'Actually, yes, she was quite attractive. As if you care.'
She is right-I don't.
'Now quit stalling and address my point,' she says.
'What point is that?'
'Rachel!'
'It certainly does look bad,' I say, still reluctant to confess.
'Rachel. Who do you think I'm going to tell? I'm your friend. Not Darcy's. Hell, I don't even like her that much…'
I pick up my tape dispenser, pull out two inches of tape, and hold it between my index finger and thumb. For some reason, this is a harder confession than the one to Ethan. Maybe because it is face-to-face. Maybe because her past has not been as dicey as Ethan's.
'Okay.' Hillary tries again. 'Let me say the words for you, and you can just nod your head.' Her voice is like that of a mother to a child.
I nervously play with the tape, wrapping it around my thumb. She is about to spell it all out, and I have two choices-admit or deny. An admission might be a huge relief. A denial will have to be accompanied by a suitably indignant expression and a barrage of 'How could you think that? Are you crazy?' et cetera. I am in no mood for that charade.
'Dex is cheating on Darcy,' she says. 'With you.'
Drum roll.
I raise my chin and return her gaze. Then I nod the smallest of nods, my head barely moving.
'I knew it!'
I consider telling her that I don't want to talk about it, but in truth, I do want to talk about it. I want her to tell me that I'm not a terrible person. I want her to expound upon her earlier statement that I would be better suited to him than Darcy. And most of all, I just want to talk about Dex.
'When did this all start?'
'The night of my parry.'
She stares at the ceiling for a second and nods as if everything makes sense now. 'Okay, start from the beginning. Leave nothing out.' She settles into her chair and tears off a piece of her bagel.
'The first time I slept with him was an accident.'
'The. first time? You've slept with him? Multiple times?'
I give her a look.
'Sorry, go on. I just can't believe this!'
'Okay. So yes, the night of my party, we were the last two out… we went for drinks, one thing led to another, and we slept together back at my apartment. It was an accident. I mean, we were both drunk. I was, anyway.'
'Oh, I remember. You were a little bit out of it that night.'
'Yeah. I was. But, interestingly, Dex says he wasn't that drunk.' This detail not only shifts the responsibility his way, but simultaneously makes the genesis of the affair more meaningful.
'So he, what, took advantage of you?'
'No! I didn't mean to imply that… I knew what I was doing.'
'Okay.' She motions for me to go on.
I tell her about waking up the following morning, Darcy's frantic messages, our panic, and Dexter using Marcus as his alibi. 'So that's it,' I say.
'What do you mean, 'that's it'? Clearly not.' She gives my roses a purposeful glance.
'I mean, that was it for a while. We both felt regretful and-'
'How regretful?'
'Regretful, Hillary! Obviously!' To myself, I recall that first day, and my complete lack of penitence. 'So that was it. In my mind, it was over.'
'But not in his, right?'
I choose my words carefully and tell her about his Monday call to me and the things he said. And then everything that happened in the Hamptons. And about our first sober kiss. The turning-point kiss. Sleeping with him for the real first time.
She takes another big bite of her bagel. 'So is this-what? A purely physical thing? Or do you really like him?'
'I really like him,' I say.
She digests this. 'So is he going to break off the engagement?'
'We haven't talked about it.'
'How can you not talk about it? Wait-was that what you were fighting about in the Talkhouse?'
I tell her that we weren't exactly fighting, but that I was upset about him having sex with Darcy. Hence the roses.
'Okay. So if he's sorry for sleeping with his fiancee, that sounds like he's headed in the direction of breaking up with her, right?'
'I don't know. We really haven't discussed it yet.'
She looks confused. 'When are you going to?'
'We said we'd talk about it around July Fourth.'
'Why then?'
'Arbitrary. I don't know.'
She takes a swig of water. 'Well, you do think he's going to dump her, right?'
'I don't know. I don't even know if I want that.'
She gives me a nonplussed look.
'You are forgetting an important piece of this whole thing, Hillary. Darcy is my longtime, lifelong friend. And I am her maid of honor.'
She rolls her eyes. 'Details.'
'You just don't like her.'
'She's not my favorite person in the world, but Darcy is not the point.'
'She's a major point, in my opinion. She's my friend. And besides, even if she weren't, even if she were a random woman, don't you think I would have to confront the bad karma aspects of this?'
I wonder why I am arguing against myself.
She straightens in her chair and speaks slowly. 'The world is not that black-and-white, Rachel. There are no moral absolutes. If you were sleeping with Dex for the sheer thrill of it all, then maybe I'd worry about your karma. But you have feelings for him. It doesn't make you a bad person.'
I try to memorize her speech. No moral absolutes. That is good stuff.
'If the tables were turned,' she continues, 'Darcy would do the same thing in a heartbeat.'
'You think?' I ask, considering this.
'Don't you?'
'Maybe you're right,' I say. Darcy does, after all, have quite a history of taking. I give, she takes. That's the way it has always been.
Until now.
Hillary smiles and nods. 'I say go for it.'
More or less what Ethan said. That's two votes for me, zero for Darcy.
'I'm going to keep seeing him as much as I can. We'll see what happens,' I say, realizing that just 'seeing what happens' is my version of 'going for it.'
Chapter 12
Darcy and I are flying home to Indianapolis for Annalise's baby shower, and I am stuck in the dreaded middle seat. Darcy was assigned the middle, but of course she wangled her way into my window seat, saying that if she
