“Edwin now is not the time.”
“Small mistakes, Agnes. It is the small mistakes that compound into disaster.”
“Edwin, I am sorry,” Agnes says, losing her patience, “but what are we going to do?”
“I think you have done enough for one day.” Edwin is feeling powerless. He realizes he’s taking it out on Agnes, but can’t seem to do anything else. He watches the ants erect barricades far below and tries to get a handle on himself. There is a knock on the window.
Edwin looks up. On the other side of the glass floats –
“EXCELSIOR!” roars Lifto as he lifts Edwin’s magnificent redwood desk over his head. His leopard skin cape falls to the ground. Now the world has no defense against the sight of his absurd, bulging redness. “I will defeat you! Now all will know the true strength of Lifto the Magnificent!” Lifto steps forward and begins to hurl the desk through the window.
“STOP!” yells Agnes. As if the universe was a sensible, orderly place, everyone freezes.
Agnes advances on Lifto. “PUT. IT. DOWN.” Lifto looks around uncertainly. He returns the desk to the ground.
“This office is filled with nice things and I will not see them wrecked by the horseplay of a few overgrown children!”
“Ma’am, you’d best stand aside,” Excelsior says, the midwestern earnestness in his voice flattened by two inches of safety glass.
“And you,” she exclaims, whirling on the flying hero without missing a beat, “of all people you should have the decency to use a door.”
“What?”
“You know very well what I mean. You are a mere instant from destroying a three-story wall of glass in order to get to this, this —
“LIFTO THE MAGNIFICENT,” roars Lifto.
“Be SILENT!” shrieks Agnes. Lifto shrinks into the floor and wishes he was somewhere else. Edwin opens the balcony door. There is nothing to do but play it through. From far below he hears the wail of sirens.
“Excelsior, if you please,” says Edwin, every bit the gracious host.
All of this is confusing to Excelsior. Usually when he apprehends a dangerous supervillain, he is subject to instant attack upon arrival. Air-to-air missiles. Laser beams. Courtesy just doesn’t compute. He is certain it is some kind of trick. But even if it is, it’s nice for a change. He floats over to the balcony and touches down gently.
“And be sure to wipe your feet!” Agnes says.
Excelsior takes two steps backwards and wipes his spotlessly clean boots.
“Now then. Welcome to Windsor and Associates. Mr. Windsor will see you now,” says Agnes.
“Thank you Agnes.” Edwin is eager to play the host in an attempt to avoid the property damage that inevitably follows a clash of costumed apes. “Can we offer you something to drink?”
Excelsior points at Lifto, “I’m here for him.”
“Excellent choice. Agnes, a pot of Oolong. We’re going to sit down and talk this through.” Agnes glares at everyone in the room and then leaves.
“Lifto does not talk,” Lifto says unaware of irony and its manufacture.
“You know, Mr. Windsor, people judge a man by the company he keeps,” Excelsior says, doing his best to drip with folksy wisdom.
“People have also been known to judge a man by his appearance,” Edwin retorts as he casts a dubious eye towards Excelsior’s spandex.
“NO ONE CAN CATCH LIFTO!”
Excelsior circles around to the long end of the room. Lifto crouches behind the desk. “Now Lifto, you and I both know that’s not true. Are you going to come quietly?”
Edwin rolls his eyes at the cliche. Edwin is sick of feeling powerless. He knows what is going to happen. He knows why. He knows everything that either side will say or do, but for all his intelligence, there is nothing he can do to stop it.
“Lifto, I advise you not to resist,” says Edwin
“You want me to go QUIETLY!?!”
“I’m not sure you are capable of doing anything quietly,” says Edwin.
“Mr. Windsor, you should really be getting to a safe distance, so I can take care of some business.” Excelsior says, not taking his eyes off Lifto.
Edwin steps directly in front of Excelsior. “You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to destroy my office.”
“Yes I do. I catch the bad guys Mr. Windsor. That’s what I do.”
“NO ONE CAN CATCH LIFTO!”
“Then, by all means, catch him. Skip the battle.”
“But, I have to bravely defeat him in single combat.”
“You do not. Look, I don’t care if you want to hurt him. But why not just grab him and fly away? Batter him senseless in a vacant lot. Perhaps, the top of a mountain? Where property will not be damaged and Lifto will not be able to capture the inevitable hostage.”
Excelsior thinks about this for a second.
“Who’s side are you on?” asks Lifto.
“It’s all the same to you, you can’t be caught,” snaps Edwin.
“But, I am paying you!” Something wasn’t right here. Lifto couldn’t put his finger on it. But something certainly wasn’t right.
“If you can’t be caught, why are you concerned about being caught?” says Edwin.
Now Lifto is totally boggled. While it’s not possible to know the mind of another we would not go too far astray if we imagined that Lifto was programmed in BASIC and the program read like this:
5 REM I am Lifto’s smarts-o-matic thought-thinking program.
10 goto 5
Edwin turns back to Excelsior. “So what do you think about my open area suggestion?”
“But, then he wouldn’t be able to elude me in a maze of narrow buildings,” Excelsior says slowly.
“So you see the benefits?”
“It doesn’t seem very sporting. And isn’t your whole thing to help the villains?”
“Oh no, I’m not prejudiced. My services are available to anyone who will pay me.”
“And villains pay better?”
“Something like that. Now, what about leaving my office in peace?” Edwin takes Excelsior’s elbow and attempts to direct him towards the door.
“But, I must defeat Lifto,” says Excelsior looking over his shoulder
At the mention of his name, Lifto is knocked free of his infinite stupidity loop. He realizes that no one is paying attention to him.
“Hey, Lifto is HERE!”
“Yes, but you don’t actually have to fight him to do that. And even if you do, you don’t have to do that here.” This a level of reasonability that Excelsior is not comfortable with.
“You’re right. I don’t have to. In fact, they’ve given me specific instructions not to harm you. But Mr. Windsor. I want to. Do you understand? I want to. I’ve been thinking about what you told me in the desert. And it made me angry. Angry, because you were right.” Excelsior turns and considers a priceless Chinese vase that is displayed on a plain pedestal. “This is a very nice office for a criminal mastermind.”
“I’m not a —” Excelsior knocks the vase off the pedestal. As it shatters on the floor, Edwin winces. “I’m a consultant,” he says through clenched teeth.
“You don’t like that? You know, that’s the first time I’ve seen you show an emotion, Mr. Windsor. Why so upset? I chose to do that. That’s what you wanted isn’t it, for me to make my own choices?”
“I’m not sure destroying a part of the artistic heritage of mankind is what I meant,” says Edwin.
Excelsior turns and considers the slab of beautifully carved marble on the wall. “Hmm, looks heavy.”
