She was leaning in to talk to Noel.
He was leaning in to talk to her.
Ag. Ag. Ag.
I thought:
If Noel sees me here with Gideon, he’ll think for sure I cheated on him back in September and we’ll never get back together. I have to hide or leave—or something.
On the other hand, he might have a surge of jealousy and chase after me down the hallway as I’m leaving Hsiao’s. He’ll punch Gideon in the face just for taking me out to a party and declare his love. Then we can live happily ever after.
Then again, what makes me think we could
He is probably going out with this sexy college vampire now. I should just forget about him.
On the other hand, if he sees me standing alone by the window, he might witness my deep and tragic loneliness and remember how much he loves me. Maybe I look melancholy and alluring.
Although more likely, he’ll see me alone and think I look pathetic and repulsive.
I should go talk to him.
No. I shouldn’t.
Noel encounters me nearly every day at school and we never say anything more than hello in the most awkward way possible. Why would it be any different here?
There isn’t really anything I can do at a Halloween party to make him love me again! Talking to him is bound to end in angst and misery. I should stay here.
No. I should run away.
As I was dithering and trying to look attractive and wondering whether Gideon would come in looking for me, Noel leaned down and kissed the sexy college vampire girl.
On the lips.
She kissed him back and I felt sick, my heart thrashing, like I was getting a panic attack standing here in Hsaio’s living room. Suddenly the most important thing was to get out of that hot, smoky room and breathe. I didn’t care who saw me or didn’t see me or anything, I just wanted out.
I pushed my way through the crowd and into the kitchen. Gideon was there, and I grabbed him by the arm. “I’m really, really sorry, but can we leave?
“I’ll drive you.” He raised his eyebrows. “You okay?”
“Not really. Can we just go? You can come back later if you want.”
Without waiting for him, I pushed out the door and down the hall and took the stairs down to the building lobby.
Don’t panic, I told myself. You don’t need to panic.
You’re sad and jealous and embarrassed, but this is not the end of the world.
You’re healthy. You’re not having a heart attack.
There’s enough air here for you to fill your lungs.
Just breathe, Ruby.
Breathe and remember you’re okay.
I put a mint in my mouth and concentrated on the flavor. I breathed.
And breathed.
When Gideon arrived in the lobby I was able to smile at him. “Sorry to drag you out,” I said. “My ex-boyfriend was there and I think I’m allergic to him.”
Gideon laughed. “You said you weren’t direct.”
“Well, I’m direct about some things.”
“I was kind of looking forward to mixed messages and—what did you say? Inscrutability.”
He was so optimistic. That was the key to Gideon. As if now that we’d been out together, we were going out together a whole lot more. Like he had stuff to look forward to, stuff to do with him and me.
“Sorry to disappoint you,” I said.
“You’d have to work really, really hard to do that,” he said, taking my hand.
And just like that, possibly because I’m psychotic, I wanted to kiss him again. He was so hot, in his doctor’s coat with his thick dark eyebrows and his sweet ketchup smell and his ugly Birkenstocks on his feet. And I thought: Noel will never love me.
My mom is leaving us.
My dad is depressed.
All that badness, and yet here, standing in front of me, is something good.
