Finally he opened his slavering mouth and I dragged him outside by the collar and clipped him to his chain.
Phew.
Inside, Dad was trying to sit down on the couch to rest after his trauma. However, his butt was encased in cardboard so he couldn’t. The prong the dog had chewed was sagging, mangled and wet.
“Elaine, I told you this costume was a bad idea,” Dad called.
Mom came in from the bedroom wearing a cardboard box with two light sockets on it. Her hair was gelled up to look like she’d been electrocuted. “Don’t be so negative, Kevin,” she said. “You’re negative all the time now. You have to get over yourself.”
“Polka ate my prong,” Dad said. “I can’t even sit down.”
“You look hot,” Mom said. “The prongs are very sexy.”
“The left one is ruined.”
“We can fix it with duct tape.”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to drive when I can’t even sit.”
“You’re not driving. We’re taking public transportation.”
“I still can’t sit.”
“You can stand on the bus.” Mom stroked her electric-shock hair. “What do you think? Adds to the effect, right?”
“Can we please just wear the silly hats instead?” Dad begged.
“If you don’t like being the plug you can be the outlets,” Mom said, making as if to take off her box.
“I am not being the outlets.”
“Why not?”
“I’m just not.”
“You shouldn’t be scared of your feminine side, Kevin. Everyone has one,” said Mom glibly. “I’d be glad to wear the prongs.”
“Mom!” I cried. “Leave him alone! The dog just tried to eat his pelvis.”
She turned on me. “You stay out of this, Ruby. I already know you’re on your father’s side; you’re
“You don’t have to be such a wench to him.”
“You know what?” said Mom angrily. “I don’t have to stand for this. Not your smart mouth or your father’s apathy. I’m going on vacation. Without either of you. Starting tomorrow morning.”
“What?” Dad look shocked.
“Juana asked me yesterday if I wanted to drive down to the Oregon coast with her women’s empowerment group, and I told her no, because I felt guilty leaving you when you’re still moping about Suzette’s death.”
“Don’t miss it on my account,” Dad said bitterly.
“And Ruby. Ruby’s being a drama queen about this thing with Noel what’shisname. The two of you are driving me crazy with all your negativity and self-involvement,” she said. “So you know what? I don’t feel guilty anymore. I don’t need to work so hard stuffing sausages and making Halloween costumes when no one appreciates anything I do. I can go to Oregon and sit in a hot spring!”
“I did appreciate the sausages,” said my dad. “I made a point of telling you I liked them.”
“Roo didn’t.”
“I’m a vegetarian!” I yelled.
“I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning,” said my mother. “It will be a relief to get away from both of you.”
She stomped into the bedroom and emerged with her purse, furiously putting lipstick on. Then she slammed the front door and walked—awkwardly in her costume—into the fading light.
When she was out of sight, Dad took off his cardboard box, let Polka back in the house and gave him the costume. Polka chewed on it, thumping his tail heavily on the carpet.
Dad lay facedown on the floor beside the dining table and announced he was just going to rest there for a minute.
“Aren’t you going to go after Mom?”
“I gave the prongs to the dog,” he said. “There’s no way I can be forgiven unless I have prongs.”
“Are you going to let her go on vacation without us?” I said. “Is she really going to leave?”
“I don’t know,” Dad said, turning his head to rest the alternate cheek on the carpet. “Your mother pretty much does what she wants to do.”
“Are you depressed?” I asked, standing over him. It was a stupid question. Of course he was depressed. He was the king of being depressed.
“I’m just so tired.”
“Dad! You have to do something. She’s leaving us.”
