him and his family. Fat lot of good that had done.
There was something in the room, some kind of negative energy, and finally I had to walk back out to the living room. Akoni was sitting on the floor next to Danny, talking to him gently, but Danny was not responding. I watched Akoni reach out to stroke the boy’s shoulder, and Danny flinched and moved away. I rarely saw Akoni being gentle, and it was always a surprising sight. For such a big man, he was light on his feet, a great dancer, and he had something sweet and kind inside him that he rarely let out, usually only around kids and animals.
It was the same with Danny. Akoni responded to whatever was hurt inside him, and wanted to make it better. I hoped he and Mealoha would have children soon, though Akoni often pooh-poohed the idea. I knew he would make a good father.
I had thought Evan was a good father, too, and I didn’t believe he’d kill himself when Danny was around. He’d been a cop long enough to see what death looked like, and how it hurt those who saw it. What if this wasn’t suicide at all, but just a carefully constructed replica?
Akoni looked up and saw me, and got up from the floor. “You think he knew we were coming for him?”
“Must have,” I said. “Though I didn’t say anything to him. Maybe he knew somebody in the DA’s office, who tipped him off.”
“Damn shame,” Akoni said.
We searched the house until we found a list in the kitchen, places Terri was going to be, and their phone numbers, in case anything happened to Danny and Evan needed to reach her. Her flight from Maui was due in at three, so she was probably on her way home.
The crime scene techs arrived and got to work. We notified District 4 and claimed jurisdiction because of our investigation into Evan, and a couple of the local cops came out to give us a hand. Even though we thought it was a suicide, it was still a crime scene, and Akoni and I took careful notes regarding the condition of the study and the house itself.
Terri arrived as we were finishing up, and Alvy Greenberg held her outside and called for me. “What is it, Kimo?” she asked. “What happened? Is Danny okay? Where’s Evan?”
“Danny’s okay,” I said. “It’s Evan.” I paused. “It looks like he killed himself.”
She crumpled. I put my arms around her and she cried. Then Akoni brought Danny to the front door, and when he saw his mother he ran for her. She cried even more, kneeling on the ground holding her son. It was a beautiful day in Wailupe, high seventies, mauka trades, a light scent of plumeria on the breeze, but there was something hard in my throat, and all I could think of was Terri on our graduation day from Punahou, how pretty she’d looked holding down her cap as the wind lifted the black gown and her brown hair flew back from her face.
It was a scene that happened all too often in the islands, and I was sure, even more often on the mainland. The lives of ordinary people were touched by tragedy, and they would never be the same again. I felt worse than I ever had before. I didn’t kill Evan, and I didn’t make him turn bad, but I had put the events in motion that had led us to this point, from the day I first heard about black tar and made arrangements for the bust.
I spent a while with Terri, holding her, letting her cry. While my brain ran forward at a hundred miles an hour, I said I was sorry, and promised her it would be all right, though I knew I was lying. Police and technicians ebbed and flowed around us, Akoni managing them, coordinating with the local cops.
Terri called her parents and her sister Betsy, and there was more crying. Danny sat nearly catatonic next to his mother, and screamed if anyone tried to move him away. Eventually Akoni and I left and drove back to Waikiki. The black and whites, ours and the local ones, pulled away and were replaced by the cars of Terri Clark Gonsalves’s friends and family. The memory of what he’d seen would stay with Danny Gonsalves for years, no matter how much therapy he had, and those images would probably recur in his dreams and nightmares forever.
We’d done what we were supposed to do. We had closed the case. As we walked into the station, Saunders was standing at the desk talking to the sergeant. “So just be careful,” he said loudly, as we walked past. “If you’re in the shower with him, don’t drop the soap.”
They both laughed, and Saunders gave me a particularly piercing look. I stared him back down, and he looked away.
Akoni and I filled out paperwork for the rest of the afternoon, closing out the case on Tommy Pang. I felt bad about what had happened, but at least the case was closed, and I could get on with my life. I called and left a message for Tim, who was in a meeting. Akoni left and I hung around for a couple of minutes, hoping Tim would call back. While I was waiting Alvy Greenberg came up to my desk.
“Is it true?” he asked.
“I think so. We have witnesses who put Evan together with Tommy Pang.”
“I don’t mean that. I mean is it true you’re a fag?”
I sat up, and looked at him. He looked kind of half angry and half ready to cry. “That’s the rumor going around the station, you know. You’re a cocksucker. I just want to know, is it true?”
“Does it matter to you?”
“Damn right it does. I looked up to you, Kimo. I thought you were the kind of cop, the kind of detective, I wanted to be. Now I see who you really are.”
“I haven’t changed,” I said. “I’m still a good cop. I’m just not lying to myself anymore. Or anybody else.”
“So it’s true.” He paused, then looked me in the eye. “You make me sick.”
He turned and walked away.
I sat back at my desk, reeling. I couldn’t believe he’d been so angry at me. I’d never come on to him, never acted like anything more than a friend or a mentor. I thought it was bad when I told Akoni, but his reaction had been easy compared to Alvy’s. I wondered if everyone at the Waikiki station knew, and if that was the way they all felt.
While I wondered about that, my phone buzzed. “Kanapa‘aka,” Lieutenant Yumuri’s voice sounded out of the speaker. “To my office, now.”
Jesus, what next, I thought. I supposed the rumors had traveled up the line of command and reached his ears. I got up immediately and walked down the hall to the lieutenant’s office. “Have a seat.”
“I’ll get right to the point,” he said, as I sat down. “Your work on this case was a mess. If you had handled this case better, Evan Gonsalves might still be alive. I’m suspending you, pending an internal investigation.”
“There was nothing wrong with our investigation,” I said. “We did everything you asked for. It’s all spelled out in the files.” I paused and suddenly I understood. “Word got out, didn’t it?” I asked. “That’s what Saunders was talking about, and Alvy Greenberg. You don’t want a gay cop on your force, do you?”
“I don’t,” he said. “Clean out your desk and your locker. You’ll be hearing from the department attorney.”
I left his office in a daze. It had been a hell of a day. From my encounter with Wayne, through discovering Evan’s body and ruining Terri’s life, to the failure of my own career. I stumbled through a quick cleanup of my desk and locker, avoiding the stares of the other cops, and walked out onto Kalakaua Avenue, without an idea of what I was supposed to do next.
CERTAIN CONDITIONS
I don’t know how I made it home. I dumped my things in my apartment and curled up on the bed. I knew I ought to get out, go surfing, clear my head, but I couldn’t. I didn’t sleep much that night, just lay there thinking and worrying. I always thought, whenever I had trouble nodding off, that sleep was this kind of magical land far away. Sometimes you just forgot how to get there.
I tried to go over everything I had done in the case, remembering each detail, every conversation, every note, every official police document. The guy upstairs was playing Pearl Jam at high volume, blasting the same CD over and over again, but I didn’t bother to yell or call him or go upstairs. It just didn’t seem to matter.
As the sun was rising I did doze off for a little while, then woke finally at seven-thirty and decided to get up and take a shower. I thought about going to the beach, but I just couldn’t seem to get myself together. I scrubbed the kitchen, throwing away anything in the refrigerator that looked suspicious, reorganized the books on my bookshelves, and I’d started filing away articles I’d clipped from the paper when the phone rang.
