Darcy!' Another fond chuckle.
'Yeah.'
'Yes, what, sweetie? What's on your mind?'
'Yes, she's being a pain in the ass,' I say, reaching for the remote control to unmute the television.
'What is she doing?' my mom persists calmly.
'She's being Darcy,' I say. 'Everything is about her.'
My mom gives me a sympathetic look. 'I know, honey.'
Then I blurt out that she doesn't deserve Dexter, that he is too good for her. My mother looks at me circumspectly. Oh shit, I think. Does she know? Ethan and Hillary are one thing-my mother's quite another. I was unwilling to tell her which boys I thought were cute in high school, so this one is certainly off the table. I can't stand the thought of letting her down. I am thirty, but still very much a parent-pleaser. And my mother, a woman who finds the keys to life in cross-stitched blurbs, would never understand this breach of friendship.
'She's driving him crazy too. I'm sure of it,' I say, trying to cover.
'Did Dexter tell you this?'
'No, I haven't discussed this with Dex.' Technically this statement is true. 'You can just tell.'
'Well, be patient with her. You'll never regret being a good friend.'
I consider this gemstone from my mother. One would be hard-pressed to disagree with it. In fact, it is the way I have lived my entire life. Avoiding regret at any cost. Being good no matter what. Good student. Good daughter. Good friend. And yet I am struck by the sudden realization that regret cuts two ways. I might also regret sacrificing myself, my own desires, for Darcy's sake, in the name of friendship, in the name of being a good person. Why should I be the martyr here? I imagine myself alone at thirty-five, alone at forty. Or even worse, settling down with a dull, watered-down version of Dex. Dex with a weaker chin and twenty fewer IQ points. I would be forced to live with 'What if' forever.
'Yeah, Mom. I know. Do unto others. Blah blah blah. I'll be a good friend to precious Darcy.'
My mom looks down at her lap, smoothes her skirt. I hurt her feelings. I tell myself that I must be nice for one more evening. It is the least I can do. I don't have a sibling to pick up the slack and be the good child when I am off my game. I smile and change the subject. 'Where's Dad?'
'He went to the hardware store. Again.'
'For what this time?' I ask, indulging her in the 'Dad can't get enough of hardware stores and car dealerships' joke.
'Who knows? Who ever knows?' She shakes her head, happy again.
I am half asleep, thinking about Dex, when my cell phone rings. I have it next to my bed, the battery fully charged and the ringer on high, hoping Dex will call. His number lights up my phone screen. I press it to my ear.
'Hi, Dex.'
'Hi, there,' he says, his voice low. 'Did I wake you up?'
'Urn, sort of. But that's okay.'
He doesn't apologize, which I like.
'God, I miss you,' he says. 'When are you coming home?'
He knows when I'm coming home, knows that his fiancee has the identical itinerary. But I don't mind him asking. This question is for me. He wants me-not Darcy-back in his time zone.
'Tomorrow afternoon. We land at four.'
'I'm coming over to see you,' he says.
'Good,' I say.
Silence.
I ask him where he is now.
'On the couch.'
I picture him in my apartment, on my couch, although I know he is on their Pottery Barn pullout, the one that Darcy plans to replace with 'a more high-end piece' as soon as they are married.
'Oh,' I say. I don't want to hang up, but in my sleepy state, can think of nothing to say.
'How was the shower?'
'You didn't get a report?'
'Yeah. Darcy called.'
I am glad he told me that she called him, wonder if he added this detail on purpose.
'But I was asking you how the shower was,' he says.
'It was great to see Annalise… But it was miserable.'
'Why's that?'
'Showers are just that way.'
Then I tell him that I wish he were next to me. It is the kind of thing I don't usually say, unless he says something like it first. But the dark and the distance make me bold.
'You do?' he asks in the tone I use when I want more. Guys aren't so different from us, I think, which no matter how many times I think it will always seem like a remarkable revelation.
'Yeah. I wish you were right here with me.'
'In your bed at home, right there with your parents in the next room?'
I laugh. 'They're open-minded.'
'Wish I were there, then.'
'Although I have a twin bed,' I say. 'Not a lot of room.'
'A twin bed with you is not a bad thing.' His voice is low and sexy.
I know we are both thinking the same thing. I can hear him breathing. I say nothing, just touch myself and think of him. I want him to do the same. He does. My phone is hot against my face and, as usual when I'm on my cell, I wonder about the radiation I could be getting. But tonight, I don't care about a little radiation.
The next day Darcy and I share a cab home from LaGuardia. I am dropped off first. I phone Dex the second I hit the pavement, finding him at the office, working, waiting for my call. I am ready for you whenever, I say, happy that I already shaved my legs back in Indiana. He says he'll be right up as soon as she calls his office. You know, he says, sounding embarrassed by his newly acquired tactics. I understand. For a second, I feel bad that my life consists of these sleazy, adulterous strategies. But only for a second. Then I tell myself that Dex and I aren't in that camp. That in Hillary's words, life's not black-and-white. That sometimes the end justifies the means.
That evening, after Dex and I have been together for several hours, I realize that our visits are starting to run together in one delicious blur of talking, touching, dozing, and simply existing together in a warm, easy silence. Like the perfect beach vacation, where the routine is so blissfully uneventful that when you return home and friends ask how your trip was, you can't really recall what exactly you did to fill up so many hours. That is what being with Dex is like.
I have stopped counting our lovemaking but know that we are well past twenty. I wonder how many times he's been with Darcy. These are the things I think about now. So to say that she has nothing to do with us is not true. To say that it's not a contest is ludicrous. She is the measuring stick; I hold myself up against her. When we are in bed, I wonder, does she do it like this? Is she better? Do they follow a script by now or does she keep things fresh? (My vote, sadly, is fresh. And even more sadly, when your body is a ten, does it really matter if the sex is stale missionary?) I think of her afterward, too, when I often feel self-conscious about my body. I suck in my stomach, arrange my breasts when his back is turned, and never saunter around my apartment naked. I wonder how many times we'd have to be together before I would give up the pretty lingerie routine in favor of my gray sweats or flannel Gap pajama bottoms that I wear when I am alone. We probably don't have time for that stage to develop. At least not before the wedding. Time is running out. I tell myself not to panic, to savor the present.
But I can sense a recent shift. I allow myself to think of the future now. I've stopped feeling sick when I imagine Dex canceling the wedding. I've stopped feeling that my loyalty to Darcy should always come before all else, namely what I want. I'm still not sure where things will go, where I want them to go, but my fear of breaking the rules has dulled somewhat, as has my instinct to put Darcy above myself.
Tonight Dex talks about work. He often tells me about his deals, and although I am interested in the mechanics of it all, what I really like is the color that Dex provides about the major players at his firm, the people who fill his daily life. For example, I know that he likes working for Roger Bollinger, the head of his group. Dex is
