He looked up at me gloomily.
'He'll slide off this lovely,' he said.
'Who will?'
'Why-'im down there.' He pointed aft with his thumb. 'The poor bloke what's for the knife. Slide off it like a wet fish, he will,' he added with relish.
I was perplexed.
'What's he want to slide off a hatch cover for?' I asked.
'Why, when they buries 'im, of course.' He gave it another rub. 'Lot of work I've put in on this 'ere 'atch cover.'
'Now, look here, Chippy. What gives you the idea my patient's going to die?'
'Oh, they always does. I've seen five appendicitises at sea. 'Ad their time, every one of 'em. Over the wall they went on a 'atch cover.'
I stamped off in disgust. I felt I had been professionally insulted. I climbed the bridge ladder angrily to report the Carpenter's pessimism to one of the Mates. There I found the Second moodily sorting out flags.
'What ho, Doc,' he said. 'When's the carve-up?'
'In about an hour.'
'Think that ensign'll do?'
'Do? What for?'
'Why, in case-in case of accidents. To cover the body.'
'There isn't going to be any body, damn you!'
'Well, Father told us to take precautions. Means a lot of work for all hands, Doc. It'll be a shame if they're all disappointed now.'
I admit that they do give one an excellent funeral at sea. The properties are traditionally adapted from the ship's gear and the routine is prescribed as firmly as that for entering and leaving port. As soon as the body is available it is turned over to the bos'n, who sews it up in canvas with half a dozen firebars from the galley. For this he receives a bottle of whisky. Meanwhile, the carpenter has been polishing and attaching rope handles to a hatch cover, and the quartermasters have been pressing their best uniforms. The ceremony is held at sunset or sunrise on the same day, because ships spend most of their time in tropical waters and the performance might be marred by the corpse if it became aggressively high. The vessel stops, a rail is taken away from the side, and the ship's officers, including the abashed Doctor, line up with the Captain. Caps are removed, and at the appropriate moment the body is marched to the rails on the hatch cover by the quartermasters-who receive a bottle of whisky between them for their services-and smartly tipped overboard. The Mate, who has charge of all deck stores including flags, at the same time edges himself down to the rail and grabs the ensign-which costs the Company money-before it slips into the sea with its bundle. The ship then starts again and everybody goes off for an obituary peg.
'I should hate to spoil your fun,' I said coldly, 'but this patient is going to walk off the ship in Liverpool.'
I returned into the hospital, where Easter was boiling the instruments over a Primus stove.
'Everyone thinks there's going to be a funeral,' I said. 'I never heard such nonsense.'
'Ho, yes,' Easter remarked calmly. 'That's why I couldn't fit a screen under that there pipe as you said. Bos'n says he's got to keep all his spare canvas for the shroud.'
'But it's monstrous!'
Easter chuckled over the steaming instruments.
'Cor, I've seen some funny funerals at sea! Remember one we had in the Indian Ocean. Chinaman it was. Got knifed. Blimey, we pushed him overboard all right, but he wouldn't sink. Bobbed about like a buoy. The Old Man wasn't 'arf flummoxed. In the end we had to leave him to it. Couldn't pull him out again, could we? Probably still bobbing about somewhere, if the sharks ain't got him.'
'I'm going to see the patient,' I said sternly. 'Get everything ready in an hour's time.'
The patient was sitting in his cabin eating fish and chips and drinking a bottle of beer.
'What the devil's this!' I shouted. 'I thought I told you to have nothing by mouth?'
'Oh, sorry, Doc,' he said awkwardly. 'But seeing I was feeling so much better like, I thought I could do with a bit of grub.'
'Better, man! How dare you say you're better! That's for me to decide. You only think you're better. You've got an acute appendix inside you.'
He pulled a fish bone out of his mouth repentantly.
'There's just one thing, Doc,' he said respectfully. 'Do people often get this appendix taken out twice.'
'Twice? What do you mean?'
'Well, I had it taken out the first time in Birkenhead when I was six…'
I sprang at him and pulled up his shirt. A faint, white two-inch scar. I started to laugh.
'Not operating, Doctor? Why?' Captain Hogg demanded.
'I've charmed it away, sir,' I explained. 'A trick I learnt in infancy from a gypsy.'
Chapter Nine
We arrived at Santos in the early afternoon. As we slowed down to approach the river mouth between the deep green hills the shore heat hit us like the blast from the engine-room hatchway.
'It'll be nice and cosy alongside,' Easter said gloomily.
We sailed up the greasy river between the rows of ships tied thickly along each bank, the ensign of the United States of Brazil flying in courtesy from our foremast. Hornbeam went to his station forrard, and Archer took the Lamptrimmer and his gang of deckhands aft. The tugs came up, the mooring ropes flew out, and we were pushed into place as neatly as a well-parked car. The gangway rattled down and a section of the rail was pulled away: we had arrived.
But we were still flying the yellow Q flag, indicating we were in quarantine. A troop of stout Brazilian customs and health officials immediately tramped aboard, headed by an important-looking man in a white suit whom I took to be the Doctor.
I saluted.
'Boa dia, senhor,' I said in carefully incubated Portuguese.
He held out his hand.
'Afternoon, old boy,' he replied. 'How's tricks?'
'Very well, thank you.'
'Nothing infectious?'
'No.'
'Haul down the yellow peril, then. Can you let me have a few hundred English cigarettes?'
Once the quarantine flag was down people came aboard like Navy Week visitors on a bank holiday. There were policemen, stevedores, money-changers, ship chandlers, water purveyors, fruit sellers, harbourmasters, launderers-and the agents. The agents were the men in charge of the Fathom Line's business in Santos, and could get any commodity at short notice from five thousand tons of oil to a new bell for the ship's cat. They were a pair of tall genial Englishmen with minds like efficiently arranged shopping lists.
'Hello, Doc,' one said. 'Want any medical stores?'
'Chief Steward's got the list.'
'Good. You've taken over from Flowerday, have you? He was a rum bird. Coming to have a peg?'
'Not just now.'
'Fair enough. By the way, there's some mail for you somewhere.'
I had forgotten that the agents look after the ship's mail. I went out on deck and found most of it had been distributed. All over the ship men were leaning on uncomfortable steel corners reading their letters. I passed the Carpenter, who had several closely-written sheets in his hand and kept saying 'No! It can't be! It can't be!' to
