Something Blue

girls in our office would be. Could she tell them? Was it public knowledge yet?

I said no, not yet, I wasn't quite ready for the world to know.

'I understand. Mum's the word,' Claire said, pinching her lips between thumb and index finger. She giggled. 'No pun intended.'

I insisted that I wasn't ashamed of my pregnancy. It wasn't that at all. I babbled about how I would maintain my sense of self, referencing Rachel on Friends and Miranda on Sex and the City. Both women had managed to keep their lives and looks intact while embracing single motherhood. I saw no reason why I couldn't do the same.

'Oh, I know,' Claire said in a condescending tone. 'There's no reason you can't do it all, have it all. Be a modern woman!'

As I studied her big, fake smile, the exact contours of our shallow friendship came into focus. Sure, Claire liked me, but she liked me because I was fun to go out with and because I was a guy magnet, even when I had worn my engagement ring from Dex. She liked me because I was an invaluable asset. With her pedigree and my looks and personality, we had been unstoppable. The glamorous PR duo everyone either knew or wanted to know.

But in the time it took to down a margarita, my stock had plummeted in her eyes. I had been transformed into nothing but a struggling single mother. I might as well have had curlers in my hair and a welfare check in my callused hand. I was of no use to her anymore.

As she finished her drink, she eyed mine. 'Well? May I?' she asked.

'Go ahead,' I said.

She took a few sips from my glass and then glanced at her watch. 'Oh, shoot. Look at the time!'

'Did you have to be somewhere?' I asked. Usually it was impossible to shake Claire.

'Yes,' she said. 'I told Jocelyn I'd give her a call. She wants to go out tonight. Didn't I mention that?'

'No,' I said. 'You didn't mention that.'

Claire smiled tightly and said, 'Yeah. Dinner and a few drinks. Of course, you can come if you want. Even though you can't drink. We'd love your company.'

Claire was offering me, Darcy Rhone, a charity invite. I was tempted to go, to prove that I could still be fun. But I was too indignant to accept the invitation so easily. So I told her no, that I had some phone calls to return. I waited for a little coaxing, but she just stood, carried her glass over to the sink, swung her Prada bag over her shoulder, and said with all the cheeriness in the world, 'All righty then, hon… Congratulations again. Have a great night. You take good care of yourself, okay?'

Needless to say the next week passed and Claire never mentioned moving in with me again. Instead, I heard from another girl in our office that Claire and Jocelyn were apartment-hunting in the Village. I also heard from Jocelyn herself, in the office restroom after her postlunchtime purge, that she had met a great guy-Josh Levine-did I know him? It was the final straw, the salt in rny open, bleeding, infected wound. Even dependent and doting Claire had joined the ranks and betrayed me. I hurried back to my office, stunned and teary, my mind racing about what to do next. Without even fully thinking it through, I found myself propelled down the hall to Cal's office, where I informed my boss that I needed to take a leave of absence, effective immediately. I told him I was having some personal issues. He asked if there were anything he could do. I said no, I just needed some time away. He told me they were overstaffed these days, anyway, and the economy was socking the PR business right in the gut, so I could take as much time as I needed and could come back whenever I was ready. Then he gave my midsection an unmistakable once-over. He knew my secret.

Claire, the biggest gossip hound in Manhattan, had added me to her inside scoop. So I added her to my ever-growing list of enemies-of people who would be sorry to have crossed me.

seventeen

For the next few days I cranked up.

'I Will Survive,' Ace of Base's 'I Saw the Sign,' and other inspiring songs as I racked my brain, trying to come up with a plan, a way to escape the shame of so much rejection. I needed a fresh start, a change of venue, a new cast of characters. I scoured my list of contacts in the city, but everyone was somehow linked to Dex or to Claire or to my firm. I seemed to be without options. And then, just as true despair set in, a call from Indianapolis showed up on my caller ID. It was Annalise, my last girlfriend standing.

'Hi, Annalise!' I answered, feeling guilty for all the times in the past that I had dismissed her as boring, neglected to call her back, even scoffed at her suburban, kindergarten-teaching existence. I felt especially bad for not meeting her new baby, Hannah, when I was back in Indy.

'I'm so glad you called!' I told her. 'How are you? How is Hannah?'

I listened patiently as Annalise gushed about her baby and complained about the lack of sleep. Then she asked how I was doing, her tone implying that she already knew my tale of woe. Just in case she was missing some details, I filled her in on everything. 'My life is falling apart, and I don't know what to do,' I cried into the phone.

'Oh, wow, Darce,' Annalise said in her heavy Midwestern accent. 'I don't know what to say. I'm just… really worried about you.'

'Well, you should be worried,' I said. 'I'm at the absolute end of my rope. And this is all Rachel's fault, you know.'

I was yearning for one derogatory comment about Rachel, her other best friend. Just a tiny dig would have felt like a cooling salve. But Annalise was not one to be mean, so she only made a concerned clucking noise into the phone and then said, 'Can't you and Rach just try to work things out? This is just too sad.'

'Hell no!'

Annalise made another remark about forgiveness, one of those annoying religious comments that had become her trademark after marrying Greg, a Bible beater from Kentucky.

'Never,' I said. 'I'll never forgive her.'

Annalise sighed as Hannah Jane fussed in the background, making an annoying, and escalating, ehh, ehhh, ehhhhhh sound that wasn't exactly igniting my mothering instinct.

'So, anyway, I just think I need a change of scenery, you know? I thought about the Peace Corps or some outdoorsy type of adventure, but that's not really my scene. I like my creature comforts. Especially now that I'm pregnant…'

That's when Annalise suggested that I return home for a few months, live with my parents, and have the baby in Indianapolis. 'It'd be so fun to have you here,' she said. 'I'm in this amazing playgroup at church. You'd love it. It might be really grounding for you.'

'I don't need to be grounded. I need the opposite. I need an escape. Besides, I can't go back to Indy. It just feels like such a downgrade. You know, like I'm selling out, settling, cashing in my chips, admitting defeat.'

'Okay!' Annalise giggled good-naturedly. 'I get the picture. We know we're small potatoes, don't we, Hannah?'

Hannah howled in response.

'You know what I mean. You like it there, and that's great for you. But I'm just not a small-town kind of girl…'

'You're far from small-town,' Annalise said.

'And besides, I'm not speaking to my mother,' I said, explaining what a bitch she had been upon hearing my news.

'Why don't you go to London and stay with Ethan?' she said, referring to Ethan Ainsley, our high school friend who was in London, writing some book.

The second she said it, I knew it was the answer. It was so obvious, I marveled that I hadn't thought of it first. I would sublease my apartment and head off to jolly ol' England.

'Annalise, that's a marvelous idea,' I said, imagining everyone catching wind of my transatlantic move. Claire, who fancied herself such a world traveler, would eat her heart out. Marcus, who had yet to call and check on