Of course, I am terrified of truly being with him too.
'I need to tell you about that afternoon with Darcy,' he says.
I know he is talking about the shower episode, and I can't bear to hear it. The sepia beach frolic is one thing, the up-close and color porn scene is another. I don't want a single detail from his perspective. 'Please don't,' I say. 'You really don't have to explain.'
'It's just that… I want you to know that she initiated it… Truly… I've been avoiding it for so long, and I just couldn't get out of it.' His face twitches, a mask of guilty discomfort.
'You do not have to explain,' I say again, more firmly. 'She's your fiancee.'
He nods, looking relieved.
'You know when the two of you were on the beach?' I ask quietly, surprising myself by bringing it up.
'Yeah,' he says knowingly, and then looks down. 'When I came back up to the towels, I knew. I knew you were upset.'
'How did you know?'
'You heard me say your name and ignored me. You were so cool. Chilly. I hated that.'
'I'm sorry. It's just that you looked so happy with her. And I felt so-so…' I struggle to find the right word. 'Well, obsolete, used.'
'You are not obsolete, Rachel. You are all I think about. I couldn't sleep last night. Couldn't work today. You are anything but obsolete.' His voice has lowered to a whisper, and we have assumed the position of slow-dancers, my arms around his neck. 'And you must know that I'm not using you,' he says into my ear. I feel the goose bumps rising.
'I know,' I say into his shoulder. 'But it's just so weird. Watching you with her. I don't think I should go to the Hamptons with you both again.'
'I'm so sorry,' he says again. 'I know. I just wanted to spend time with you.'
We kiss once. It is a soft, closed-mouth kiss, our lips barely touching. There is no connotation of lust or sex or passion. It is the other side of a love affair, the part I like the best.
We move over to my bed. He sits on the edge, and I am cross-legged beside him.
'I just want you to know,' he says, staring intently into my eyes, 'that I would never do this if I didn't deeply care for you.'
'I know,' I say.
'And I'm… you know… taking this whole thing very seriously.'
'Let's not talk about it until the Fourth,' I say quickly. 'That was the deal.'
'Are you sure? Because we can talk about it now if you want.'
'I'm sure. Positive.'
And I am positive. I am afraid of any leads he might give me about our future. I can't bear the thought of losing him, but have yet to consider what it would be like to lose Darcy. To have done something so huge and all- encompassing and wrong and final to my best friend.
He tells me that it scares him how much I mean to him, do I know how much I mean to him?
I nod. I know.
He kisses me again, more intensely this time. Then I experience my first truly unbelievable make-up sex.
The next morning Hillary visits me on the way to her office. She asks me how my date went. I tell her it was great. She plops down in one of my guest chairs, placing her bottle of Poland Spring water and her sesame bagel on my desk. She leans back and slams my door with her elbow. Her face is all business.
It turns out that Marcus did indeed opt for the no-name Italian restaurant in his neighborhood. The same no-name Italian restaurant that for whatever reason also struck Hillary's fancy last night. A city of millions, and Marcus and Hillary were seated two tables apart, over identical plates of ravioli on a random Monday night. Welcome to Manhattan, a smaller island than you'd ever think.
'The only thing you didn't lie to me about,' Hillary says, shaking her finger at me, 'is that Marcus was, in fact, on a date. Just not with your lying ass-although the girl resembled you in the mouth and chin region.'
'Are you mad?'
'Not mad, no.'
'What then?'
'Well, for one, I'm shocked. I didn't think you were capable of such deceit.' She looks impressed by this revelation. 'But I'm also hurt that you feel you can't confide in me. I like to think of myself as your best friend-not some figurehead, a throwback from your high school days-your present-day best friend. Which brings me to my next point…' she says knowingly. She waits for me to fill the silence.
I look at my stapler, then my keyboard, and then my stapler again.
Although I have pictured getting busted many times, it is always Darcy doing the busting. Because after all, if you're going to let your mind wander, go for the worst scenario, not some intermediate level of doom. It's like worrying about your boyfriend getting into a drunk driving accident-you don't think about him hitting a mailbox and splitting his lip. You picture lilies beside an open casket.
So I've had images of Darcy catching us. Not caught-in-bed-naked-in-the-act kind of busted-that is too far- fetched, particularly in a doorman building-but something more subtle. Darcy stops by unexpectedly, and Jose sends her up without buzzing me first (mental note to self: tell him never to do that). I answer the door assuming it is only the Chinese delivery guy bringing cartons of wonton soup and egg rolls to Dex and me, as we are understandably famished from our escapades (mental note to self, number two: always look through the peephole first). And there she stands, her big eyes taking it all in. Speechless in her horror. She flees the scene. Dex dashes into the hall in his gingham boxers, bellowing her name, like Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire.
Next scene: Darcy amid cardboard boxes packing her CDs with the ever-supportive Claire offering her Kleenexes at every turn. At least Dex would get all the Springsteen albums, even Greetings From Asbury Park, which someone had given Darcy as a gift. Most of the books would stay, too, as Darcy brought few books into the union. Just a few glossy coffee table numbers.
I read once-ironically, in one of Darcy's magazines-that you should engage in this visualization exercise when you're having an affair, that you should imagine getting caught and the grim aftermath. These images should snap you back to reality, get you thinking straight, make you realize what it is you'd be losing. Of course, the article presupposed a lust-driven affair, and the article was not directed at the unattached person in the triangle, but rather the participant in the committed relationship. Then again, the article also assumed that the third party was not the maid of honor in the upcoming wedding of the other two persons. Clearly our circumstances do not fit your typical adulterous mold.
In any event, I don't know exactly how I'd feel if Darcy busted us and my friendship with her ended. I can't really get there mentally. The fact is, Darcy is one hundred percent clueless, and she and Dex are still very much engaged. And likely, it will stay that way; they will get married and she will never discover the truth about our affair.
Hillary is a different story.
'Well?' she asks.
'Well, what?'
'Who were you really seeing last night? Who really sent you those?' She points at my roses.
'Someone else.'
'No shit.'
I swallow.
'Okay, look, I wasn't born yesterday. You get in a fight with Dex at the Talkhouse, you both clam up when I arrive on the scene. Then you leave the Hamptons early the next day, all down in the dumps, with false claims of imminent deadlines-I know your work schedule, Rach, and you had nothing due yesterday. And then these flowers arrive.' She points at my roses, still in full bloom. 'You name Marcus, whom you basically ignored over the weekend. Which is odd, even if you did decide to play it low-key. Then you tell me you have a date with Marcus, and I see him out sans you-with another woman!' She finishes her catalog of evidence with a jubilant smile.
'Was she cute?' I ask.
'The woman?'
'Yeah. Marcus's date.'
