perhaps he has forgotten.

'And really,' she says, recrossing her legs at the ankle, 'what does it matter anyway?'

I look at her, ninety percent thrilled by the direction she's headed in, and ten percent worried that it might be some kind of a trap set by one loyal sibling for another.

Blood is thicker than water, I can hear Suzanne saying as I nod noncommittally and wait for Margot to finish her thought.

'It's not like Leo was some big love of your life or anything,' she finally says.

When I don't respond immediately, she raises her well-arched eyebrows even higher, obviously looking for confirmation and reassurance.

So I say as decisively as I can, 'No, he wasn't.'

This time, I know I'm lying, but what choice do I have?

'He was just… some guy from a long time ago,' Margot says, her voice trailing off.

'Right,' I say, cringing as I think of that flight together.

Margot smiles.

I make myself smile back at her.

Then, just as the gate attendant announces the start of boarding and our husbands rejoin us with a stash of newspapers, magazines, and bottled water, she leans in and whispers confidingly, 'So what do you say we just go ahead and keep this one to ourselves?'

I nod, picturing the two of us literally sweeping debris under an expansive Oriental rug as we hum along to the Golden Girls theme song, one of our favorite shows to watch after class in college.

'All's well that ends well,' Margot says, words that, oddly enough, both soothe me and fill me with a sense of foreboding. Words that echo in my head as the four of us gather our belongings and saunter down the Jetway toward my new life, a fresh start, and something that feels a little bit like redemption.

twenty-two

For the next few weeks, as Andy and I settle into our new home, I do my best to stay on the road to redemption. I wake up every morning and give myself rousing pep talks, repeating chipper cliches out loud in the shower-things like, Home is where the heart is, and Happiness is a state of mind. I tell Andy and Margot and Stella, and even strangers, like the clerk at Whole Foods and a woman behind me in line at the DMV, that I am happy here, that I do not miss New York. I tell myself that if I can only will these things to be true, my record will be expunged, my slate cleaned, and Leo forgotten for good.

But despite my best, most pure-intentioned efforts, it doesn't quite work out that way. Instead, as I go through all the moving-in motions-whether it's arranging our framed photographs on the built-in bookcases flanking our stone fireplace, or perusing the aisles of Target for Rubbermaid storage containers, or poring over drapery fabric samples with Margot's interior designer, or planting white caladiums in big bronze pots on our front porch-I feel out of sorts and out of place.

Worse, I have the nagging, sinking feeling that I was more myself on that red-eye flight than I have been in a long time-and that I've made a mistake in leaving New York. A big mistake. The kind of mistake that brews resentment and dangerous fissures. The kind of mistake that makes your heart ache. The kind of mistake that makes you long for another choice, the past, someone else.

Meanwhile, Andy's contentment, bordering on outright glee, makes me feel that much more alienated. Not so much because misery loves company-although there is an element of that-but because his happiness means that our move is permanent, and I will be stuck in this world forever. His world. A life sentence of sitting in traffic and having to drive everywhere, even to grab a cup of coffee or a quick manicure. Of sterile strip malls and no late-night dinner delivery options. Of mindlessly accumulating shiny, unnecessary possessions to fill the empty spaces in our sprawling home. Of falling asleep listening to absolute unsettling silence rather than the satisfying hum and pulse of a city. Of still, sweltering summers with Andy off playing golf and tennis every weekend and no chance of a white Christmas. Of saccharine-sweet, blond, blue-eyed, Lilly Pulitzer-wearing, Bunco-playing neighbors with whom I have virtually nothing in common.

Then, one morning in August, just after Andy leaves for work, I find myself standing in the middle of the kitchen, holding his cereal bowl which he carelessly left on the table, and I realize that it's not such a subtle feeling anymore. It's full-blown suffocation. I practically run to the sink, toss his bowl into it, and phone Suzanne in a panic.

'I hate it here,' I tell her, fighting back tears. Just saying the words aloud seems to solidify my stance and make my feelings both official and entrenched.

Suzanne makes a reassuring sound and then offers, 'Moving is always tough. Didn't you hate New York at first?'

'No,' I say, standing over the sink and almost basking in feeling like a downtrodden, taken-for-granted housewife. 'New York was an adjustment. I was overwhelmed at first… But I never hated it. Not like this.'

'What's the problem?' she asks, and for a second, I think she's being sincere-until she adds, 'Is it the doting husband? The huge house? The pool? Your new Audi? Or wait-it's gotta be the sleeping in late and not having to get up and go to work, right?'

'Hey, wait a second,' I say, feeling spoiled and ungrateful, like a celebrity whining about her lack of privacy, insisting that her life is soo hard. Still, I continue, believing that my feelings are legitimate. 'It's driving me crazy that my agent hasn't called with anything and I spend my days snapping shots of magnolia trees in our backyard, or of Andy puttering around the house with his toolbox, pretending to be handy… or of the kids on the corner selling lemonade until their nanny glares at me like I'm some kind of child molester… I want to work-'

'But you don't have to work,' Suzanne says, cutting me off. 'There's a difference. Trust me.'

'I know. I know I'm lucky. I know I should be thrilled-or at least comforted by all of… this,' I say, glancing around my spacious kitchen-with its marble counters, gleaming Viking stove, and wide-planked, cedar floors. 'But I just don't feel right here… It's hard to explain.'

'Try,' she says.

My head fills with a litany of my usual complaints before I settle on a trivial but somehow symbolic anecdote from the night before. I tell her how the little girl next door came over peddling Girl Scout cookies and how irritated I was as I watched Andy labor over the order form as if it were the decision of a lifetime. I imitate him, exaggerating his accent-'Should we get three boxes of Tagalongs and two Thin Mints or two Tagalongs and three Thin Mints?'

'It is a pretty big decision,' Suzanne deadpans.