“Nothing! Lifto strong like bull. Easy for me to throw cars.”
“Of course it is easy for you to throw cars. But while you are throwing cars and robbing banks you can’t do anything else. It costs you time at the very least. But that’s not what I’m worried about. I’m concerned with what it would cost you if you were caught.” Edwin waits for it. He does not have to wait long.
“NO ONE CAN CATCH LIFTO THE MAGNIFICENT!”
“No, of course not. How silly of me. But let’s just say it was possible. Not in the real world. But in the numbers. These are just numbers, Lifto. Like make-believe. So stay with me. Stay with the numbers.”
“Okay.”
“Now, hypothetically, how many years do you think —”
“But NO ONE CAN CATCH LIFTO!”
“The sentence for armed robbery, first offense, is usually 7 years.”
“But I am to rob many banks!”
“Of course you are. So the sentence would be longer. Let’s call it 20 years.”
“That’s better.”
“Now, let’s assume that instead of going to prison for those 20 years, you hold down a job.” Lifto shakes his mane of hair indignantly. Lifto does not work for other men. He is a ruler of men. A mighty, hairy, lion. Edwin can see that he was losing him again. “A normal job. Say construction.”
“Lifto does not do manual labor. I am in show business.”
Edwin considers asking for clarification on this point. Lifting things is clearly manual, but perhaps Lifto only does it for pleasure. Edwin quickly abandons this line of thought. That way lies madness.
“All right then, what kind of hypothetical job would you like to have?” No good, still too close to madness. Edwin is finding it difficult to keep his mind clear.
With an air of great ceremony Lifto rises from his chair and proclaims, “Lifto will be King of Missouri!”
“Missouri is not currently hiring for that position.” Stop. Get out. Stop. Get out.
“Oh,” says Lifto, obviously disappointed. “Then I don’t care. Something with people. Lifto is a people person.”
“Reservations agent with a car rental company?”
“Yes, I think I would like that.”
“So 20 years helping people with their rental cars, 40 hours a week at $10 an hour would be $400,000.”
“$400,000! Without stealing anything?”
“Without stealing anything. So, we’ll say the cost of getting caught would be the $400,000 you would give up in income.
“Now, let’s say that you got away with the money 95% of the time. But there is still a 5% chance that you will end up in jail for 20 years.”
“But NO ONE CAN —”
“Catch the mighty Lifto. Yes of course. But humor me. Stay with the numbers for just a moment longer.”
So 95% times a 10,000 benefit is $9,500. This is incremental benefit to you of robbing a bank. That is, if our hypothetical Lifto were to rob an infinite number of banks.”
“An INFINITE amount of money.”
“Yes. Very good,” and very loud, thinks Edwin. “That would be an infinite amount of money.”
“So I go rob banks now. Thank you.”
“Wait, wait, we haven’t factored in the cost yet.”
“Lifto don’t like costs.”
“Neither do I Lifto.”
“Costs suck.”
“Yes they do. But we know that already. The only question left to us is how much do they actually ‘suck’ as you say. So, there is a 5% chance that you will get caught -- I’m sorry, sorry, the hypothetical Lifto will get caught — times -400,000 dollars is -20,000 dollars. So, over time, each time you rob a bank it costs you $20,000 dollars.
“But there’s an infinite number of banks,” says Lifto with dreams of filthy lucre glittering in his eyes.
“Yes, yes, so we add the costs and the benefits to learn what the true value of robbing a bank is to you and we see that, over time, it costs you -$10,500 each time you rob a bank.”
“What!”
“The numbers do not lie Lifto. In lieu of some special advantage like invisibility or an ability to walk through vault walls or even a telepathic ability to talk to coins — anything that might change this cost matrix — I cannot advise your entry into the bank robbing business.”
“But this is just Hypothetical Lifto!”
“Yes, well, Hypothetical Lifto and Actual Lifto have quite a bit in common I’m afraid.”
“So you want for Lifto to work as receptionist?”
“No, I’m not saying that. I’m saying that if a crime makes you less money than working a regular job, perhaps you should find another law to break.”
Lifto is silent for a long time. Edwin can sense the tiny wheels of Lifto’s mind turning. And even though they are most certainly missing a few teeth, Edwin is glad to have gotten them spinning. That is worth something isn’t it? Edwin knows how foolish hope is, but perhaps, for just a moment, he indulges in it. Finally, Lifto lets out a long sigh and says, “I wish you had told Lifto sooner.”
Chapter Forty-One
Agnes vs. Mistivio
Agnes is still sitting her post in the lobby. She has refused to follow Edwin’s instructions. But their disagreement is wearing on her. Edwin is right, of course. It is her job to keep his time clear and focused, but this was a favor. A favor to an old and dear friend. It should not be too much to ask. But the world has changed in many ways over the course of Agnes’ lifetime. No matter how hard she tries, it never seems to make sense.
Agnes Plantagenet is old enough to remember a time without superheroes. A time with bad men, surely, but before Villains of the capital V. When the only costumes were uniforms and everyone did their bit and went home. Of course there were heroes. But they had a quiet satisfaction about them. And their sense of accomplishment did not disappear with age, infirmity or the changing winds of fashion.
She can’t pinpoint the exact moment that the world changed. It has been gradual and insidious. And, if she’s perfectly honest, she tries not to pay attention to popular lunacy. She had not realized how bad it had become, until the televisions were installed in the lobby.
Of course, she understands the need to keep track of television coverage of the Cromoglodon for billing purposes. The variable nature of the beast’s clothing has allowed the reverse sponsorship to become increasingly sophisticated. They have even been approached by a few companies who want to be positively associated with the Cromoglodon. Agnes sees this as yet another sign of the end times.
Every day the screens are filled with people running about in costumes with odd logos on various parts of their spandex clad bodies. They always shout horrible slogans at one another as they fight in the most destructive manner imaginable. Agnes can’t see it as anything other than a very disturbing game of, “Look at me! Look at me!”
How has it come to this? Perhaps, she thinks this way because the old always struggles to understand a changing world. These thoughts are reassuring, because it suggests to Agnes that things are as they should be. Most of the time, she suspects that something has gone horribly wrong.
Of course, there have always been exceptional people. Agnes can remember Mrs. Sally Heckinsforth, the woman who had managed to win the Village of Hugglescote’s gardening competition for 22 years in a row. Sally had a way with plants that was simply otherworldly. It was even said that she trained the ivy outside her kitchen window to make tea. Of course it was an exaggeration. But even if it had been true, the good Mrs. Heckinsforth
