Well, that’s a good thing! Sarah reached over and gave me a hug before gathering her things together. I waved good-bye from the front door, then closed it, and sat down to examine my present. What a delightful prize. It will get the place of honor in the living room, on the mantel, next to the icon.
Really, I feel utterly blessed today.
No, it’s not yet time. Not yet.
We’re in front of the television, which seems to be our habit in the evening. This program is easy to follow. I don’t need to try to hold anything in my head for too long. A game show, where a motley congregation of contestants possesses a seemingly unlimited knowledge of trivia.
The blond woman loves it. She says things like He’s my favorite and I can’t believe she didn’t make it to the next round. I am having trouble concentrating. I try to do what a new sign in the kitchen commands me: Live in the moment. I have to. There is no other way for me, not anymore. But a young man wearing excessive eyeliner is jumping up and down after demonstrating his superior knowledge of the mating habits of penguins. Do I really want to be in this moment? I get up to leave the room just as the phone rings. I turn back and pick it up.
Mom, it’s Fiona.
Who?
Fiona. Your daughter. Can I speak to Magdalena? The nice lady who lives with you?
I hand over the receiver, but I don’t leave the room. Conversations are being had about me. Decisions being made.
The blond woman says little but agrees to whatever the person on the phone says. Yes. Okay. Sure. Yes, we’ll be there. She hangs up.
And what was that all about? Where will we be?
I am glad to have something to hold on to. Delighted to be able to raise my voice and release this tension.
Calm down, Jennifer. It’s no big deal. The police have some more questions. They’ve asked you to come back to the station tomorrow. Fiona will be there. And your lawyer—remember her?
Why would I need to talk to the police?
About Amanda.
What’s Amanda done wrong?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The reverse. The police are trying to find out who killed her.
Lots of people would like to.
The blond woman gives a little snort of laughter. Yes. That’s what I told them. And then wished I hadn’t, because they started asking me a lot of questions.
Now a young woman with implausibly red hair is stumped over a question related to seventies pop music. The TV audience is going wild.
Why would you say that? What do you know about Amanda?
I’ve been here eight months. That’s given me plenty of chances to observe.
Like what?
She always treated you with respect. Deference, even. Even when you were at your dottiest. She never talked down. Always spoke to you as though you were her equal. Or superior. And for the most part, you rose to the occasion. No episodes around her.
That all sounds commendable. What’s there not to like?
It had its reverse side. She didn’t cut you any slack. She’d grow impatient at answering the same questions over and over, and simply stopped answering after a while. Once I heard her say, That was all long ago and far away, in a tone of voice that meant the subject was closed.
You make it sound cruel.
Well, for you a lot of things have been reopened. Old questions, old wounds, old joys and sorrows. It’s like going into the basement and finding all the old boxes of stuff you’d meant to give to Goodwill open and overflowing. Things you thought you’d put away for good. Now you have to go through everything again. And again. Like yesterday. You wanted me to run to the drugstore to get you some tampons. You said it was an emergency.
Perhaps it was.
Jennifer, you’re sixty-five years old.
Oh. Yes.
Anyway, Amanda did or said something that distressed you enormously shortly before she died.
What was that?
I don’t know. I was in the den. I heard raised voices. By the time I got to the living room, it was over. At least the shouting was. But something had happened between the two of you that was still unresolved. Amanda was half out the door. She said one thing before she left.
I will not hesitate for one moment, she said. You were extremely agitated. That evening you had one of your episodes. I had to take you into the ER. You wouldn’t take your Valium. They had to inject you with
