of laws and the barest handful of people to control the largest empire the world has ever known. And they did this by sparing valuable people and rewarding talent rather than tribal affiliation.
As Agnes passes the wall hanging, she doesn’t think about any of this. She’s surprised that Edwin has seen fit to obtain and display such a musty old rag. She approaches his desk and waits for Edwin to finish writing.
Edwin does not look up. “Yes?”
“Your 3 o’clock appointment is here.”
“My 3 o’clock? I was not aware that I had any appointments today. ”
“Well, yes, you did not have any appointments and now you have one.”
Edwin looks up sharply.
“That’s the thing with appointments,” say Agnes, “You start off with none, and then, despite one’s best efforts, they pop up like mushrooms.”
“Agnes—”
“Edwin, please, I need you to meet with this man. He is the grand nephew of one of the women I play whist with. And, whist players being in short supply in this benighted country, it seemed a good idea to curry favor by –”
“Agnes, there are hundreds, if not thousands of people trying to waste my time. It is your job to keep them from doing it.”
“Yes, but I was hoping”
“Hope,” says Edwin, “is a dangerous emotion.”
“I was hoping,” Edwin’s hand goes to his forehead. Agnes knows he is upset.
“Send the man away. I have no time for this foolishness.”
“He calls himself Lifto.”
“Agnes, please, I’ve already had my fill of nonsense from Dr. Loeb and his outrageous demands for a secret lair.”
“That is your own fault. Build the child a playpen and have done with him.”
“I will not. It serves no purpose.”
“It will serve to remove him from your misery. Now let me give you a quick precis of your 3 o’clock appointment.”
“You are a disappointment to me Agnes,” says Edwin. He regrets it as soon as he says it.
“Very well,” says Agnes, stiffening with emotion. “I will show him out.”
As Edwin watches her go he changes his mind. “Agnes. All right, I will see him.”
“No, no, You are too right, I should not impose on your precious time.” Now she’s sticking the dagger in. This aggravates Edwin even further. She’s getting what she wants, but now she wants more? Emotions are so difficult and confusing. Edwin rises from his desk.
“Agnes, you are dismissed for the rest of the day.” Edwin puts on his suit jacket and walks to the door of his office. Agnes blocks the way.
“Edwin, I am—”
Edwin is cold and formal. “You are in my way.” Agnes says nothing. She steps out of Edwin’s path and looks down at the floor.
As Edwin walks to the lobby, he smoothes the lapel of his suit jacket and buttons the middle button. In the lobby a man stands and says, “I am Lifto the Magnificent!”
Lifto the Magnificent is not, in any conventional sense of the word, magnificent. He is squat, hairy and is wearing a purple unitard. He is excited. He’s meeting Edwin Windsor. This must mean his career is finally taking off. He knows he has talent, what he needs is someone to help him reach the next level. He believes that Edwin is that man. This is very, very exciting.
When Lifto becomes excited, his complexion turns a deep shade of red that can only be described as purple’s mortal enemy.
Edwin lies, “I am pleased to meet you Mr. Lifto.”
“The Magnificent!” says Lifto.
“My mistake. Mr. The Magnificent.”
As they talk, Edwin discovers that Lifto’s sole power is the ability to lift about 10,000 pounds. Lifto is inordinately proud of his ability. He also likes lifting cars so that pretty woman can have a place to park. It is his disturbed idea of chivalry. Lifto does not tell Edwin that after such feats he swells with pride, turns purple and fails miserably in his attempt to woo the freshly parked women.
Edwin quickly discovers that Lifto is a man with something to prove. He craves attention. This is unfortunate, because Edwin believes Lifto’s real value is his anonymity.
Edwin has a way that Lifto can become a wildly successful. But it requires that he never, ever be famous. For the moment that Lifto became famous he would be an easy target for even the most minor of superheroes. Lifto can make a killing, but it will have to be a quiet killing. How to convince Lifto of this? Because, not only does Lifto want to be famous, he thinks he already is.
Lifto tries to impress Edwin with a scheme of his own devising. His plan is to go on a car-throwing spree during which he will heave cars through the front windows of banks in a three-state area. He follows this rudimentary description of his plan with, “And rob them of course.”
“I’m not sure that –” Edwin starts
“I rip the door off safe, take all money and leave. Maybe throw police car, maybe not. You know, uhh, details. What you think?” Although Edwin doesn’t understand how it is possible, Lifto’s broken, heavily accented English makes his plan sound even dumber than it actually is.
“I don’t think it’s a very good idea.”
“No rob bank? But that where money is!” Lifto protests. He laughs as if he has said one of the most original things in the long-winded history of saying things. Lifto is disappointed when, instead of joining in the hearty guffaw, Edwin searches for a non-existent speck of dirt underneath his perfectly manicured fingernails.
“I just lift up the safe and SMASH it on ground!”
Edwin sighs. This is probably as good a time as any. He says, “The problem is not the safe. Or police cars. Or lifting of any kind.”
“No lifting?” Lifto asks.
“Yes. And you’ll not be robbing any banks either.”
“No banks. But...” Lifto draws a deep breath. He’s getting ready to tell his joke again. To make sure it is funny, this time he is going to tell it very loud. Edwin cuts him off.
“Yes, yes, that’s where they keep the money. But if you rob banks, you lose money.”
“That is no sense making.”
“I’ll try to explain. You see, if there was money in robbing banks, everyone would rob banks.”
“But it’s all profit!”
Edwin presses a panel on the wall and a hidden whiteboard is revealed. He uncaps a marker and asks, “So how much cash do you expect to take in your average bank robbery?”
“$1,000,000?”
“Ah, ambition. Large numbers. I like that line of thought, but unfortunately the average bank robbery grosses only $5,000.”
“5,000?”
“Yes, only $5,000. Hardly worth it.”
“But $5,000 is a lot of money.”
“$5,000 wouldn’t even pay for my suit. But let us assume,” wildly, thinks Edwin, “that you are above average and you are able to gross $10,000 for each bank robbery.”
Edwin writes $10,000 on the board.
“But I’m going to rob many, many bank!”
“Of course, that is your plan. And it is my point. Just stay with the numbers Lifto. So, $10,000 is your benefit from robbing an individual bank. Now, what does it cost for you to rob a bank?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
