“Okay, okay whatever. I’m just saying I think we can do a little better.”
“You have an idea?”
“Ideas, I got millions of them. But it’s not just the idea. It’s the vision.” He slams his wallet down on the bar. “And I have a vision of money.”
“Money?” Edwin asks, deciding to give Topper his head for the simple enjoyment of seeing where he would run.
“Yeah, money. Makes the world go around, right?”
“I believe the Earth spins because the conservation of angular momentum, but keep going.”
“Okay, even if Angular what-ever-it-is makes the world go round, I’m pretty sure that money greases the wheels. So, you got this guy who can knock buildings over, right?”
“That is correct.”
“I mean he can knock any building over. And you want him to knock over old buildings with nothing in them.”
“For a price.”
“Yeah, for a price. And for finding you one of those deals, I want a cut of it. You understand?”
“Of course.”
“But what I really want is a bigger cut of a bigger deal.”
“What exactly are you getting at?”
“You see last night, I get home about 3 in the morning—”
“Topper, please.”
“—and Goldfinger is playing on some channel. You know, the James Bond movie.”
“I’ve never seen it.”
“NEVER SEEN IT!”
“I don’t really care for movies.”
“Oh, Edwin, how can you advise villains if you don’t understand the style and panache of one of the greatest villains of all time? Auric Goldfinger.”
“You are referring to a fictional character, are you not?”
“Yeah, but so what. I mean Jesus was a fictional character and look at the effect he had. And c’mon. The laser, the solid gold car. The ‘No Mr. Bond I expect you to die?’” Topper notices that the bartender is smiling. “See, see, this guy knows what I’m talking about.”
Edwin decides it would be best to try silence again. But it is to no avail.
“So in the movie, you think Goldfinger is gonna to rob Fort Knox.”
“Rob Fort Knox? Rob it of its gold?”
“Yeah, because his heart is cold and loves only gold and his name is friggin’ Goldfinger, right? But see he’s already got his own gold. So the theft is just a ruse. What he’s really going to do is take over and detonate a dirty bomb inside. Irradiating the ENTIRE United States gold reserve.”
“Hmmm,” says Edwin.
“Hmmm? How about hell yeah? Isn’t it a great idea?”
“Hmmm,” says Edwin again.
“So there’s one problem with his scheme. He gets caught.”
“And what was the flaw in his plan?”
“Well, you could say it was Pussy Galore. She fell in love with Bond and switched sides. Which is how I would have done it in Bond’s place. Used my legendary powers of seduction to save the free world. You know, if I was one of the good guys. Which I am not. I’m too much of a free agent.”
Edwin rubs his temples.
“So the problem wasn’t the hot broad. The problem was too many people. And the more people you involve, the more likely it is that somebody screws it up.” Edwin freezes. Wisdom? From Topper? Could it be?
“So what would you do?” asks Edwin.
“So, you take this guy, Barry or whatever, strap a dirty bomb to him — some Polonius, Plutarchium, whatever. You wind him up. Tell him to go for the gold. He smashes through the wall, wham bam, and then when he gets to the gold – BEEP BEEP, ‘Hey what’s that funny noise?’ And KaBLOOEY! That’s it for Barry.”
“Leaving no link to me.”
“Exactly. And if you really want to make it good, all you have to do is put him in a turban. Everybody will think he’s part of some jihad against the denser elements or something equally incomprehensible. Who knows what those Korons are thinking anyway?”
“Korons?”
“Morons with Koran’s. Korons. Towel-heads, Camel Jockeys. Taxi drivers. Assholes! You know who I’m talking about.”
Explosions, senseless killing, widespread destruction, vile prejudice, it certainly is Topper’s kind of plan. But Edwin is impressed to find a hint of subtlety in operation. Subtlety is not something Edwin has thought Topper was capable of. He makes a note to consider Topper more carefully in the future.
“So, before you do any of this, you buy a shitload of gold. Then, when the dollar and the entire financial system collapses, the value of your gold skyrockets. Then you sell and buy up half the country for like $20 bucks. It’s genius. It just needed me to inject a little realism. Y’know, versmillitude.”
“Hmm.”
“C’mon, you’ve got to admit, I’ve taken a good idea and made it better. And it’s ambitious. It’s audacious. Make a fortune by destroying the United States Dollar.”
“I will grant you, that it’s not entirely a bad idea.” Topper beams with pride. Finally Edwin has approved of one of his schemes. Topper feels like he’s getting somewhere with the big egghead. At this rate, he might even be able to get Edwin to loosen up and have a good time. “But Topper,” Edwin says, “it’s already been done.”
“WHAT? Nah. No way. I would have read about it.”
“So, how much do you think this scheme of yours would devalue the dollar?”
“Oh, at least by half.”
“Half?” Edwin snorts. “Half? That would scarcely get you on the board. Since its creation, the U.S. Dollar has lost 98% of its value. Its worth 2% of what it was. Sorry Topper, someone beat you to it.”
“But how? Why didn’t it make the news? When was the explosion?”
“There was no explosion, just a slow leak.”
“So irradiating Fort Knox wouldn’t throw the United States into turmoil?”
“Other than the fact that people might be disturbed by glowing racehorses, business would continue as usual.”
“But the gold standard!”
“Oh Topper,” Edwin laughs, “The dollar isn’t backed by gold.”
“What? Then these things are just pieces of paper,” he cries, brandishing a fistful of notes.
“Yes.”
“They’re worthless?”
“Not exactly. You can exchange them for things like food and drink. So they are worth something.”
“But what keeps people from realizing they’re worthless? That you can’t get anything for them unless the next guy takes it from you?”
“Nothing.”
“Oooooh, that’s evil.”
“Yes, it is. One has to admire the ruthless professionalism of it. Only if you control a government can you get away with this magnitude of a crime. For the rest of us, we will simply have to content ourselves with lesser ambitions.”
“This is all very complicated. I had better stock up on a few things in case money doesn’t work tomorrow. Wait. Wait. Gold. Gold will still be worth something. We should STILL knock over Fort Knox!”
“Ah, yes. But if you are going to steal gold, why go all the way to Kentucky? There’s over 10,000 tons of the stuff right down the street.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“And even if it wasn’t very, very secure, there is always the problem of how you move it.”
